I Need to Loosen Up...

[Singer12]

My girlfriend and I have been together almost two years and we've had some issues that we've been dealing with for a few months now. I'm 27 and she is 20 and for the most part we have been in a long distance relationship. We are both performers and she is in school while I'm 350 miles away. This past summer we lived together and our sex life started to lose it's spark. Now she really has no interest in having sex with me. It went from a high interest to me getting in and out to now I won't just do that anymore. I want a full, passionate two sided sexual relationship.

She has talked about wanting a more confident lover. It's gotten to the point where I get frustrated really easily when we have sex. If something non-positive happens I blow it out of proportion and I end up making the whole situation worse. She doesn't cum anymore with me. She has a vibrator that she uses on occasion. If I do it's after 2 mins of thrusting cause she tells me to and I don't want that anymore. What are some ways to bring the spark back in?

She's not your typical romantic girly girl. She wants dirty talk and a take charge guy and I'm not that right now. My confidence is shot. I'm more of a sensual lover and that is not a turn-on for her. Are there ways for us to blend our desires? Any suggestions? I would like to be able to loosen up...

[WallyLlama]

A few quick thoughts...

The fact that you don't find it easy or natural to engage in dirty talk and be "take charge" does not equate to her desire for a more confident lover. In your arena and comfort zone, you are confident, I suspect.

Read your own post. You want a full, passionate two-sided sexual relationship.

Sounds like she does not.

If she has no desire to become a more sensual lover, it just ain't gonna happen.

You can't have what you want if you assume full responsibility for the relationship and what happens. You can't make a spark where there is none.

[corkscrew]

agreed. You can't change her, she's only 20, you've been with her since she was 18. She should be out enjoying dating around, and you should be finding a more mature woman, someone that will appreciate your sensual side. You're not happy, she's not happy.

[Singer12]

Well actually she wants a passionate, two-sided relationship as well. We both have talked about this and want things to work out because in every other facet of our relationship we work so well. At this point of my life I don't want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's very frustrating however to have such a wonderful mental connection with someone and to have lost the physical side of it. Like I said I'm not trying to change either one of us but rather trying to find a way to blend our desires and styles to help fit each other's needs. If it's not possible it's not possible and I think we both understand that. We've both talked about not needing to be perfect for each other in bed but we would both like to be satisfied. Does this make sense? If you still stand by your original thoughts I understand that as well...

[wifey]

Originally Posted by Singer12

This past summer we lived together and our sex life started to lose it's spark. Now she really has no interest in having sex with me. It went from a high interest to me getting in and out to now I won't just do that anymore.

this sounds like she's had her "honeymoon" and the novelty of being physical is gone for her. sorry if this sounds harsh.

Originally Posted by Singer12

She has talked about wanting a more confident lover....I'm more of a sensual lover...She wants dirty talk and a take charge guy and I'm not that right now.

sensual can be confident...you are right about your confidence level though...if she is being like: "ok, let's get it over with..." to me it looks like first she doesn't really care about your feelings, gives you sex in the form of charity which is as dirty as she can get!

you can learn about talking naughty to a lover but you'll need her co-operation, perhaps you could ask her what kind of things she'd like to hear from you...it could be sensual things: "oh honey, you make me feel like..." or "right now i feel like giving it to you as hard as i can" etc; or does she want you to be pushy and rip her clothes off saying: "f*** me now you whore"... you really need to get some kind of feedback from her in that department.

i hope you sort it out but if you don't it'll mean that she cannot appreciate what you have to offer..

[Lonewolf*]

Originally Posted by Singer12

We've both talked about not needing to be perfect for each other in bed but we would both like to be satisfied. Does this make sense? If you still stand by your original thoughts I understand that as well...

Could you try it her way sometimes, but really try to get into it? And in return she can do it your way? You might actually get really into doing it her way as well if you know she still cares about your feelings enough to be sensual sometimes. I dont know, it might not work. But at least try, knowing that.. whereas now she doesnt want to be sensual at all, this way, you know that if you are doing it her way one night, pleasing her, that she'll return the favour the next night, or time, pleasing you. That way I think it shows both of you care about the others feelings.

I never use to like the thought of being able to dominate the guy I was with... I liked it the other way around where I was helpless. But my boyfriend prefers to be dominated versus dominating me. Although we've never had sex yet, when we're making out or whatever, we go both ways.

I started liking dominating him, and now the thought is well...
I think...he likes dominating me sometimes lol but I'd have to ask him.

If you dont know what to say, like said above, ask her. Depending on how comfortable you two are talking about that it could be an akward conversation but... it could be well worth it at the same time.

I know I wouldnt know what to say if I was going to try talking dirty. lol

And you are being confident. Confident doesnt mean you have to take charge because if thats not what you like to do, then thats not what you like to do. If you wanted to do it and were too afraid, well then theres a confidence issue. But if you just dont want to because thats not your thing, thats not your turn on, then that has nothing to do with confidence.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by Singer12

Well actually she wants a passionate, two-sided relationship as well. We both have talked about this and want things to work out because in every other facet of our relationship we work so well. At this point of my life I don't want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's very frustrating however to have such a wonderful mental connection with someone and to have lost the physical side of it. Like I said I'm not trying to change either one of us but rather trying to find a way to blend our desires and styles to help fit each other's needs. If it's not possible it's not possible and I think we both understand that. We've both talked about not needing to be perfect for each other in bed but we would both like to be satisfied. Does this make sense? If you still stand by your original thoughts I understand that as well...

I think I'm standing by my original thoughts...

You're not trying to change either one of you... but the reality is you are both going to have to change in order to blend your desires.

By "two sided" I meant that your feelings and desires are equal to hers, not that you each get what you want. I'll leave it to you to figure out the why, but your confidence is destroyed and your frustration is unmanageable. How's hers?

In your original post you said she has no interest in sex with you and they only reason you gave is that you aren't performing (interesting that you are both performers, isn't it?) the way she wants.

I do not buy - for the most part - that your relationship is perfect in every other facet... people are not capable of lives that are that compartmentalized. Problems in one area often reflect unrealized difficulties in other areas.

I've said this before: sex is communication. What are you each communicating?

I also note that you've mentioned the mental and the physical... not the emotional. Do you love each other?

[Singer12]

I was actually using the word mental as a blanket including mental and emotional. I wasn't saying things are pefect in every other facet but we do work very well together. We have a lot in common and we challenge each other as people, workers and we share a very strong emotional connection. We are practically from different generations however (i mean at this stage of our lives anyway) and sometimes that's hard to overcome. Sometimes I feel she's not ready to communicate as you say sexually in a very intimate emotional way.