No Sex After Childbirth

[Woodpecker]

I had a very good and active sex life with my wife before the first child was born. My wife liked sex, initiated it at times and was able to share fantasies and stories with me (as well as me telling her some stories) that enhanced our sex life. Our very good sex life continued while she was pregnant with our first child and then stopped completely until 2 1/2 years after the first child was born. We had sex just a couple of times during that period in which she got pregnant again (she wanted another child) and that basically has been it since, which is 3+ years later. I have tried everything to restart our sex life but nothing has worked, Brought her flowers, told her how pretty she looks, give her massages, cuddle, etc. but nothing works. She tells me she feels guilty in this part of our relationship. We still have one child sleeping in our room which greatly inhibits us. I can't get her to put this child in her own room (which we have and furnished for the child). My other child sleeps in another room. When my wife feels enough guilt she says that we will have sex and then lies there like a dead fish waiting for it to be over (she usually verbalizes this emotion). That's not what I want and therefore sex never takes place. I get pissed and roll over and go to sleep. In the one or two times that I have been able to initiate sex with her and somehow get her into the mood (it usually takes an exceedingly long time - I'm willing to do anything to get her in the mood and I express the fact that I like it) with her in the past 3+ years she has enjoyed herself and verbalizes that this was good and we should do it more often. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen. I have asked her to consult her doctor to see if it's a physical problem and she says she will but when she goes to the doctor won't bring up the topic. I have tried bringing up the topic of a counselor to her but she won't go. I've tried to use whatever stimulants we used before child (tapes, books, magazines, stories, etc.) but everything turns her off. All the fun has gone out of her life. We can't even go out without taking at least one of the kids with us. She can't say no if they complain that they want to come along too. It probably annoys her that I can leave the kids home to have a night out without them. I just don't think that your life is over after childbirth. I love my wife and really don't want to look elsewhere but what can I do at this point. I tell her to go out and have a life whether it is getting a job or going to the gym or whatever just so she has other human contact. She joined a gym and went twice a week or so for a few weeks but only talks about getting a "real job" and having human contact. Looking forward to hearing any advice on this matter.

[Luvs2plzU]

There is NO OPTION about going to see a marriage counsellor/therapist...and GO IMMEDIATELY, this happened to me 22 yrs ago..and it didn't get better ,when we finally did get to the marriage counsellor it was 20yrs too late...no matter how much you love her and much you sacrifice,the both of you must seek help, it will not get better on it's own...been there,done that,bought the teeshirt...

[finewine]

well, counsellors/therapists don't work if you don't want to find a solution or if you have the impression that your partner wants to "fix" you and not work on fixing himself as well.

I say she is in a depression of unmet expectations.
Ask her what she thought her life was going to be. Have her think on it and write it down. Take one thing on that list and make it happen.

Mothering is the most "real" job there is. It is the most stressful, time consuming job there is. The rewards are not immediate. There is 24/7 responsibility, no paid vacations, no sick leave, no retirement.

She sees herself not as the lover but as the mother.
How can a mother be seductive and sexy???
It is a mental mind set she must change.

She may just be mentally exhausted and that will affect her physically.
She must feel feminine and beautiful and sexy again.

How much do you help her at home when you come home from work?
How often to you publicly praise her in front of your children, your peers and acquaintances?
How often to you offer to just hold her, nothing more, or give her a shoulder and neck massage? How often do you just touch her, in a non sexual way, to show your love for her?
Now ask her the same questions and see if your answers are the same.

Is your motivation in doing anything for her selfish or out of love for her and her benefit?

Set one day aside and go out to eat without the children. Find a babysitter and do not take no for an answer.
It will be confrontational at first, her life and worth is wrapped up in her children. Help her find her life and worth in herself again.
You plan it and take charge of it. Even if you just go to McDonalds for a cup of coffee.
She is tired of taking charge of things all day long at home.
Take her on a picnic or whatever you did before the children came and reestablish your friendship and love for each other without any pressure for sex.

[Luvs2plzU]

I do NOT know of very many couples that can successfully diagnos what the problems are in their marriages. There is a myth that by going to a counsellor or therapist, you are trying to "fix" someone else...or that there are BIG problems with the marriage...NOT true...a marriage counsellor or therapist should be visited every 5 years just so you don't lose sight or get stuck in a rut. Both people should want to attend a session, I believe they "owe" it to their partner...there is a GIGANTIC list of excuses after the birth of child and I'm so sorry that I BOUGHT into that way of thinking...No way should the birth of a child "destroy" what a couple had...if anyone thinks like that..they NEED some professional guidance..there is nothing wrong with seeking that guidance..it doesn't mean you wacko...it means you care and love each other enough to realize that this might just be something you don't know how to adjust...

[finewine]

It is not a myth about a partner wanting to "fix" the other. That does happen. Person A wants person B to change. Person A does not have to change. Person A thinks that only person B needs to change.

You are correct, until both want to work at it, therapy or counseling with not help.
I don't think one "owes" one's partner counselling.
I think what partners owe to each other is common courtesy and respect... and that can be expressed differently for each couple.

You are correct, children should always be second to the partner,
but if the partner's worth is not validated then children or career can become first to the partner.

Next time she says the sex was good ask her what specifically was good about it. Don't assume anything. You might be surprised.

[Luvs2plzU]

I'm kinda from the Gary Smalley side of the fence and yes...MEN typically want to FIX things...it's part of our "wiring"....LOL...seriously,,,they need some professionals to point out these little nuances that exsist between men and women and how much different we are wired..it sure does help explain why we see things so different at times....it's all good...

[finewine]

I do like Gary Smalley. He has some great things to say about relationships.

[WallyLlama]

Problems are always about pain. He's got lots, she's got none. She's not motivated to change a thing because she's got exactly what she wants, babies. I didn't do all the math, but it sounds like she taps into her breeding machine occasionally so she can have a baby in the crib next to the bed. For the next couple of years she gets flowers, cuddles, massages... all is well... until it's time to drag out the breeding machine again.

I'm stating this a bit ruthlessly, because until she has a problem (some pain) she of course has no desire to change a thing. The LAST thing she needs is more whining and dining. The FIRST thing she needs is to discover that her husband and her relationship with him is more important than her children.

One reason children are easy to love is that they expect almost nothing in return.

My advice? Up the ante, increase the expectations and create a little pain. The breeding machine needs a little maintenance.

Just so it's not missed, that advice also includes making your feelings and needs as important as hers. In a sense, you've encouraged (by allowing) this problem to exist for way too long.

[champloo]

sounds like a problem...

before my dad passed away, i heard my parents rocking the bed posts atleast once a week...and my dad was 40 and my mom is 44 now...

hope you can get some real action soon from your wife man

[Brandye]

I am with Wally. See the thread on Supply and Demand.

Time to issue an ultimatum that either you two take joint action, such as a counselor, or this is all over.