Sex life having major probs.. need advice please!

[RubyRed]

I am hopefully after some advice for my husband and I's sex life which has hit a critical point at present. I apologise for the graphic content of this post but I feel its necessary to explain in detail in hope I can find a solution to our problem.

We have been together 5 years and married for 2. Up until the birth of our child, and for months after that, I have always had a strong sex drive, even to the point when my husband couldnt keep up with me.

However today is a different story and I think its because of frustration from both sides.

He has always had an interest in doing things that I dont like. He is always bugging me about wanting to come in my mouth for example which he has never done, however I just cant hack it. Usually whilst I am giving him head he gives me warning when he is about to ejaculate which is what I prefer, but a couple of times he has warned me too late. Just the initial part that did happen to go into my mouth was enough to make me gag and then throw up.

I have been tolerant with some things, such as anal which I strongly am against (not only because it hurts but because I feel it is to be only used as a back door!) however have let him go ahead with it to keep the peace, but there are just some other things I dont want to even try.

Because of this he has now become frustrated and has told me that he is unhappy with our sex life and that he feels unforfilled. Sex sessions regularly turn into fights. He has "joked" many times about letting him hire a prostitute so that he can go out and do all these things but I would never allow this and it would break my heart if he ever had sex with another woman.

Furthermore I have recently lost that raging sex drive I once had, I no longer feel that interested in engaging with him, even though I really love him. It gets to the point that by the time our daughter is in bed and I have had some time to relax, I am too tired and would prefer to just go to sleep. I am uncertain of the reasons for this, maybe its because I am back on the pill and its affecting my sex drive, or maybe its just because I am sick of being pressured into doing things I just dont want to do and then it turning into a fight with both of us feeling hurt and rejected.

So I ask you all for help... what can we do?? I dont want this to ruin our marriage and I am scared that if he gets too frustrated he will end up cheating on me or ending our marriage. I really love him and want him to be happy with our sex life.

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.

[vingo]

Hi Ruby ,
I Know Ur Feeling , I Belive In U That U Love Him , But U Still Afraid About Some Sex That He Wanna Do U Have To Be Relaxed Aslo U Have To Feel That U Give The Love For Someone U Love Him . Many Womans Like U Dosn't Accept Man Cumming In Them Mouth ( My Wife Was Too ) Now We Discoused That She Did Becase She Love Me Now She Do It Verry Verry Well U Can Do That On Ur Lips Or On Ur Jowl . . For Anal It's Realy Hurt But U Have To Think Of It Try It With Him First Try To Finger His Anus U Will Get The Exprice Don't Forget To Wear A Cloves And A Lot Of Lub . Don't Let Him Do It For U So Fast Let Him Lick The Area First Adn Be Relax As U Can I Belive U Will Like That In The Futuer .
Ur Husben Need Do Make Ur Sex Life More Hot U Have To Help Him For That Don't Let Him Lose U .

[WallyLlama]

I'd suggest you poke around the site some more... particularly the "supply and demand" thread... just to get some different outlooks.

Bottom line here is that you and he are going to have to do at least two things:

1. Stop disassociating sex from love. There was also a thread on here at one time about the differences between "having sex" and "making love." It's hard to tell if there's some deteroriation going on or if it's always been this way... but the sexual aspect of your relationship seems to be more about power than about love.

2. Start sharing the problems... understand I'm not suggesting this... but the problem isn't just that he might leave or cheat... the problem is also that you might decide to throw him out if he doesn't lighten up... obviously the reverse of sharing the problems is sharing the solutions.

Remember that sex is communication as well as getting off... what are you communicating to each other? And what do you want to tell each other?

[Brandye]

We each have some limits and anal penis penetration is beyond mine. Every couple needs to find the balance between drive and behaviors and it often requires an outsider to help with this. You are on a steep slide that will accelerate.

[RubyRed]

Thanks so much for the advice sofar, I really appreciate it!

Well since joining this board only a few days ago I have had a bit of a look around, have also learnt some tips on some of the things he has been wanting to try.

As a result I have decided to let him go ahead with a couple of them, I just hope this tongue trick does help me to stop the whole gagging thing! If I can get comfortable with it then I dont think I will mind doing it.

I think I might have to see a doctor about my sex drive as I do think its related to the pill. I cant stand not being interested in sex atm! I know the real me and I love sexual activity so this has to be sorted out asap. I am hoping there is a different pill I can take which doesnt have this side effect.

Brandye thanks for the suggestion that we may need to get outside help, we havent been afraid of doing this in the past. We are willing to accept help to improve our relationship! If my attempts fail then we will definetly have to look at this option as, like you said, things will only get worse in future.

If anybody else still has any advice please dont be afraid to share it as I like to have as many options as possible. Maybe there are more others out there who have had these same problems?

Thank you,

RR.

[sexy_angel]

I've been feeling the same way also ....absolutely no sex drive watsoever which has been really frustrating on both me and my boyfriend because I feel bad always turning him down and when I try and go for it I am not at all into it. I've been thinking that maybe its the pill i'm on also. I've had to go on the pill for medical reasons not for birth control (although obviously it was an added bonus). What pill where you taking? Did you manage to switch to another pill and did your sex drive improve?

[ua322]

Ruby, I suspect that your relationship has other deep-seeded problems besides sex. No husband that truly loves his wife would subject her to the things that he has, nor would he make the prostitute comment.

This obsession with coming in your mouth and "using" you for anal sex is something that a guy dreams about doing to a porn star, not to the one he loves. It sounds like you have gone WAY beyond the call of duty in the sex department.

If you've lost your sex drive after this kind of treatment, I can't really blame you for that. I mean, what you have described is a situation where you are being "used" to fulfill his every sexual urge.

[RubyRed]

I think the problem is that he is a deviant, he made that clear from the start of our relationship that he had sexual interests that went beyond normal intercourse, and unfortunately he fuels his cravings to try these activities with downloading porn off the net, unfortunately some of the things he has downloaded are not the least bit appealing to me and sometimes I question why he would find such things a turn-on.

I feel that because he sees women doing these things he questions why I cant provide him with the same attention :S

I have no doubts whatsoever that he loves me, I do agree that the prostitute comment is crossing the line and he has been told this even though he says he doesnt mean it seriously.

Things are ok at present, havent tried any new techniques as yet but the normal oral attention I gave him last night left him quite happy (and me too since it wasnt anything out of my league). As long as he can understand that I am not a porn star or will rarely behave like one then it will make things a heck of a lot easier.

Thanks again for the advice, its much appreciated.

[naughtylilthang]

I think maybe there is a lack of trust and clear communication in the bedroom.First thing is to discuss both of your sexual expectations outside the bedroom so as not to cause any arguments, or hurt feelings. Your limits are your limits, and they should be respected. I am not a relationship expert by any means, but I am sure that with effort on both parts, you can have sex again w/o feeling like a pleasure toy.

[ShadowLynnParker]

Ok, He wants to do many things that you think are not the norm. This tells me that he is poking about many things without your knowledge. The real deal would be to tell him that you will go out and hire a prostitute. Now you hire a man to come to your home. When he see'd this you tell him it is a male prostitute. Now the tables are turned. I know that is going to far but look. This is my advise to you. If you don't want to try some of the things he wants then the answer is that you simply don't. If he loves you he will just have to deal with it. I think you may have to perv up a tad and he will have to perv down a bit. Now you two will have to compromise in the middle somewhere. If I posted what I really thought on here we would be shut down. Google me sometime. we can talk about it more.