Not into the same style of sex. How do can we both be happy?

[bmg2006]

I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years now. Sex hasn't ever exactly been the strongest point of our relationship, but things have gotten difficult over the past year or two. Most of boils down to the fact that I have trouble staying aroused unless the sex is slightly rough. I'm not talking about whips and chains or anything, but just slightly rough sex. I guess the best way to describe it would be "****ing" instead of "making love", if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, my girlfriend doesn't really enjoy it like that.. or at least not very often. She's more into having slow, "romantic" (for lack of a better word) sex. That usually doesn't do a whole lot for me, though, and this obviously creates a problem. So either we do it the way I like and she's not happy, or we try to do it the way she likes and it doesn't work at all.

What can I/we do to get things back on track and both be satisfied with our sex life? As it is, neither of us are happy with the way things are.

[dancingdoc2]

> I guess the best way to describe it would be "****ing" instead of "making love", if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, my girlfriend doesn't really enjoy it like that.. or at least not very often. She's more into having slow, "romantic" (for lack of a better word) sex.

I believe you should make an appointment to see a marriage counseler. You need to find out why you have problems with intimacy and romance.

> She's more into having slow, "romantic" (for lack of a better word) sex. That usually doesn't do a whole lot for me, though, and this obviously creates a problem.

Making love and having sex for sex sake are two different things; although it is possible on occasion to mix it up with the proverbial "Quickie" or even just "servicing" one or the other. Even with these, there is love attached, and probably a bit of romance. Your wife's position is the correct one for most occasions, therefore, you need to learn why you are not able to respond and share this same perspective.

Make the decision to spend the money for a few sessions of therapy to learn what is going on. In the meantime, if you truly love your wife, begin acting the part. If you act the part, more often than not, the real behavior will follow. One way to start is to set the stage a day ahead of any planned love session. Plant a suggestion in her brain with a passing comment designed to spark her interest. Make sure all your household chores are attended to. Nothing is as much of a turnoff as a guy who doesn't hold up his end of running a household.

If a day ahead is too much lead time, then plant the seed of interest the morning before you leave for work. Hug and kiss if you do not normally, or if you do, make it more passionate than might ordinarily be the case.

Call her once during the day just to say "hi" and to reaffirm what you have planned for later that night. Your comments should be structured to whet her appetite.

Plan a long soak in the bathtub followed with a shower. Keep each other's upper body warm by continually drizzling water from a wash cloth over the shoulders. Use the time to hug, caress, and talk. When it comes time for the next step, stand up and wash each other using only your hands. Save the erogenous zones for the final wash. The room should be dimly lit with a candle or nightlight, and, it should be warm. Towel dry each other using pats, no rubbing of the towel against the skin.

Lead each other to the bedroom and have the bed prepared. Again the room should be comfortably warm and dimly lit. Spend plenty of time in the tub, shower, and on the way to the bedroom to hold and hug each other, whisper sweet nothings, and beginning the process of becoming turned on.

You can give her a massage or not. When it comes time to making out, then spend no less than thirty minutes to this, and much more if possible. She requires much more time for this than you do. Now, having said that, you might benefit also from making out and working up to a feverish pitch, particularly if the time you spend messing around is short. This is wrong.

The plan should be to take whatever time is necessary to get back in touch with each other emotionally and to connect your psyches, again. Her very presense should be a turn on for you and as she reciprocates the kisses and caresses, you should be able to become very aroused. If you cannot, the counseling should be able to determine why.

[dancingdoc2]

> I guess the best way to describe it would be "****ing" instead of "making love", if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, my girlfriend doesn't really enjoy it like that.. or at least not very often. She's more into having slow, "romantic" (for lack of a better word) sex.

I believe you should make an appointment to see a marriage counseler. You need to find out why you have problems with intimacy and romance.

> She's more into having slow, "romantic" (for lack of a better word) sex. That usually doesn't do a whole lot for me, though, and this obviously creates a problem.

Making love and having sex for sex sake are two different things; although it is possible on occasion to mix it up with the proverbial "Quickie" or even just "servicing" one or the other. Even with these, there is love attached, and probably a bit of romance. Your wife's position is the correct one for most occasions, therefore, you need to learn why you are not able to respond and share this same perspective.

Make the decision to spend the money for a few sessions of therapy to learn what is going on. In the meantime, if you truly love your wife, begin acting the part. If you act the part, more often than not, the real behavior will follow. One way to start is to set the stage a day ahead of any planned love session. Plant a suggestion in her brain with a passing comment designed to spark her interest. Make sure all your household chores are attended to. Nothing is as much of a turnoff as a guy who doesn't hold up his end of running a household.

If a day ahead is too much lead time, then plant the seed of interest the morning before you leave for work. Hug and kiss if you do not normally, or if you do, make it more passionate than might ordinarily be the case.

Call her once during the day just to say "hi" and to reaffirm what you have planned for later that night. Your comments should be structured to whet her appetite.

Plan a long soak in the bathtub followed with a shower. Keep each other's upper body warm by continually drizzling water from a wash cloth over the shoulders. Use the time to hug, caress, and talk. When it comes time for the next step, stand up and wash each other using only your hands. Save the erogenous zones for the final wash. The room should be dimly lit with a candle or nightlight, and, it should be warm. Towel dry each other using pats, no rubbing of the towel against the skin.

Lead each other to the bedroom and have the bed prepared. Again the room should be comfortably warm and dimly lit. Spend plenty of time in the tub, shower, and on the way to the bedroom to hold and hug each other, whisper sweet nothings, and beginning the process of becoming turned on.

You can give her a massage or not. When it comes time to making out, then spend no less than thirty minutes to this, and much more if possible. She requires much more time for this than you do. Now, having said that, you might benefit also from making out and working up to a feverish pitch, particularly if the time you spend messing around is short. This is wrong.

The plan should be to take whatever time is necessary to get back in touch with each other emotionally and to connect your psyches, again. Her very presense should be a turn on for you and as she reciprocates the kisses and caresses, you should be able to become very aroused. If you cannot, the counseling should be able to determine why.

[WallyLlama]

It's called "compromise" and "adjustment." If it's about sex, I'd suggest the analogy that you don't eat exactly the same thing for dinner every night. (I assume.)

Remember that sex is really a form of communication... in that regard, you both seem to want to hear "different" things. You also both want to "say" different things.

There are very few rights or wrongs in communicating and I would discourage any assusmption that one of you is "correct" ... just remember that the point of communicating is to get the message across and understood.

What's the message?

How do you state it?