Oedipal trust issues!

[bacchusella]

I know that is a weird title, but it will get attention and I really need some help. This is going to be kind of long and I apologize in advance...

When I was 12, my family broke apart because my dad was having an affair. It tore me up so much, because my dad is one of my personal heroes, and I couldn't fathom why he would do something like that to our family. He still is my hero, and I have forgiven him for what he did, mainly because I found out that when I was younger and my dad was in the Navy, my mom had numerous extra-curricular partners when my dad was overseas.

Now to get to my problem. I have been in a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years and it has been fabulous. I get a wonderful boyfriend while still getting to focus on my goals. I have a big feeling that he is going to propose to me at my graduation party in 7 weeks. I am fully ready to say yes, but because I have serious trust issues, I don't think it would be fair of me.

He has never done anything wrong to me. He has put up with a LOT, such as me getting neurotic on him about cheating and things of that nature. My feelings, though, are that, if someone as wonderful as my dad could have cheated, so could someone like my wonderful boyfriend.

My biggest fears are that one day, he is going to get sick of me always doubting, not necessarily doubting HIM but just doubting in general. I also worry about my health, because it causes me a lot of undue stress to just think about it. It also stopping me from doing things I want to do and unfairly asking him to stop doing things that I do myself.

Does anyone have any advice?

[MrDinan]

I explained this issue to a co-worker several months ago with my girlfriend. You just have to keep telling yourself that he's not doing anything, he loves you and no one else. How could he possibly cheat on a wonderful girl like yourself?

That sort of thing. Works for me. My gf is the most loyal person I've ever met and my thoughts were stupid. Now I'm fine after many many sessions of thinking positively. Everyone is different though, my suggestion may not be the best.

[Brandye]

Let us look at the simple statistics: About three-quarters of all men and just over half of all women have extra-marital affairs. I am not endorsing; only reporting and have been amazed at some of the affairs I have become aware of over the years.

Once trust has been violated, and discovered, it is very, very difficult to overcome the resulting mistrust. You do not mention age but I assume that you are speaking of school graduation, not university. The divorce data are alarming for all ages but even higher among teen marriages. There were some discussions here a few months ago, a few threads, about 30 something women being bored and wondering what they had missed.

In a long-distance relationship, you get the highs of being together with little of the pressures of being together too much. Not a realistic picture. I currently have friends married about a year ago - he in his late thirties (2d marriage) and she in her mid-30s (first marriage). Their entire courtship was long distance, meeting in holiday spots for long weekends and short weekends at one of their homes. None of these were longer than a week in the same place as one another. Things are looking really BAD. She is expressing that they should have lived together for even a few months because the problems began in the first month. They still love each other but are slowly driving one another bonkers.

As the age of first marriage for women is creeping towards 26 in all industrial countries, there are many, many women who are testing things out before marriage. The later the marriage, the less likely to end in divorce - or create women who develop a wanderlust. If you enter a marriage wondering whether you can handle the stresses (and you are not handling them well right now), you will likely not handle the stresses.

A little pre-marital counselling (not the traditional church-based pre-cannae) might do you a world of good.

[bacchusella]

Not sure how I came across as so young, but I am 21, yes getting ready for university graduation and about to start graduate school.

As for the distance, there is no other choice, because there are no jobs for him around here, and this is where I am going to grad school, bottom line. Neither of us think it's enough to not be together. In addition, we have spent upwards of a month together, and have each survived the worst tragedy in each other's lives (his mother suddenly passed, and a close cousin of mine was tragically killed).

Also not sure how this came to be a discussion of the distance. The distance is not the problem. I absolutely do plan to do pre-marital counseling (which by the way, if he does propose in 7 weeks, there will be a 3 year long engagement because I need to finish school first) both in church and out of church, because I just feel it is needed nowadays.

[ShadesRuda]

I just want to add that everyone takes risks. Marriage is a risk because you don't know what's going to happen.
Life is uncertain. The ONLY thing that is certain is that we won't live forever. Your parents' mistakes cannot always hang over you. To put it bluntly, you have to learn to get over it, at least for the sake of your relationship and if nothing else, for your health.
If your boyfriend has never given you a reason to doubt him, continuing to do so is completely unfair to him. But your need to protect yourself is understandable.

Pre-marital councelling is so wonderful, even for seemingly flawless relationships. You may also want to speak to a councellor one-on-one to learn how to deal with your fears, and help you finally resolve your issues with the past enough to live a happy and healthy life.

[bacchusella]

I have been thinking about counseling, but like I said, I am in college and under several G's of loans, so the only thing I can get right now is the free counselling through the university health center. I will be going to them next week for the initial meet-up.

I have tried to let go of my parents' issues. It's what everyone tells me, but that is a hell of a lot easier said than done. People seem to think that it was just my mom that he betrayed, but when someone has a family like my dad did, they betray the whole family.

This is one of the reasons I love my boyfriend so much. He puts up with all of this, and very patiently

[Brandye]

You really neither want nor need advice. You are taking the right steps nad the three year delay is certainly enough to answer any questions. You simply need to vent. Vent away!!! We are here to listen.

[bacchusella]

Originally Posted by Brandye

You really neither want nor need advice. You are taking the right steps nad the three year delay is certainly enough to answer any questions. You simply need to vent. Vent away!!! We are here to listen.

I want to vent how freakin hot your icon is!!! I get a little turned on every time I see it!!!

Anyway, thank you. I am taking things really really slowly with the marriage process because I see way way way too many of my friends jumping in to it too fast. And in a weird way, I think the distance is like, a tough love (but not on purpose, it's the only way I can describe it) way of helping me through the trust issues.

[Brandye]

Blush!!! Thanks. And blessings.

[WallyLlama]

I would add that the initial concern is valid... lack of trust can be very destructive to an otherwise healthy relationship. But I'd also speculate that this is not, fundamentally, a relationship issue. Yet.

I don't know if we have Freud to thank, but as a society in general we do seem to have a tendency to allow the past to rule us. It need not be that way.

A quick story: Some years ago I was robbed at gunpoint... it was mildly traumatic staring down the barrel of a gun and listening to the robber inform me that he had nothing to lose from blowing me away. Fortunately, he didn't.

For some time afterwards I lived fear when walking through parking lots or garages and a car came my way. (That's basically how the robbery took place.)

Then it dawned on me. He chose me as his victim once - for a very specific purpose. He wanted my money ($28). He had no intention or desire of permanently damaging me... I was victimizing myself over and over. I didn't have much control over him, but I do have control over me... and it didn't make sense to be both the perpetrator and the victim!

It took a little time, but before long I was looking for dark parking lots just to prove I could walk through them without cowering. LOL

What other people do obviously affects us. But it doesn't have to control us and it doesn't have to define us.

Carrying that one step further, part of the relationship process is deciding together how you are going to define the "us" that results from the combining. Again, the past contributes but it does not define. It's not easy to leave the bags at the door, but you can help each other carry them.