going with out

[pamela]

here i go......
we have been married for over 20 yrs. everything good with life kids jobs except the oral sex
in the last 2.5 yrs i have received oral 10 times out of these 2,5 yrs he has received really good oral 290 times i have talked to him nothing. i have tried to use porn i 'm good looking I'm sexy I'm in my S
i dont understand , i know men who want to help me they are in the same spot as myself their wifes don't want to give or receive .i am so horny for some good oral so I'm thinking why not
thanks
going without

[batman527]

You don't need to be lectured on the consequences of your actions and how they relate to your husband, so I'll leave that out. If this is a serious problem that would cause you risk the relationship to resolve, then you need to make sure that he knows just how serious the problem is. Communicate until you can't communicate anymore. If all that communication doesn't help, then start weighing your options.

[WallyLlama]

But I would not recommend you communicate the results on your score card.

I would also not recommend you take the positon "I love oral more than you."

Unless, of course, you do.

In which case, you can use your score card to justify whatever you want to do.

You say you've talked to him... what have you said?

[Brandye]

You know where this is leading - and are even considering it. If you want to save this get the two of you into marriage counselling. There are other issues of which this is just a symptom. The alternative is to follow your desires and that bodes ill for the marriage.

[constantlylearning]

I am confused by this thread. Is the intent of this thread to find a solution or solicit advice or something else entirely?

[dancingdoc2]

I'm sure everybody has heard the saying "if Mama isn't happy, ain't nobody happy...." Unfortunately, the malady usually falls upon deaf ears where guys are concerned. For whatever reasons we seem to plod along day in and day out content in our ruts. Even if "Mama" does voice her displeasure over some issue or suggest a change, guys often don't hear the urgency or the importance with which the matter is voiced. It takes a really BIG stick to get our attention or to get us to step out of the rut.

I frequently remind people that a relationship is a partnership and an active one at that. A working relationship is dynamic and subject to change; it is also what we do with and for each other, not what one does to the other. With the former we give to receive; with the second we selfishly take. I concur that good communication is crucial to the overall health of the relationship. Very often guys clam up and either don't or won't talk or entertain new ideas; or in this case, work on repairing old ones. Pamela, I believe it is in your best interest to try and talk to him and for you to put your cards on the table; however, I also believe that talking and more talking is not the answer. If first you don't succeed in getting him to respond, then get thee directly into counseling. It is important for him to know and understand that by doing nothing to address your unhappiness, he is falling down on this very important aspect of being a husband and lover. His apparent complacency is his own worst enemy, not any fear that may be holding him back. Explain this to him.

When you talk to your husband, try and find out what it is about oral that has changed for him. Encourage him to open up, although do not be surprised if he will not. The reason, spoken or not, could run the gamut from not bathing before making love, not liking hairy places, not believing he is able to do a good job, his tongue and/or mouth becoming tired prematurely, not liking the taste of mucus, etc. When talking to him, consider mentioning these and asking if any are inhibiting his interest.

I am a little concerned about your scorekeeping. While it does serve to show the importance of your unhappiness, your dismay could also impact the situation negatively instead of positively. While I do not recommend this course of action, as a last straw or last ditch (rut?) effort, stop giving him oral, or at the very least, reduce your involvement significantly and see what happens. This may just be the big stick that wakes him up.

There is nothing wrong with entertaining "what if" notions like stepping outside the bounds of marriage, just like there is nothing wrong with fantasies, just as long as you do not act upon the bizarre ones. If you are seriously contemplating being unfaithful, consider first the ramifications of your intended actions. If you say you do not care, then get a divorce, first, after exhausting every other solution at your disposal.

[pamela]

i just want to know if there are any men who are doing this ? w
what should i do counseling is out of the ?
i shower before bed and i shave
why is he doing this
if i talk about it then all it causes is a fight so i don't talk about it
but what made him change

[constantlylearning]

What does the showering and shaving have to do with it?
Maybe, the clean aspect perhaps?

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by pamela

i just want to know if there are any men who are doing this ? w
what should i do counseling is out of the ?
i shower before bed and i shave
why is he doing this
if i talk about it then all it causes is a fight so i don't talk about it
but what made him change

Now I'm confused... don't understand these questions.

Any men doing what? Giving oral? I think if you take a poll, you'll find most enjoy it and do it without much prodding...

Counseling is never out of the question. You can go without him. Some would question your obsession with oral... keeping a score card, etc. In every problem there are contributions from both sides... so if it's a problem you can get some help with it...

You say he's changed? I thought this (no oral) has gone on for over two years. What changed?

It's not good that you can't talk about... what?

[finewine]

Originally Posted by constantlylearning

What does the showering and shaving have to do with it?
Maybe, the clean aspect perhaps?

I would think so.
It's about oral sex, so cleanliness and amount of hair may be an aspect to why he does not want to give her oral but why now?

Originally Posted by pamela

i just want to know if there are any men who are doing this ? w
what should i do counseling is out of the ?
i shower before bed and i shave
why is he doing this
if i talk about it then all it causes is a fight so i don't talk about it
but what made him change

So for 17.5 years you were having good oral sex and now over the last 2.5 years it's changed?
How old are your children?
How many do you have?
How strong are your pelvic muscles?
Is your body biologically or physically responding to him differently now in these last 2.5 years than it did in the earlier 17.5 years?

Why is oral sex from him so important to you compared to penatrative sex?
How is the rest of your sex life with him other than the oral?
Are you both pleasured in the foreplay or is the oral part of your foreplay and therefore you are not getting enough stimulation to reach orgasm and feeling left hanging and unsatisfied when he is satisfied with his orgasm?
Is he feeling pressure to perform?

Why do you fight when you talk about it? What triggers the fight?
Has it become a power struggle and control issue between the two of you?

Have you simply asked him, "Why do you not like to give me oral sex as much anymore?"
Could it be your criticism is making him defensive and making him feel inadequate?
How does he handle feeling inadequate in other areas of your marriage?
Do you see any similarities?
How do you make him feel adequate in those other areas of your marriage?

Have you attacked him and made him defensive or have you attacked the issue to try to resolve it.
There is a difference between saying, "I feel unimportant and not cherished when I do not receive oral from you, hon." and "You never give me oral anymore you selfish son of a bitch."

There are many question to be asked to help you find your solution.
You have to be honest with yourself and with him.