Getting Nervous

[desaraej]

i am just wondering...now that we are engaged i am starting to think he might do something stupid to mess up our relationship. I am starting to feel really insecure about things...like i dont like it when he checks out other girls, but we used to do that together all the time; and now I get nervous and feel like i want to watch him when he is online all the time because I always feel like he is trying to find someone new. He said that he likes to know that he still has it and thats why he tralks to girls on the internet, but he offered to close his profile if it was messing with me that bad. I am having bad dreams about him cheating on me and leaving me and stuff like that. Could all this be happening because we are just stepping into a new part of our relationship...is it because now I wouldnt be losing a b/f...but now I would be losing the man that was planning on marrying me in the near future. Idk, I just know that I am getting very much like I was when I first posted on this site.

[learning]

Hey desaraej

Sounds pretty normal to me. Not healthy to have the issues pent up inside though. Yes, getting into a new phase gets one to experience different fasets of your "past" (pre long term commitment) in a different way and each seems to deal with it differently. If his actions have not changed from what they were pre engagement there should not be to much cause for concern,
BUT he has made this commitment to YOU, and as such I say he needs to now mature past the previous actions and he needs to stick to it.
Bring it up and let him know what you eel is appropriate and what is not.

"He likes to know that he still has it"

Maybe he needs to realize that he made you "it" (no offence intended) and as such has got "it"!! If he is still doing the flirting thing he needs some "growing up". Engagement is a step one should make well knowing that you are devotibg the rest of your life to someone, he needs to back that commitment up with actions.

I am sure to experience the wrath of some but hey, thats my take on it!!

[Brandye]

Where is the pain? Not in him; in you!

For whatever reason you do not trust him and are being highly possessive. You really want to start marriage with feelings that guarantee it will fail?

[mrjohnson]

Interesting forums I just found today (I tend to be wordy)

I think the jealousy after engagement and in the first months after being married is normal. I remember my mind going all kind of crazy things when my wife might have been late coming home from work due to traffic, or if I thought another guy might cross her path in the grocery store and sweep her off her feet etc. But I had to remind myself I was being stupid and it was all in my head and learn to deal with it.

It was the same for her to some extent. Right after we got married I could only drink with her around because she was afraid of what I might do under the influence, strip clubs were off limits. Then a couple of months later I could go out drinking with only a certain group of my friends and hit some nudie clubs with them. Now she says "don't bring anything home" and laughs about it.

I'm not a shrink but I think eventually your head learns to deal as you develop trust with someone. Perhaps it has to do with the presumed "equity" (not monetarily but rather emotionaly) built up in the relationship. You go from dating (a relativly who cares phase where anything can and does happen often), to investing yourself while possibly being unsure how much your partner really has invested (I'd consider it the jealous phase), to knowing you both are in it up to your necks and either of you would be pretty stupid to "step out of line" as it were (content and trusting).

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As far as the internet flirting thing goes he comes with a pretty weak excuse. Internet chatting doesn't tell you you have anything. Generaly people are an entirely different persona online. Everyone's a supermodel when describing themselves on their terms and has razor sharp wit when they have time to plan out what they are going to say.

If it doesn't bother you and it's not a threat to the relationship then it's not an issue. The fact you mention it leads me to believe you do have an issue with it. If in fact you do have issues with it he should care enough about your feelings to actualy cancel, and I mean really cancel not just hide it. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a spouse/spouse-to-be to keep intimacy limited to the arrangement they both are comfortable with. His priority should be making sure he keeps you not "IT". You only need "IT" when you are trying to land someone new.

Now if he has a dirty-talk/online chat addiction or fetish well that could be worked into your relationship via roleplaying (as long as it isn't an unhealty addiction). Since he doesn't see the distant woman work out a game with him where you message him in some different personality. Maybe make several different screen names for your different moods. See if he likes getting his chat on with the bonus of having real sex later. However, use that tactic to work with him don't use it just to test him or spy on him as that just further shows a complete lack of trust.

It's true many of us guys love to have our ego stroked, but it coming from the person I married means 1000X more than some hotgirl69102 who's is in reality most likely some guy in a chatroom somewhere that probably has it on a macro for getting his jollies.