break

[Lass]

can someone please define to me what it means when two people "go on a break."

do they choose an amount of time to stay on break and then get back together and see how things are? are you allowed to talk to that other person during a break?

can time apart, especially in a LDR, safe the relationship?

[BigKahuna]

Its the same as asking what is cheating... it depends on what the people agree on...

If you want to have terms to the break, make them... if you don't want them, don't make them... there is no right or wrong... just options...

Although i'm guessing there are a few exceptions, I think that the odds are; if you need a break, you should call it quits...

[dancingdoc2]

I completely agree with the above assessment.

> can someone please define to me what it means when two people "go on a break."

When one or the other party in a relationship suggests taking a "break", it usually means that communication has broken down or that wills are getting in the way of compatibility. Taking a break should mean that each individual re-evaluate his/her position and goals or those of the other person. Another aspect of taking a break is that the relationship is moving at the wrong pace--either much too fast for one or the other; or, just the opposite.

> do they choose an amount of time to stay on break and then get back together and see how things are?

One or the other of you can define the parameters to include taking a week, or two or a month. It can also be open-ended. Regardless, in my never to be so humble opinion, "taking a break" really means that communication has broken down or has never existed, and, that objectives and goals are either not the same, or the two approaches are not agreeable.

The need to take a break is a young couples' attempt to solve relationship problems when they have yet to develop the skills to do it in a more mature manner. Often the cause is a selfish need to be right or to assert dominance.

> are you allowed to talk to that other person during a break?

BUT OF COURSE! Most of the time, it is the lack of communication or the ability to problem solve, and negotiate, that brought all this about in the first place.

> can time apart, especially in a LDR, safe the relationship?

The answers are: "Yes", "No", & "Maybe". Building and maintaining a relationship is primarily based upon common goals and interests and objectives. Maintaining a relationship takes effort and planning. A relationship operates on a series of negotiations. For something to change or progress within the relationship, it requires two "yeses". For something not to move forward, takes one "no". The rest as they say is solved through negotiations.** Before you can negotiate, you have to be able to talk and discuss and weigh all the variables. More often than not, young people just want to be right or to assert their will and not really be concerned with what is the best way to proceed overall.

If the two of you want to work on these skills, then do so, together as a team; otherwise, don't waste time taking a break, just end the relationship and move on to the next person in line.

** ("Negotiation" is defined in the dictionary as a conference with another in order to come to terms, or to settle a difference by agreement. In a practical sense, a negotiation is giving the other person the most of what they want without giving up the core of what you want.)

[BigKahuna]

that's a much more optimistic way to put it...

[Lass]

Thank you for your advice.

We're not taking break. We decided to give it a while, work on the lows of our relationship, and actually communicate more and better on how we both feel about the relationship...it was just a case of we didn't talk about certain things that was bothering the both of us.

[MrDinan]

Lass,

I know first hand experience with "LDR" and it is not a good one. I was in a LDR and the problem with that is... while apart, you change. It's not like when you're together and you're changing together; you're changing apart right now. If keeping things on the down low is what you have to result to, I would give serious thought to a 'open relationship' or a break.

I have talked with my friend (who is a certified counselor) about my problem, and it had nothing to do with any of the advice people gave me. Yes I care about her and all that, but when it came down to it.. I did not trust her. Do you trust him? Or do you "trust him, but not the girls he's around?" If that is the case that you posted about earlier, it really boils down to you don't trust him. Why? How can that be? I trust him! No. You do not. A girl can hit on him and all that, but if you trusted him, he would blow her off like nothing.

Also, back to the point, I believe LDR is a relationship killer. I don't know how long he's going to be gone for, or how long it will take. I just know that when I was in a LDR, it lasted 4 months after dating for 5. So the relationship in all lasted 9 months. I'm not saying LDR doesn't work, just it is very difficult. I suggest a break to see what you guys really want and if the relationship is worth keeping.

If you need another story, I have one about a co-worker who is engaged to her fiance going LDR.

[Lass]

We've been a LDR our entire relationship....almost 9 months....and I do trust him. Even around another woman. I know he'd never do anything because he loves me. I still have my fears of if we decide to take the break route if it comes to that but I will deal with those in my own time.

As of now we're working on it and talking. The main problem was seeing each other once a week so I'm trying to make it to at least twice a week...and we both agree that once I move out from under my controlling parents thumbs, things will be better...its just all really complicated.

Thank you all for your advice. I'm still iffy on the boundaries of a break but hey, I can google it, right? lol

[WallyLlama]

I've never understood how "taking a break" from a relationship helps the relationship. Sorta sounds like quitting school so you'll become a better student.

That said, I think there occasions when a "time out" can be very appropriate... usually, however, they are very specific... like agreeing to put the discussion of a certain topic off limits for a mutually agreed period.

[Lass]

Well, after a very long emotional talk, we called a break. He called it, actually, but after much crying and being a bit selfish about it, I realized it's what we really need right now.

Honestly I agree with you WallyLama, about the "taking a break", so I'm looking at it as a "time out".

When I called him back though it was, well, it was like nothing changed. I mean there was some tension while we talked but idk...we laughed, we joked, we made the same sexual remarks, and we even said we loved each other before we hung up. I'm just afraid I'm going to overstep the bounds of a "break" whatever those may be. We said we would still talk and see each other but the break would go for a month. I'm just worried I'm going to call too much or ya know, the same amount.

And are we still dateing? Are we together but not offically gf/bf? Neither of us has been through this before so its kind of both of our concerns.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by Lass

Well, after a very long emotional talk, we called a break. He called it, actually, but after much crying and being a bit selfish about it, I realized it's what we really need right now.

Honestly I agree with you WallyLama, about the "taking a break", so I'm looking at it as a "time out".

When I called him back though it was, well, it was like nothing changed. I mean there was some tension while we talked but idk...we laughed, we joked, we made the same sexual remarks, and we even said we loved each other before we hung up. I'm just afraid I'm going to overstep the bounds of a "break" whatever those may be. We said we would still talk and see each other but the break would go for a month. I'm just worried I'm going to call too much or ya know, the same amount.

And are we still dateing? Are we together but not offically gf/bf? Neither of us has been through this before so its kind of both of our concerns.

If you're going on a "break", then that means one of you is looking for something better. I don't know how it could be anything else.