Jealousy and Loyalty Issues

[Emmi33]

My boyfriend and I are still young (19), we have been together for a year and are in a long-distance relationship, him in America me in England.

He used to live over here and has a good group of friends here. However, the people he his friends with hate me! The two other guys are alright, he has been friends with them since he was tiny, as he spent his childhood here, its just the girls used to be my best friends and we fell out. When he showed interest in me they decided it was their business to stop us from being together. (Typical 18yrold stupidness, I know) They almost suceeded, but not quite.

They really really hurt me, bullied me, spread rumours, these girls were my best friends for 7 years. Because of them I now have no friends, no confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, I was already voulnerable and they broke me to peices.

But he's still friends with them. Half of me cannot believe it, but the other half understands. He doesnt like them, but they are always with the two guys he was friends with, and I can't ask him to stop being friends with them all together.

Thats my first problem.

Second is that he flirts soo much! With those girls as well. He address them with terms like 'pretty lady' and charming stuff like that, I'm probably overreacting, he means nothing by it, but I know they like it - and they love the fact that it gets to me. The flirt with him as much as possible to get to me. Its not just them, he flirts with all women, it seems to be his way of talking to them. He's very goodlooking and a lot of girls get the wrong impression. He doesnt hide that he's got a girlfriend, but he doesnt go out of his was to mention me. All the females he meets turn into close friends, thats how our relationship started, he's good at listening to girls problems. Before we were together I spent about 3 months non stop moaning about my life to him.

But as a result alllll women think they havr something going on with him. I hate it! Maybe I'm overreacting, he has no intentions with them, and reassures me og that, he says he's just being a good friend. . . but I want him to myself.

I dont want him being so affectionate to other women, I know some guys are just like that.

Am I crazy? It gets us in so many arguments, I get so paranoid and possessive of him, to the point where I embarass myself.

He needs to tone it down and I need to be more relaxed about it, but I don't know how to relax and to ask him in a way which will work to tone it down - any ideas?

[nursefluffykins]

well being jealous and possesive to the point of embarassing yourself is NOT a good thing.. i have a male friend ive known since we were 11 (we're 26 now) who's ex-gf is still jealous like that after being broken up for a year, it's horrible... like ive known my friend for 15 years, she walks in and sees the 2 of us watching tv together (on separate couches even) and she's all like "What's SHE doing here??" (referring to me)... behaviour like that really annoys people and drives them away, especially if its unfounded and the guy hasnt done anything wrong.. of course you should definitely talk to your bf let him know how it feels and try to control your behaviour a bit, well its hard to really get a feel for the situation just from reading a bit online but thats the impression i get anyway....

[Emmi33]

I mean that I embarass myself because I am very affectionate towards him and get nothing back. He has lied to people about the status of our relationship and when we are together in public it is as though he doesnt know me. This is where the embarassment happens.
Hen has no friends as close as this, his close friends tend to be new friends. Girls who he becomes close to very quickely,
and he is very flirtatious with them.
The girls he has known for longer strongly dislike me, before he and I got together I was bullied by them at school,
and at the begginning of our relationship they made comments to him such as "do you really like her? I'm dissapointed in you",
they made other nasty comments about my appearence.
In reality he was not that close to these girls, at the time he had not spoken to them for years.
He does have an ex-girlfriend who he his close with, I respect that relationship, although it does bother me.
I try hard to accept it, and appriciate her help at the beggnning when she gave him advice to ignore the people who had judged me. However, since then I have become jealous when he has disspaeared off with her at night and turned off his phone, or told me he is on his way to my house and will be there in ten minutes and I call him an hour later and he went to see her instead.
Is this being over jealous?
He also tells female friends he loves them. He then tells me that he only tollerates them because he is friends with their friends. I said that if he doesnt really like them that much he doesnt have to be rude but he doesnt need to tell them he loves them, their other male friends dont tell them that. Is my request for him to stop telling other girls he loves them out of order?
It really makes me feel uncomfortable. He still tells his ex he loves her, even though he was never in love with her, but he loves her as a friend - I won't argue with that. Its not my place. But when he says it to girls who have hurt and bullied me and that he dislikes I feel upset - is he putting his social life before me?

[Jaysey]

Okay...I have a few opinions for you on this one: 1) Are you overreacting--possibly. Perhaps what you (and even other women) percieve as flirting is really just your bf being his naturally charming self. 2) However, if you have discussed this issue with him, told him that it bothers you, then he should respect that it makes you feel lousy and try to tone it down (if you haven't told him it hurts your feelings, I think you should). 3) If you tell (or have told) him how it makes you feel and he thinks (thought) you were overreacting and said so, then you should both make a conscious effort to do better with this issue--he should try to be less "flirty" and you should try to be less annyoed by it--don't let it get to you. In the end, he is with you--not any of them--and he's with you even though you live across an entire ocean! And forget those other used-to-be friend girls. If all they want is to see you upset, they'll do whatever they can to get a reaction--don't give it to them! :-)
Best of Luck,
Jenn

[Emmi33]

once again. . . thank you thank you
its number 3 - we talk - I try and be less annoyed and he said he'd try and tone it down. . . its just. . . things still get to me.
he's not been back in london around those girls since feburary - so I guess its just a waitr and see how it all goes

[Jaysey]

I used to be like that with one of my bfs back in college. I found it helped a lot to take deep breaths whenever I'd start getting that angry, jealous feeling, and say to myself, "He loves me; he wants me; he's with me." And if all else failed, I'd just go find some place (other than and away from him) to vent, get it all out, so I didn't overreact in front of him. Have you noticed his efforts to tone it down? Or if you haven't had the chance to notice, yet, check it out next time. He needs to be doing his part, too!

[Emmi33]

ahg, I know, his mum tells me the same thing, remember its you he loves, its more that the playful jokes and flirting that he shares with them, he doesnt share with me. Im more serious, maybe too serious, I think when he's that way with them he sees what he's missing out on. I just have very little confidence so its hard for me to let go and have fun. I try - its in me. . . somewhere trying to come out, but it gets overshadowed by people who are4 naturally that way.

[Jaysey]

Then it's also time to start consciously working on your self-esteem because that will help with this and confidence during sex, too! You are a great person. Try listing 5 things you love about you. It's a good start for getting you to start feeling as fabulous as you are. Look at your list daily...add to it as you think of new things. It's a great self-esteem booster. :-) (I know it sounds cheesy, but it works!)

[Emmi33]

I can't find 5 things. . . I know that sounds awful doesnt it! But its true,
I know one thing - that I'm kind and generous, maybe thats two. . .
and I can sit here at 3am and fill myself full of chocolate pudding and custard and stay just 95lbs - without any eating problems or anything - I'm just that skinny - lol.
agh I dunno . . .
I could make a never ending list of bad things
I'll work on finding the good ones - if my fast metabolism counts then I just need 2 more!

thanks

[Jaysey]

How about you're willing to admit when you need help and seek that help? That's a good one, I think. A lot of people are too stubborn to do that!