Study Abroad

[batman527]

I apologize for the sheer horrifying volume here...

hey everyone, this is my first post, I didn't really know where else to look. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, two months, and 13 days. If this thread isn't apropriate for this forum, I hope a moderator will either move or delete it. Here goes...

My current girlfriend and I are not new to this long distance thing. For most of our relationship, (with the exception of breaks from school and the summer) we were pretty much only able to see each other every other weekend. We got through that with pretty much no problem because we talked on the phone everyday. I never thought I'd say this, but God bless cell phone companies and their free long distance combined with free nights and weekends.

Anyway, she's attending class in Europe this semester. That's four months that we'll be apart. We email, and every tuesday afternoon (night for her) I call her using a phone card and we chat until I burn all the minutes off the card. We both knew going in that it would put a severe strain on our relationship, but we also both knew that if she didn't go, there was the possibility that she would forever regret the decision to not have this experience. She's majoring in the language of the country she went to, so the experience in invaluable. I was excited for her when she left. I was glad that she was going to do something that she had been wanting to do since she was a freshman in high school. I was also glad that she wouldn't forever regret the missed opportunity, and possibly resent me for it. Regardless of my rational train of thought here, my heart was broken when I dropped her off at the airport. I cried in the car for twenty minutes before I could drive home.

The emotion I wasn't prepared for was the resentment I felt at being left behind. It was something my rationalle couldn't control. I got bitter, because I felt like a huge part of my life was completely cut-out, which it was I suppose. After struggling with this for a while, I talked to her about it, and I feel like our relationship is stronger after the experience. That's what great about this girl, when we have problems, we talk about them and end up feeling closer than ever. We've had our problems in the sex area too, but we're working on them together (as much as we can while being on opposite sides of an ocean). Now, with the background established, let me get to the problem.

I (doing the typical guy thing) apparently missed the hints that she's been dropping for the past six months about her desire to have me come and visit her. I think there is a lesson in here for women: if you want something, tell us, hinting is no way to deal with a guy, tell us what you want, and we'll do anything we can for you. Having gotten that weight off of my chest, I'll continue... I don't think that I can financially afford to take a week off of work and school (I'd have to take all of my finals at least a week early) to spend upwards of 3,000 dollars to fly to Europe for a week. The trip would bankrupt me for sure, and I don't want to max-out my credit card either. Ten days after I'd get back, I would leave for Marine Corps Officer Training. So needless to say, I could use the time to continue getting in shape. When I told her that after all of my figuring and debating with myself/consulting with my parents about it, that I couldn't make the trip. She sounded like I had just run her over with a freight train. It kills me to hear her like that, but I just can't do it. There's no way.

To make matters worse, apparently all of her friends' boyfriends will be making a trip to come see them. I guess one guy is even taking out a loan to be able to make the trip. My girlfriend apparently thinks that this means that they love their girlfriends more than I love her, which I think is ludicrous, but I can't make her think the way that I think.

I want to make it up to her in the worst way, but I fear that there's nothing that I can do, and I fear that I've ruined our relationship. She said it best with, "at this point, you're going to resent me if you come, and I'm going to resent you if you don't". Don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to go visit her, I know she loves it there and would love to be able to show me all of it. I guess this whole situation is causing a lot of doubt for the both of us...

Our relationship is on the rocks right now. I don't know how to salvage it. I'm totally lost, and I can't be there for her to try and take the pain away. I feel like a schmuck and a loser, like I'm failing her as a boyfriend. At the same time, I'm once again wrangling with feelings of resentment about being left behind. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again, this site seems to be greatly helpful and sincere.

[WallyLlama]

Ouch.

As a way of offering some qualification, Lori and I have been in an LDR for just about a year. So at some level, "I feel your pain," at least in the sense that LDR's create some very different emotions and needs.

When you start handling those together, you'll find that LDRs also offer huge opportunities for building incredibly good, intimate, strong relationships.

I can tell you what it looks like, at this point. She's right - at this point you're going to resent... You're both caught up in the emotion and have, somewhat, (and unintentionally) put yourselves and each other in a "no win" situation.

What I'm going to suggest will perhaps be very hard.

Acknowledge all those emotions... she's allowed to feel devestated that you're not coming. You're allowed to feel like a schmuck and loser. Don't get caught in the trap of debating who's entitled to feel worse and, as you already know, don't get caught in the trap of thinking the other should feel differently.

Then set those emotions off to the side and ask yourselves what's really most important - what you are about as a couple and what you really agree on. Hopefully you agree on loving each other... on making each other's happiness important... on seeing each other grow and develop as indivuduals... Don't use this list, these are hints only.

Because in the final analysis, this is not about a trip to Europe. It's about your ability to problem solve as a couple.

You're so close to getting this right... listen to yourself! You'd love to be able to go... she'd love to be able to show you the country... Why should those feelings make your relationship go on the rocks? Snap out of the failure syndrome...

Another hint? It's not about a trip to Europe. It's about really, really, really wanting each other... and it's all complicated by the fact you have a "longer" distance relationship, both in miles and frequency of phone calls and visits. You both want the same thing -- thats good for a relationship. Start with what you agree on and then ask yourselves, what do you do when you both want the same thing and can't get it?

BTW, see why I think there might be a place for an LDR forum on this board?

[batman527]

Thanks Wally, everything you said makes sense. I do want to be with her, and I do want to make her happy. Sometimes I'm a little worried that she's mostly concerned with me making her happy and not so much caring about making me happy. Frankly, that might be my fault, because making her happy makes me happy. So there might be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy happening there.

She's important enough to me to fly to Europe to keep her. I'd prefer to not have to go that far, but I'm pretty crazy. It'd be nice to make her see that.

Well, thanks again.

[nursefluffykins]

ok im not addressing the multiple onion layers of the issues brought up here, but one thing i'll say for now is that personnally i dont blame you for not wanting to bankrupt yourself to go to Europe for a week and come back right before your traning!.. i'd respect a guy for that! I'd rather he be sensible...

[constantlylearning]

You know nobody ever said love is NOT expensive. I mean that in a very light hearted manner. That is a terrible dilemma but let me just say I hope things do go well for you in all aspects of your life.

[batman527]

hey, I'd just like to thank everyone for the support and help. Today we had a nice talk on the phone that started out as an argument and turned into a mush fest. So, we've got it mostly worked out. There are still some issues left to address, but the major one, the trip, is over with. We're still together, and once again I think we're closer than we were before.

I don't know that long distance relationships of this magnitude can really go on without a hitch over the span of the whole time apart. Seriously, we're going through four months of total deprivation from each other. We've both had the feeling that we've "lost the fire", so to speak. Nothing better than a huge fight to remind you just how important that person is in your life. I know it's really twisted, but it's really the only emotional contact that we've been able to achieve with her so far away. I mean, we can say "I love you", and "I miss you so much" and mean it, but it just doesn't connect emotionally the way it does when you're actually with the person. Yet the fear of loss, and the pain of damn-near-loss can rip open the emotional flood gates, and you kind of get all the old emotions back, unlocked if you will. Maybe that's kind of demented, but it's the truth in my experience.

When you get locked into your daily routine without that special someone, it's easy to lose track of how much that person means to you. All your emotions, or the lack thereof, kind of get pushed down, partly as a defense mechanism, partly because you just start to "adjust" to not having the person you love around. in my experience, the love doesn't totally disappear, it just kind of gets locked away, and then it comes roaring back in a storm of emotions. Highs, lows, "I hate you"; "I love you"; and everything in between all happen at once. It's pretty scary. For me, though, nothing is a better reminder of you're true feelings. The "I hate you" stage is just in the heat of the moment. The true emotion, love, can eventually shine through that, but all of the others have to happen too, or you're really going to be an emotional mess, very confused, and very lost.

Anyway, that's just my advice to those who are also embarking on extreme long distance relationships. This post is much longer than I expected it to be. Thanks again everyone.

[WallyLlama]

By jove, I think he's got it! LOL

Interesting... but I think correct... it's the intensity, not the fight that does it.

Even in "normal" (non-LD) relationships, we struggle with how independent to be. Stir in the distance and it's so easy... to lose that person's involvement in the daily routines until we need something -- a crisis, a fight, whatever -- to remind us how much we really love.

Isn't it exciting fun to figure out what "works" for you as a couple?!!!

[batman527]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

Isn't it exciting fun to figure out what "works" for you as a couple?!!!

haha, in hindsight, it's cool. Ummm... in the heat of the moment, it's not necessarily "exciting fun", more "exciting horror". In the end, though, I suppose it is fun to figure out how we work, but it's definitely with 20/20 hindsight. For a while there, I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her lights out, and I'm pretty sure she was ready to make damn sure that I don't have the opportunity to spread my genetic legacy... period. If you know what I mean. We're happy again though. Love can be so confusing...

[shadowy19]

Hey,

Welcome to the world of Long distance relationships!! my boyfriend and I have been apart since January 14th now... but we're still totaly head over heals for eachother. We've been together for coming up on 6 years now, and all those years we've been apart. More recently we've been spending loads to get together though. he came over to see me in august, and again in january, and i'm going over in paril (23 more days!! BOOYA!)

long distance things suck. but thank god for msn. we talk every night for almost 2 hours It's amazing how much I miss him when I have to work a night shift and we don't get to talk (7 hour difference...)

The only advice I can give for LD relationships is.. never give up. It's absolutley horrible being apart from the one you love, but once you get back together, it's completly worth it. The little things you can't do when your apart, like holding hands, seem even more special. Enjoy the time you get to be with her/him and never take what you have for granted. Every moment you get to actually be with them is super special and you should cherish every moment that you're with her/him.

Good luck

shaodwy

[ua322]

Dude, I assure you that the following excerpt from your first post is the root of this entire problem:

Originally Posted by batman527

To make matters worse, apparently all of her friends' boyfriends will be making a trip to come see them. I guess one guy is even taking out a loan to be able to make the trip.

I guarantee that her friends are what this is all about. (And by the way, taking out a loan for such a trip is asinine. Which ever girl's BF did that, she can be assured that they will always be in debt in the future with that kind of financial wizardry.)

My wife is completely unromantic. I have always been more thoughtful and more romantic than she ever expects or needs. But when she's at work with the other ladies and it's Valentine's Day or something of that nature, she is COMPLETELY different. She suddenly NEEDS romantic affirmation. If she's off work on Valentine's Day, then it's no big deal.

I guarantee she is surrounded with other girls who are bouncing off the walls and chit-chatting 24-7 about how their BF's are flying half way around the world to come see them. I assure you that you are twice the boyfriend that any of those guys are, but for this one instance, it does not matter.

I hate the word, but your GF is being coerced by "peer pressure". Hang in there and you guys will survive.

Maybe you could arrange romantic things like sending her flowers, candy, etc. Send her a steady stream of letters and pictures or something. Anything for her to show off your devotion to her.

This is all about bragging rights amongst the females.