Questions

[MrDinan]

Hello all! I've been reading this forum for a great many months now (only rarely do I decide I need help) and it's been great! Here's my problem.

I think I have serious, SERIOUS issues. It seems that whatever I love and cherish, I tend to want to hold onto it. For example, one of my best friends, she's a good girl and I want to always have her as a friend; I'd be torn if that person was taken from me. I try to tell her smoking is bad and blah blah the whole 9; I act protective over her. Second example, my girlfriend. I was very down-to-earth for the first 6-8 months of our relationship, didn't care about what she did. Now that I realize it's serious and that I love her, I seem to be protective over a lot of things, and it's quite frustrating to not only her, but to me as well.

She will want to go do something, like smoke a flavored tobacco, and I will refuse to let her (I've had many bad experiences with friends and smoking--I don't want her to be harmed). That is just one of my main things. She seems to be a tad more experimental than I am; as I love a good rush as well. The question is, why do I keep being bothered by even the smallest, stupidest things? Today she is taking a nap in her friend's dorm (guy with a g/f) and yet I'm bothered by it. The list goes on.

I try my hardest to not care about the things she does, but for some reason they come back to me. Whenever she is with me, I have no care in the world, but when she's apart from me.. it's like AHH. Insecurity issue? Overprotective issue? I'm not sure, but am thinking about seeking professional help. I've been with her for 1year and 2 months now, and I want to stop this behavior! It's not only driving her insane, but me as well. I want to be with her and have her in my life, but I'm not sure what it is? If anything, she is always the one who is less sure about the relationship (because we are both young--20 & 18), but always believes that I know what's best for her.

Can someone help me please? I hope I've addressed the issue well enough.

[LittleFury]

Then you care for a person, even smallest things will worry you. Like me, I worry if he is 5 minutes late coming from work, becuase he's on a bike, while I drive 4 times more each day than he does. MAybe every time you start getting bothered, take your heart out of it and think through things logically. Btw, about smoking. My guy used to smoke. He quit becuase he knew how much it bothered me, since my grandpa died few months earlier from lung cancer. Cigarretes are horrible. Marlboro are some of the worst that there is, they add stuff to make it worse. Flavored tobacco, in a pipe, is a lot more harmless than those cancer sticks. If she smokes it from time to time, not often, let her be. And btw, dictating what she can or cannot do will be more likely to break you up than lung cancer would in this case. Women do not like to be controlled.

[MrDinan]

Thanks Fury But actually I do let her do whatever, just she has this thing where she can always tell that I'm bothered by it. The only case-scenarios where I actually tell her to not do something is: Don't cheat::don't smoke. That's all the dictacting I do. I would like to hear some other opinions on this, because she doesn't do this to me at all. I wonder if sometimes she gets jealous of the things I do, since she never ever shows a sign of jealousy except the tiny bit I can hear in her voice.

Thanks for your input.. I'd like to hear more on my "possible" issue

Edit: Also was wondering if I have any trust issues? My mind tends to wander no matter if I'm alone. Is that normal? If she is out with friends (who are only guys btw), is it crazy that I think these stupid thoughts even though they are not really happening? I think about everything in depth, and I'm psycho I swear. I need help lol

[The1stTriSexual]

I dont know what the circumstances are, but my gf sleeping over at a male friends dorm room would be a big NO NO. It's not about not trusting her, its about not trusting him and realizing that hormones are powerful. I wouldn't like the only having male friends thing either...

[Lass]

Yeah, I'm with The1stTriSexual on that one....my guy spends the night with ANYONE of the opposite sex, and Lord have mercy on that man's soul.

I have a saying with my boyfriend. "It's not that I don't trust you babe, I just don't try the rest of the big tit women in the world--or any woman for that matter."

And for my own advice...I worry abou my guy 24/7. We're in a LDR but it's still the same. When he says he's going out with friends there's a voice in the back of my mind saying, "is it really his guy friends?" My reasoning for that is a very bad past relationship...so my question to you is have you had a bad relationship before in which the girl cheated on you? Perhaps you still have unresolved issues with that and that's what's creeping into your relationship as being too overprotective.

[Horizon]

i've never been cheated on but i still hate it when my guy spends nights sleeping somewhere with other girls unless im there. but i cant really say much since i spend time/nights with my male friends alone. (not nothing happens. nothing ever would)

[Friden]

It is normal...as far as I know or so I hope at least because im experiencing a lot of the same things. My girlfriend used to smoke and keeps making jokes about starting up again because she thinks it made her do better in school. I myself have not smoked anything before nor do I plan to. I dont care if anyone else does it BUT her. Shes also very curious when it comes to trying new things. She wanted to try E and just hearing that scares the crap out of me ya know? You dont know what that can do to you nor do you know what has happened to it before it has reached you. Just thinking about it scares/pisses me off because she really wants to try it and maybe she will and never tell me because she knows im against it.
You may have trust issues...could either be with her or her guy friends. Even both I guess. I trust my girlfriend with my life but when shes with some guy friends I do get jealous. I know nothing is going to happen but like yourself I think of everything in depth. I think the worse possible scenarios sometimes and what the after-effects will be. Its weird. I wish I never thought about these things but I cant help it. Im quite overprotective of her.
If we were talking online and it took her a while to reply back to me...I would start to wonder what shes doing or who shes talking to. I wont say anything because I dont want to make it seem like I have to know everything shes doing at all times. I dont think she would like me being clingy.
As for sleeping in a guys dorm or at a guys house without me there...I would get pissed off. I guess it comes back to trust. Could be issues with her or the guys. You dont know what the guys will do to her, or even if they think it. Something you cant find out unless you can read peoples minds. :P

[Lonewolf*]

Make sure she really knows how you feel about it Friden, if she respects and loves you then I would hope she would put her want to try E aside. Why does she want to try that stuff anyways? It fully messes you up.

I think of the negative outcomes of everything too, drives me insane. But you kind of just have to learn to put it all aside. I always feel guilty when I get jealous because I know nothing is going to happen but even then, cant help it.

I like the fact that my boyfriends protective of me. I dont think you have to worry about being clingy unless you're trying to occupy every second of her day. Wanting to be with her 24/7 and actually doing it are two different things. Everyone does need their own space sometimes, and both partners have to allow each other the room they need/want.

My one friend was too clingy, she literally wouldnt let go of her ex. Like if I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and my friends are there, yes I love standing with him, holding him, him holding me etc. But if I want to leave to do something with like another friend, I would hope he would let me. I love to playfight, but I've noticed I actually dont do that that much in front of him. For some reason I cant/dont want to when hes there. No hes not stopping me, its just weird.

Its like, okay, example time, theres three people. My boyfriend, me and another girl friend. So shes a third wheel. Well I'll hold my boyfriends hand, maybe. But chances are more likely (unless I'm too tired to be hyper) that I'd link arms with her because I hate being a third wheel and wouldnt want to make her feel akward. (If the third wheel was a guy, I wouldnt care as much) I'm just saying that, he would have to know that I'm going to go off with the girl. And I think I told him that before. lol its like when we had to go somewhere the other night, it was my boyfriend, me, my girl friend and her ex. Well I wasnt going to put her in the backseat with her ex who would probably make a joke that would insult her. So, kicked my boyfriend out of his usual position in passenger seat. Not trying to be mean to him, just taking care of my friend.

I would understand my boyfriend hating me sleeping at a guys friends house without him, and it doesnt happen often. Actually since we started going out I dont think its happened once where he hasnt been there now that I think about it. Either way, I would think he would respect me enough that if I was to go over to my guy friends place and stay the night that he wouldnt get angry at me. Jealousy? Understandable because its natural to be jealous, its natural to be protective.

Although... chances are if I already lied to my parents and went to a 'girls house' to stay the night, ie. a guys house, I highly doubt I would go somewhere my boyfriend isnt since I'd rather spend the night in his arms then anywhere else. *suddenly really really misses him even though hes on msn right now*

[MrDinan]

Thanks guys for all your responses! Perhaps I wasn't clear, she was only napping at her friend's dorm for a few hours.

Yes I have addressed the issue with her.. I trust her, but as for her guy friends.. I trust maybe one out of the many guy friends she actually has. I hate feeling this way because I want her to have a good and funloving youth. It makes me feel like crap when I get angry because she is doing things I don't like.

Secondly, I've tried to let her free and have her own freedom (let her have time away from me) because I don't want to be the one who holds her back. She refused my offer.

We had a talk last night and we're going to try and work really hard on it. There's never been a problem we couldn't work out. I used to have many many girl friends, but they seem to have fallen out of my life. If the situation was reversed, and I was the ony with many current girl friends, would she be the same? She seems to be very down-to-earth with whatever I do, but sometimes I think she is jealous and is hiding it.. I dunno?

Anyways, I really appreciate all the help; it definately makes me feel like I'm not a psycho-path. I've always thought ones who love you will not or try not to do things that botther you. Now, I've talked to her about it and she does actually try not to do things I dislike, but she is obvlivious to many things because of how open her personality is. I, on the other hand, am aware of every negative thing that I could do that would impact her, it's just how am I am (damn aquarius!!-- read up on that stuff it's crazy). So I hope it's not the love issue that continues to make her do things I don't like, since almost every time she does things I don't like, it's a new and small thing.

Thanks !