Just Wondering

[Lovinglife]

I'm a new here, I'll start by saying hello to everyone.

A little about me.

I've been married for 17 years. My wife was my best friend at 14, we started dating at about 16 and were married at 18. It sounds like a great love story but it really wasn't.

We got married because she became pregnant. We probably had the worst marriage in the history of the world for about the first five years. Then we started connecting again and have had a great marriage ever since.

We have an active sex life, about 3 times a week sometimes more but rarely less. We have tried and done just about everything two people can do together sexually.

So where is the problem? Well... I like for her to be more sexually aggresive in bed some times and she will not do it. When it comes to sex I'm always the dominate partner. We communicate very well and I have told her this but she just doesn't like to be the dominate one in sex.

When I say dominate I'm not referring to s&m or anything like that, just to be more aggresive (her being in control of the action). She craves and enjoys having sex just as much as I do and atleast half the time she will be the one that starts our romp in bed.

exp. I love to perform oral sex on her, I truly love it. I just love the feeling I get of giving her pleasure. Now she is more of an intercoarse kind of girl. So when I start performing oral on her she will ask for intercourse as soon as she is excited. Also note that I hardly ever get to perform oral on her even though I would gladly do it all the time if she wanted.

In case your wondering I really don't think I suck at performing cunniligus, I'm educated on the subject and love to do it.

Also she is not a mousy type of girl in our regular life. she is all woman and has a lot of character.

So what do I do in a situation like this? How do I get her to be more aggresive? or do I just learn to live with it?

[champloo]

sounds like you have talked to her...im not sure..

being 14, and also being with the girl of my dreams/love of my life already, i felt i had to post on this topic, and mainly because it seems you found love at 14 as well.

im wishing the best of luck to you and your problem.

[Iris]

I know that I have problems being aggressive in bed. I don't know if it's that I feel exposed or what, but it doesn't come naturally at all. I much much, much prefer to be the submissive, it's what turns me on, whenever I try to be dominant (at the request of my boyfriend) it feels so fake, so forced that we end up with him being dominant again. Once in a great while, generally after I've been very angry or pissed off I can manage dominance. (I'm not talking about S&M or anything, just natural aggression). Does she herself love receiving oral? Have you ever talked to her about it? I know that it’s only recently that I could enjoy oral and that’s because I’m with a guy who truly loves giving it and will listen to me and did listen to me when we first tried it. Maybe she’s just not comfortable? If that’s not it, then entice her with the multiple orgasm line, you get her “off” with your mouth and then with penetration perhaps?

Sounds like you need to talk to her about the oral situation. As to the dominant thing, I don’t know what to say other than I know where she’s coming from I think. It’s just hard to do something that doesn’t come naturally to me. I am however willing to try it to make him happy.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by Lovinglife

When I say dominate I'm not referring to s&m or anything like that, just to be more aggresive (her being in control of the action).

...I just love the feeling I get of giving her pleasure. Now she is more of an intercoarse kind of girl. So when I start performing oral on her she will ask for intercourse as soon as she is excited. Also note that I hardly ever get to perform oral on her even though I would gladly do it all the time if she wanted.

Ummmmm.... notice anything? Sounds like to some extent she is controlling the action.

I think you need to look below the desire for her to be more aggressive... to what's driving it, to what you really want... and why. Sometimes our needs are driven by a deeper desire that can be satisfied in other ways. And, since you do seem to have a good relationship with good communication skills, why not do it with her? NOT during sex! That's a common mistake... the best time to talk about sex is not while you are having it!

Consider reversing the approach: ask her to help you figure out why you'd like her to be more aggressive, something she's not comfortable with... explore it together, in effect switching sides of the "issue" so you have to understand her discomfort as well... making it a shared problem.

One other observation is that sometimes the problems are in the words... so you might need to talk about specific things you'd like to do together. It's one thing to tell someone you'd like them to be more aggressive or dominate; it's quite another to explain (and negotiate, perhaps) what sort of things that includes. You really need to share this... identifying what she's comfortable with... and being focused on "what can I do to help you...?"

Hmmm. I thought I was finished, but I have one more thought. LMAO If all else fails, get totally silly over it together. Make it a joke, a play act... be a little nuts. You could show up in handcuffs or something, I don't know. Laughter is a great tension easer and it can be very "freeing."