Long term relationships - What challenges did you experience?

[Emmy]

I post rarely on here, but each time I do, i'm looking for some kind of reassurance that this relationship is not going to come crashing down around my ears. Wally, I wrote down a piece of advice you gave me in an earlier thread, and put it on a sticky note on my desk, because I have this constant niggling fear that something is going to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me.

The Boy and I have been best friends for four years, and together for a year on top of that. We both see it as a rest-of-our-lives sort of dig. For those of you who have been attached for a while, what issues did you find arising as your relationship progressed? I'm asking for personal experiences, not only general ideas. sex ruts? Lack of intimacy? Arguing - over what? Annoying habits? Anything like that. I guess I want to know what to expect (or what not to expect).

I realise this is like asking for the meaning of life, and no two relationships are the same, but it makes me feel better

[rockerton]

lack of intamacy was one. lack of spontanaity(sp?).breakdown in communication. arguing about money or sex. just genereal stagnancy of the relationship. we felt like a married couple. but then she left for college and dumpped my ass soon after.

when it comes to longer relationships, it all comes down to communication. if you have a problem you and your SO should be able to work them out.

keep in mind that alot can happen in life. our experiences and who we share them with are all fluid. so just enjoy the time spent together, and if situation or preference changes then just roll with it.

[batman527]

Oof. Don't even think about what can go wrong. If you focus on that, you're going to find something wrong for sure. It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy. Just like you could imagine what problems may arise, you can imagine problems that you THINK have risen when they're actually not there. Take them as they come, and don't go looking for them.

[WallyLlama]

I have to agree with Batman on this... and add that there's only one thing that can really go wrong that's worth worrying about...

Oh, you want to know what it is? LOL

I guess it does depend on how you build your relationship... but that's what it is, actually. The only thing worth worrying about is how you build your relationship and that you both keep sight of the fact that you have to do that and both want to do that.

In short form, you focus on the goal... and the goal is not so much making each other happy as it is figuring out what you want to do and be together. It takes determination and skill, but it mostly takes commitment.

[ClaireClaire]

Emmy, I know how you feel! I've been in love for 8 months, everything is wonderful, but I'm often fretting about the future, worrying that I'll lose him and this happiness we have together.

[ShadesRuda]

I totally agree with Batman and Wally. If you're looking for the bad, it's like looking for a reason to give up. You're going to face things, and no one can tell you enough to prepare you for them, or tell you how to deal with them, that's up to the two of you.

We went into our relationship knowing there would be problems but we'd get over them. We've overcome a lot of things, but we never really looked at them as problems. Never once have we questioned what we have. We made a vow that whatever came our way would be better solved with our two forces together, than one alone.

I've found that individual issues were easier to work out as well with someone else always there to support you.

[learning]

I to go with the words of Batman and Wally. I have been married for 8 years and despite many niggles remain happily married. The big issue for us is trust-in all spheres of life, personal, sex, money etc.

That and living each day for the other, always look after your own needs etc but remember a long term relationship is about the other-provided both have this approach things should be good.

Have fun together and never cease to laugh.

[batman527]

"niggles" is my new favorite word!

[apost3]

Agree with the others... dont' think about what could go wrong..because you'll go NUTS..

Truth is, EVERYTHING that could POSSIBLY go wrong..could go wrong. You may fight over small things, large things, everything, or nothing. Sex may dimish, stay the same, or increase. Money may be a huge issue, or not an issue at all.

See, here's what it all boils down to. You are basically two individuals learning to live in harmony together. There may be kinks, there may not be. No kinks does NOT mean you are "meant for each other"... Having said that, Kinks does NOT mean you should NOT be together. Just means there are some issues that need to be worked on..together..as a team.

That's my two cents on the topic.

[bunnygirl]

I agree that you can't look for the bad. I think that is what I have always done and then when something bad happened I felt like I should have know it all along. I think that makes us paranoid and unable to enjoy what we have. A male friend of mine told me something that really changed the way I look at relationships -- he said that men in general (he and his friends who are in their 30s and 40s) don't dwell on things and once they are settled from their viewpoint they don't understand why women bring them up again. He also said that most of the time they felt like their relationships were fine because they had told the person they wanted a long term relationship and they basically didn't understand the insecurity. I guess this doesn't sound very insightful, but it made me feel better. I don't try to read a reason into every little behavior or comment or try to analyze how much time I spend with someone now versus a month ago or what we do each time were are together, etc. By just enjoying myself and what is happening at the time, I have found that I have a lot more fun and have developed more confidence, too! My bf is much happier, too!