Obsessional Relationship

[wonderless]

I’m gonna try and keep this fairly short and simple because it’s a long and complex story. Anyway I was with this girl for a year, we split up, and I got really depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about her. We got back together 4 mths later for about 5 mths. She went on a holiday, cheated on me and when she came back to the country didn’t wanna know me.

Over the next 6 mths she’d make contact every now and then, saying she wanted to get back together and then she’d change her mind. As a consequence of that I changed my numbers to stop her contacting me. We didn’t speak for a year, although throughout the period she sent lots of stupid emails but never actually saying anything to make conversation. From the stuff she sent it appeared that she was in a relationship. I ignored everything she sent but she still sent them. Despite everything she did to me I still thought about her regularly. Actually it was much to my annoyance because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her even though I did everything to disassociate myself from her and memories of her.

To cut along story short, her emails became more frequent and we ended up speaking on MSN where she told me that her relationship has ended, that she loved me, wanted to be with me and couldn’t stop thinking about me – all the time.

She has truly treated me badly, she is a liar and a cheat and there really can’t be any future with her because I don’t trust her. However like I said I still thought about her regularly (even though I really didn’t want to) and she thought about me all the time. She also went on to say that she could never really find (with other people) what she had with me and that her life wasn’t the same and that nothing has been right since she lost me.

The thing is that I never found anyone who had what she had and never made me feel what I had with her. Because we both think this and keep coming back, does this mean that we are right for each other? Is this purely obsessional thinking on both of our parts? Are we addicted to the dynamics of the relationship that we had. Has anyone else had an ex who they just couldn’t forget after a long time? Why does she keep coming back to me and why do I let her? Am I just sad, lonely and desperate to allow someone back into my life that treated me so badly? If I could wipe her from my memory I gladly would because I want to be free of her but there seems to be this link and I know it needs to be broken because she will just hurt me over and over again.

Can anyone help because I just can’t continue to lead my life like this???

[Luvs2plzU]

For me a relationship is 90% trust, if trust is lost, it is almost useless to continue with a relationship, you will always have that little nagging voice in the back your mind whispering to you,,,unless trust is EARNED back 200% things will be rough, and I'm still saying that little nagging voice will remain,that's just my 2 bits...

[wonderless]

I don't trust her and it would be very difficult to regain it. However I keep coming back to the same question: why do we bot still think about each other so much?

[dancingdoc2]

> The thing is that I never found anyone who had what she had and never made me feel what I had with her.

Continue searching. This is the purpose of dating.

> Because we both think this and keep coming back, does this mean that we are right for each other?

Not hardly

> Is this purely obsessional thinking on both of our parts?

Probably. Being familiar with and accepting a known set of circumstances can be more comfortable than fear of the unknown or somehthing different.

> Are we addicted to the dynamics of the relationship that we had.

Most likely. See above.

> Has anyone else had an ex who they just couldn’t forget after a long time?

Yes, me; and, probably many many others, all being human.

> Why does she keep coming back to me and why do I let her? Am I just sad, lonely and desperate to allow someone back into my life that treated me so badly?

Only you can answer this. My question for you is what do you think of yourself? If you are generally pleased with yourself, have good self esteem, and are one with yourself, then you probably would not be ruminating over this and allowing this to be a problem.

> If I could wipe her from my memory I gladly would because I want to be free of her but there seems to be this link and I know it needs to be broken because she will just hurt me over and over again.

One mental exercise you can employ is to force yourself to think about something entirely different when thoughts of her enter your mind. You essentially flood your mind with a different thought. Like Spock's "Mind Meld" on "Star Trek" you can do this on yourself by telling yourself to "forget" and then replacing thoughts of her with something entirely different. It takes some time and effort, yet eventually, you will find that she enters your mind less and less.

> Can anyone help because I just can’t continue to lead my life like this???

Asked and answered. Been there, done that. Good luck.

[Doodlebug]

Wow. I'd drop her like a hot potato personally.

[nursefluffykins]

i think dancingdoc gave a pretty good analysis... although im not sure about the mental aversion therapy.. to force yourself to think about something else when she comes to mind... hey if it works all the better, im just saying i dont htink i could do that, id be more the type to try to figure out why i keep thinking about that person, although you seem to have done that already.. som maybe thinking of something else would work.. ok anyway enough about that...

... yah this relationship does NOT sound healthy AT ALL.. it actually kinda reminds me of a friend of mine whose ex-gf did all sorts of things similar to what you're going thru.. she even had unprotected sex with some random guy and then went back to him.. so my friend contacted the "random" guy (for health reasons) and the guy was like "yah ive had sex with like over 35 women, your girl was just another one"... what a mess, so my friend went for an aids test and the whole kit... (meanwhile, he's like 27 and has only been with 2 girls)
... and after she does that, she has the nerve to spy into my friend's cell phone and delete the phone numbers of all the girls in it! (its like some were business colleagues and family for god sakes)... there are jealousy issues and many other unresolved problems that really dont seem worth it at all... wonderless dude u dont want to be stuck in a situation like that!

....anyway im kind of diverting here, but i guess by my example u can see that you could be headed back into similar troubles... and my friend isnt happy about it either... many a night have we spent having a few beers where i listen to him talk about her... i dont know what it is in that kind of situation, like you, i think he knows on a conscious level that that girl is not healthy for him, but he also says that he hasnt found anyone like that since... not that he's tried hard, but whatever thats his business, we'll see what happens with that in the next little while ...

... i think that yes u will go thru some rough times in the next while, but ultimately u will one day find someone who can treat u with the respect you deserve...
... in the meantime just come and post here to vent Thats what i do lol

Cheers. fluffy.

[wonderless]

Thank you so much for the advice. Theres alot of really good points in there. I was really struck by the point raised by Dancing doc, who suggested that the reason I keep thinking about her is more of a question about how I feel about myself. That point definitely has alot of significance for me. Thanks also to nursefluffykins - I think the example you gave was great.

Thanks everyone

[constantlylearning]

Nursefluffy, in my opinion, made it crystal clear. Why all the jealousy in the first place. Was there a situation that warranted the jealous feelings to be raised?