Open Relationships

[Christopher]

My girlfriend brought up the idea to me the other day of having an open relationship. A relationship where you see other people but you still have one another. I have been thinking about it. A lot. Weighing all the pros and cons, how would I feel how would she feel ect... I'm still completely undecided oh the subject, and I still have to talk with her quite a bit more about it. But in the mean time, I am curious as to who else has an open relationship with their partner and how it is going for you? What works and what doesn’t? And has it helped your relationship with your partner or damaged it?

[AptPupil]

I dont share my lover and i wouldnt want to myself. Can you do that and still truely love eachother? The chances of HIV and STDs are far greater aswell.

[WallyLlama]

I'd say "define open relationship" and make sure you both agree. From the OP it sounds like we're just talking about "dating around" which could make sense if you're not ready to commit to each other and be exclusive.

We have an "open" relationship in the sense that we are totally open and honest with each other. It allows us both to share fearlessly and feel totally connected.

That also means there's no room for anyone else. We even have a deal that if either of us felt the least bit tempted to "cheat" or be interested in another, we have to tell the other.

So I can't for the life of me see how dating outside the relationship would help the relationship. I'd be very interested in why she wants it.

[Christopher]

I'm really not sure why to be honest. The conversation we were having when she first brought it up was interrupted and we didn’t get a chance to finish it. This isn’t the kind of thing I want to talk with her about over the phone either, but I’m going to see her tonight, so I am going to resume the conversation where we left it off.

[wifey]

to me when someone talks about an open relationship means that they want to sleep around with your permission, i.e. to have you as a regular shag for those "quiet" moments but otherwise to shag others...
personally i would have been extremely unhappy if my boyfriend had suggested anything along the lines of going open.
a friend of mine did it, i.e. had four regular lovers and few one night stands in between. she was open about it with all of them. eventually she settled down with one of those guys only to see a day of him breaking their relationship off two years later. reasons, he still couldn't trust her even after she'd gone all exclusive on him. i think there is a lesson to be learnt from the mistakes of others...

[constantlylearning]

You must define what "open" exactly means and then proceed from there in my opinion.

[Christopher]

Ok, we had out chat, here's the deal.

She wants to date and have sex with other people. She also wants me to do the same. Yes, she wants that. I asked twice just to be clear. Her reasons were she plans on being with me for quite a long time but she still wants a chance to experience other people while she is still young. She wants the same for me. Just so we don’t wind up in out 40s and eyeing other people wondering "what if?".

Ok, fair enough. She ****ing sucks in bed most of the time anyways and I wouldn’t mind seeing what it's like elsewhere, but, that being said, I would probably hate myself for it. I don’t understand how she could be ok with, and is encouraging me to do that. She has put a hell of a lot of thought into this though. It has been on her mind for the better part of two months. She has been talking it over with her friends (one of whom actually has an open relationship with her boyfriend). And one of her other friends is actually encouraging her to go through with this.

So, pros, I get to see what other people are like. Not just on a personal level and physically and emotionally. We wouldn’t be wondering "what if?" a few years down the road. It might actually do us some good.
Cons, there is the risk that one of us will get some form of STD. This could pull our relationship apart.
Grey arias, I don’t know how I feel about the thought of her being done by some other guy. It would be nice if she were to just magically not suck in bed, but unfortunately that's one of those things that takes time and practice, and that's just a whole other story all together.

So, I still have a lot of thinking to do. Right now, I am leaning towards giving it a go, sort of sticking my toe in the pool to see if it's nice or not. Maybe set up some basic guide lines and go on a couple dates with other people and see how that goes before taking it any further. I also want to take with her one friend that is in an open relationship already and find out how it is going with her and her boyfriend.

[WallyLlama]

Well, I'd have to say that this is some "interesting" logic. The solution to wandering eyes and minds in the later years of marriage is to screw your brains out before you get married. Hmmm.

Actually, I think it is, because my prediction is that the two of you are not going to stay together anyway.

How much thought you put into something isn't measured by how long you think, it's about what you think and consider. I can assure you of one thing, your "pro, con, and gray" list doesn't begin to scratch the surface - in terms of the affect on your relationship. Those are the factors in how much dating one does, even if not in a relationship.

I don't mean to sound like I'm judging, because I'm not... I think you should both do exactly what you want to do. I just think you are kidding yourselves by calling this an open-relationship. You're both looking for a better partner while maintaining in some sort of a relationship with each other.

[Christopher]

Thanks for being so blunt.

And yah, some days I wonder weather or not we will stay together. We have been with one another for quite some time, but, yah. This thing has just given me a whole new perspective on our relationship. I mean, I always look at things with an open mind. Can’t help it, I’m a Libra. And I have been open minded about this I think. You know, not judging right away and such. But I don’t know. Just had a talk with one of my very trusted friends about the whole thing and she kind of got me thinking straight.

So, yah. No. This isn’t going to happen. And I need to have another heart to heart with my girl about the whole thing too.

Thanks guys

[Woodpecker]

You might as well do it or ask her to have a threesome - that might fulfill a fantasy of yours. I've been married and have kids and the sex sucks cause the wife has no desire for sex anymore. So before you make any commitments to her make sure that she's the one cause it won't get any better later on.