rut

[Lass]

When my boyfriend and I first met we could talk for 5 hours straight without a single break. Now we've been a LDR (long distance relationship) since the beginning, so talking is a key aspect in our relationship. I know over time we're going to lose interest in some topics that when we first met we found interesting--back then we were trying to learn who the other person was; nowadays we know who the person is.

He loves video games and plays them about 18 hours of the day (when he's not in school or eating, he's playing). He plays them when he's on the phone with me which I admit at first ircked me but over time I've gotten use to it and even like when he plays them and talks to him--shows me that when it comes down to it, I come before the games in coversation...but I don't know. Over the past month or so (we've been dating 7 as of Feb.) we've gotten into a, well, rut. He doesn't think its a rut but I have no other way to describe it...we can sit on the phone for an hour and half and honestly, probably only talk for a total of 50 minutes of that time...it's like we don't have anything to say to each other anymore and I don't want the communication part of our relationship to die...he's agreed to back off the games for a while, as I've promised to not get preoccupied with the computer or TV while on the phone with him, and taking about 30 to 45 minutes at the end of each night to just talk--no distractions, nothing.

I've felt like we were in a rut before (didn't voice my opinon then) but I don't know...we just kind of came out of that...so I was wondering if anyone knew of somethings we could do to get out of it...I've always looked at a rut as a bad thing but my guy told me no, he looks at it as a way to strengthen the weak points of our relationship....so does anyone have any advice or just some things we could do to restrengthen the communication?

[WallyLlama]

Part of a maturing relationship is being able to have comfortable silence.

Multitasking isn't necessary a bad thing... we joke about it a lot, but we also know when it's time to focus and each can ask for that if they want.

That said... I'd have to say that 18 hours a day playing computer games seems a bit excessive to put it mildly. If that's true, the only topic of conversation available is computer games!

I'd also say that you want to be careful that you don't define the quality of communication by the amount. Sometimes there really isn't something to talk about. My LDR is a year and we laugh over the fact that we still hardly ever shut up... we can be on the phone for an hour and a half, hang up, and want to call each other again. Half the time I'm not sure I can remember what we talk about, it's just about sharing... how we feel, what we think, what happened at work...

One conversation you might have is simply to list the topics you want to discuss.

By the way the people you are is changing... every day. What happened today that made you a different person?

Might be a bit assumptive, but it sounds like you both could use some "stimulation" and varied experiences as communication fodder.

[dancingdoc2]

Wally's last sentence is right on point. Like sex, people want to know when you're doing it to much to which the answer is--when it interferes with work, play, running a household, socializing, or daily obligations.

From your description, he more than you, yet both of you need to get a life having varied interests and to learn moderation.

Hanging on the phone "foreever" even through silence is being "clingy" and needy. Perhaps in the early stages of a relationship this is OK and to be expected, yet as the relationship matures and ages, this almost seems like a distraction and a waste of time. Say what you have to say and get off the phone. Absense, as they say, makes the heart grow fonder.

In my never to be so humble opinion, it is inconsiderate to be doing something else when talking to people. It's not unlike having a face to face conversation with a person when the other individual doesn't look at you or looks around all the time and does not focus on you by giving you regular eye contact.

I know a family in which the man has a good job, three grown children and no home life because every waking hour he is off work he is in front of his computer playing some sort of game. His wife and others are resigned to the fact that he has what amounts to an adiction and just go on with their day as if he is not even there. He isn't plugged in and is therefore really absent. Your description of his activities is cause to worry about what he finds important and challenging in life. I'd be concerned about this if I were you.

[Lass]

Thank you both.

Perhaps I exaggerated on the hours of a day--although it does seem like it--he's an only child (only half siblings) and after coming home from practive around 5-5:30 eats and then plays. He plays until about 7:30 when I call and we watch jeopardy together and then I usually let him go for about an hour or so of free time (I do have chores and my own hobbies).

So in all...5 or 6 hours of the day, although I have known him to sit on a weekend and play none stop.

I'm a bit confused with the whole "stimulation" remark. I'm not quit sure what you mean.


And, see, that's the strange thing about this...when we hang up I do have the impulse to call him right back and whenever I've talked to him about this emotion he said he as well gets it sometimes. Like even if there is nothing to say we won't to know the other person is on the line with us. I doubt that's healthy.

I do believe absense makes the heart grow fonder, but what do you do when all you want is to hear that voice every day?

[wifey]

i get that a lot as well, whereas my boyfriend is more like: "we'll see each other soon and then talk..." which really gets to me bacause it's not like i don't have anything to do, i do... talking to him is just a little break i get from my chores etc. but he finds it hard to understand, so i have to control my impulses and keep track of my phonecalls to him. i do notice that he is used to me making a contact and when i don't he rings me "what's up? what's wrong? haven't heard from you...etc."

[Lass]

Yeah, I do most of the calling but only because my parents are, well, not kind parents and if the phones rings they go off.

And that's how I look at our calls...as a little break from my day, ya know?

[WallyLlama]

The "stimulation" remark is/was a suggestion that you both need things happening in your lives that give you (stimulate) conversation... unless of course you simply want to listen to each other breath. (Done that, but not for very long. LOL) Or you could discuss his latest score on the computer games...

There are lots of potential reasons to want to call someone and none are invalid as such. If you look at this thread closely you'll see at least a few:

1. To communicate and share what's going on in your lives.
2. To hear the other's voice - sometimes just for the assurance and pleasure.
3. To take a break or escape from something unpleasant (not wrong, but recognize it for what it is).

I do think an LDR creates different needs - a certain amount of whining and long goodbyes will happen. A certain amount of just "wanting to hang" together is also normal... the unhealty part is if all you are doing is hanging... just listening to each other breathe... not really talking about anything...