Faking it...?

[feda06]

Alright. sorry this is long, but here goes.
I"ve been with my bf for nearly 1 1/4 years. we're pretty far apart, and it's the most difficult long distance relationship I've ever had. I love him dearly, and we have a chance at a great future together.
His visits are limited (he's only been up for holidays mainly), as he works and I'm in school. So when he's here, we make the most out of our time.
the gist of this post...is that I can't come easily with him. I am a very sexual person. I enjoy pleasing myself and him. I love giving him head, and seeing his reactions to what I do, and hearing him enjoy it.
when it comes to sex, like I mentioned in a different post, we've only ever done it in the missionary position. The first time, I came no problem. It was more of the anticipation and buildup, and it was fine.
but other than that, it got to the point where I *GASP* faked it. Yup...I know I shouldn't have, but I did. And I didn't have the heart to tell him. I don't know if I couldn't relax or what, but I faked it.
other times, he came too quickly, and I didn't at all. I love pleasing him, and I love the CLOSENESS of having sex with him, but i can't seem to come! He's wanting to try new positions, and so do I. I struggle with my body type a bit. I've lost 80 lbs, (currently weigh 154) and I should be proud of my body, but I still am umcomfortable, and worry about trying new positions. like me on top. he's bigger than I am, and that doesn't matter at all.
is it that I can't relax enough during sex to come?
what am I doing wrong!?!? I love him dearly, but I just want to be able to come from intercourse with him. I realize that some women aren't able to achieve an orgasm from sex alone...
please help!!!!

[feda06]

oh, and I forgot to mention, that he doesn't ever, or hasn't ever gotten into oral sex with me.
I knew from the start that he was never big fan of it. He said that he only does it when he's with someone special and comfortable with them.
we've been together so long, I just want to be able to orgasm with him, and not have to wait for my vibrator when he's gone.

[Brandye]

Might be time to tell him that this is not going as well as he may think. In the short term, we can all fake it once in a while. In the long term, why waste our times if we rush to masturbate as soon as he leaves.

You two need some deep talking.

[feda06]

I don't rush off with my vibrator as soon as he's gone. I was just commenting that I can't come with him and was looking for some advice, that it isn't as easy as with a toy...

[Cicero]

Originally Posted by feda06

He said that he only does it when he's with someone special and comfortable with them.

With all due respect: That´s a pretty rude answer on his part. He´s more or less saying to you "You´re not special to me and I am not comfortable with you".
To my mind that´s pretty degrading. Or he´s simply not good with words.

As Brandye said: There´s need to talk. He might tell you why he´s not comfortable with you after over one year and you might tell him that you don´t cum. Sitting far away at my keyboard on another continent I´d say that there´s some basic stuff you need to get across.

[feda06]

without making excuses for him, because I wouldn't as I deserve BETTER then that, he isn't that great with words.

I pretty much think it boils down to him being inexperienced in that area, not having gone down on a woman at all...or feeling like he won't do a good job, or even that he just doesn't like it. With that in mind, I feel awkward asking that of him? does that make any sense? With my weight loss to date, I'm trying o be more open and comfortable with my body. I just don't want to make him uncomfortable in return..I just wanna come! lol

[Cicero]

You´re not asking him something weird. So there´s no reason to be ashamed. Though it always depends on how relaxed you feel about raising sexual issues. To my mind it is better to feel awkward for 40sec while you tell the problem then to feel awkwards for weeks or even months because nothing changes. And if he´s not good with words then don´t corner him (Though I didn´t get the impression you´d do that). You don´t want to win an argument but to enhance your sexlife

If it is of any comfort to you: My g/f also finds it hard to come with penile penetration only (I am not a native english speaker and those words just sound awful!) so we have to get the work done in two stages most of the time. But no one gets left behind

If she hadn´t told me that she finds it difficult to come through penetration I´d perhaps still be trying and desperating. But she *told me* (<--- hint!) and so we could come ... to a solution.

There´s no single solution that fits everybody. That´s why you´ll have to come to that solution between yourselves. By talking and trying out *g* In fact only speaking your mind may help you to relax mentally and to help you easen up. After all you´re carrying a lot of mental baggage with you since you put yourself under pressure.

Good luck!

[WallyLlama]

Yep... there's a lot about communication here... working on communication and the relationship won't exactly "make you cum" more readily, but it will set the stage.

I often repeat that "making love" is really about communicating... so you really want to look at this as a package... what you say, what you do... and no more faking, that's dishonest. You're not going to achieve the goal without a lot of communication... and the goal will also yield a lot of communication.

BTW, I think the LDR complicates this, because you simply don't have enough opportunities for sex... but the LDR aspect gives you HUGE opportunities for communication.

One other BTW... we're posting specific "LDR" questions and topics in the "Other Sex" section, starting the topic with LDR... you're invited!

[feda06]

I do believe that communication is huge...and in a weird way, our LDR does help that. We talk everything out, no matter how bad. So I guess I shouldn't see this as anthin different.

I don't plan on faking. ever. again. period. lol I felt terrible afterwards, and the only person I was fooling is myself. If he doesn't know the better, that's one thing. but I"m only stopping myself from enjoying the sex.

The next time we're together, I'm going to try and be more open with him. IF for some reason I don't reach orgasm, I'm not going to fake it. I'll be honset about it, and when/if asked why not, that opens up the doors for showing him what I like.

but if that doesn't happen, how can I bring it up? I don't want to start this in a way that bruises his ego, or makes him think that he's no good. I want us to both enjoy the moment. I know I make sure to pay attention to his body language when going down on him, but I don't think he's that open to mine. Once when his fingering got a little rough, i let him know, but he was so shy after that. Almost afraid to touch me..
what do I do? how can I bring this up?

[WallyLlama]

A couple of things...

One, the best time to discuss sex is when you're NOT having it. I'd suggest having the conversation outside the act, that way you don't have to start with "I didn't cum."

Two, you can't totally control his reaction to what you say. Much as you have to take control of your orgasm, he must take control of his feelings about himself and understand that you're not criticizing. It really is all about learning together.

You might even make the conversation about him to start... what does he like, what would be better, etc. If he says "nothing," press him until you get something out of him... then you get a turn so to speak.

One other thing - don't make it all about the orgasm. You're really learning to communicate (sexually) and experience pleasure.