he is leaveing me

[open to ideas]

i dont mean that we are breaking up but he is going into the air force. we have spent every moment together besides classes since the day our relationship has become serious and we love being together. well this school is not good for the degree he wants for his dream. it is the best option for him to get his degree. well the problem is me i am stuck in college. once he goes home this summer he will enlist then when they take him (2-3 months) he will go to basic for 6 1/2 weeks then off to degree training for a minimum of months to years depending on the job he is training for. then he gets a post which could be anywhere from a few hours away to iraq. he gets 30 days of leave a year. he will come to me on leave but i am afraid for him b/c he will change a lot and i will change a little and i am afraid that we will grow apart and that he will be way too different when he comes back. any advice?

[dancingdoc2]

These are very real fears and concerns. No doubt he will have experiences that will broaden his horizons and change his character to some extent. It is important to understand and realize that thousands of men have been drafted or enlisted over the eons and have gone off to war or just done their time for months or years without being able to visit family.

Navy personnel are often deployed for months at a time and have returned home to find that the family has increased by one or two. People in the other services are usually not separated for quite as long, although WWII, Korea, Viet Nam, and now the desert wars are examples of how wartime activities differ from peacetime. Of course the two of you will have different experiences and rates of growth, yet this does not mean in any way that the two of you will fall out of love or separate. Letters, E-mail, phone calls, and lots of packages from home are all ways to keep the home fires buring brightly and hot. I do not believe the focus of your concern should be on the different experiences or rates of growth the two of you may not have in common, but instead, sharing as much as possible what you are doing, making plans, discussing matters relevent to the two of you, etc. that will keep your relationship strong. Take it from one whose been there done that. My wife was still in college when I went into the service and except for yearly leaves those three years went by fairly quickly because we talked and wrote to each other as much as possible and I received "care packages" from her and other family members every so often. It has also been my experience that looking at the months ahead seems like a very long time, yet once at the other end, looking back seems like yesterday or last week.

[open to ideas]

i appriciate the advice doc. does anyone else have suggestions.

[pozzolane]

I'm not too sure that there is anything left to say that doc hasn't already said.

The way I see it you have two choices.

1) Break up and move on

2) Stay together and face the upcoming challenges that a long distance relationship brings.

Another poster on this board, Wally, has put it this way: LDR are challanging but their rewards are just as great. They require strong communication and commitment instead of relying on easier things such as sex for success.

I 100% agree with this.


Good luck

[dancingdoc2]

Well! Now this definitely says it all.
(Or does it?)

[Emmi33]

My boyfriend lives in Arizona and I live in London - its not fun. We have been together for a year. If you choose to stay together here's what I've learned.

(I dont know much about the forces, so I dunno how much contact you will have, me and my boyfriend talk everyday - I doubt you guys will be able to.)

Most important. You should both keep a diary, every single day, exactly what you have done, the smallest things that happenned. If you exchange letters, or email, send them to eachother regularly so you can read about what's going on with eachother. It's vital that you are up to date with eachother's daily life. He needs to know about any little changes, even the tiniest things.
This seems stupid but it will give you both a sense of security and closeness.
Do it!!

Any thoughts you have about being unfaithful - tell him! Even though it might be hard for him to hear that it has crossed your mind - he will be reassured that you told him, because this will show that you are honest and not keeping anything from him. He would probably rather hear that than wonder why everything is just too perfect. Dont lie to him about anything, at all, thats more important in this type of situation.

Reassure eachother constantly of you're love. Try to make small videos of yourselves together just talking to the camera, or film random clips of everyday life. You guys hanging out together. Watch them - it will make you cry, and cry and cry, and you'll feel like crap - that doesnt matter - it will remind you of how much you love him and of what your missing, and it will help ward off thoughts of giving up on it all. (Which are normal btw)

Have one thing that smells like him. At least one. I have his T-Shirt, his boxers (gross I know) and his deoderent. And something that means a lot to him. I have my boyfriend's teddy which he had since he was a baby. And he has a necklace of mine which is very important to me. This will help demonstrate you're trust in eachother and you're intention of staying together. It will give you a bond, and knowing that this item has been such a big part of his life will help you feel close to him.

Silly rituals help, everytime me and my boyfriend say goodbye at the airport we leave lovebites on eacothers neck, its silly I know but its cool.

There will be times when one of you is busy and the other one will have nothing to do. The one with nothing to do may come across needy and the other one might feel crowded. Its normal, try and occupy yourself if your the one missing out, or try to be understanding if not. Tell him you know how he feels. And try not to rub it in his face too much all the great stuff you've been doing.

You will argue. If you're talking a lot, But everytime you do you have to stop, and check why you're arguing. That sounds odd, sometimes me and my bf have a real reason to argue, othertimes its just because we're stressed about being apart, or because all we ever do is talk and we've run out of thimngs to talk about, we've mastered the art of identifying this and working out if we have reason to be arguing, and we continue screaming (lol) or if there's no real reason. We stop, apologise, stop talking for a bit and then return to our conversation.

Saying goodbye doesnt get any easier, it hurts sooo badly. I have no coping methods for that, I cry, eat chocolate and hig his teddy.
Sometimes he starts arguing with me just before we say goodbye, but then he realises why he's doping it. Believe me that wont make goodbye easier, it will make it hurt more afterwards.

What else can I think of? hmm. . . just be honest with eachother, don't hide you're feelings.

Be strong, its not gonna be a nice period of your life, but when you're through it at the end and you're still together - you can know that you're relationship is a lot stronger than it would have been, and it will make for a happier life in the future. Afterwards you're gonna have much more confidence in you're relationship and know that you can get through anything together.

I said goodbye to my boyfriend a week ago and thats the last time - he's moving back to England in 4 months time!!

[open to ideas]

thanks for the advice it should be really helpful. it is nice to have a precise plan to try.

[batman527]

I'm currently kind of facing this situation down as well, as I'm leaving for Marine Officer training in late May. There's a saying in the military, "no plan survives first contact with the enemy." You can try to plan everything, but you're not going to be able to keep up with it, and will probably want and need more contact than your plan will provide for. Just stay committed, and do everything you can to make it work.

My girlfriend is living in Spain this semester. We originally planned to email everyday and talk for an hour on the phone on tuesdays. Well, we've ended up emailing usually two or three times every day, and talking on the phone for two hours at least three times per week. Advice: phone cards. The care packages and hand written letters are also a great way to show your affection. Keep on keepin' on.

[hamitarslan]

I am sure you wil find another man who will share your alone.
After a few weeks you will relaise many thiings.
hamitarslan@mail.ru

[WallyLlama]

I thought I'd posted a "well done" in reply to Emmi's post, but I don't see it! That's actually one of the better posts I've seen about LDRs!

And I'm now compelled to add that Batman speaks wisely... honestly had never heard "no plan survives first contact with the enemy" but am adding it to my arsenal of witticisms!