is he or isnt he?

[Lass]

A few nights ago I was talking to one of my bf's good friends online while talking to my bf on the phone...my bf wanted to test just how good of a friend his friend was to him and asked me to start hitting on the friend. I did and he turned out to be a great friend, though he did admit if it weren't for my bf he'd date me. I then told him why I had done it and he was upset but said it was okay.

Tonight while talking to him he told me that he was out last night with one of my bf's ex gf's who goes to school with him (we're in a long distance relatioinship) and she had told him that my bf was talking to someone else.

I trust my guy. I love him and I know he loves me...but I've been hurt in the past and idk, there's a tiny voice in my head telling me not to just overlook it, I could get hurt. But I love him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him (as of this post)...but do you think it could just be his friend getting me back for what I did to him?

But what reason would his ex have to say that out of the blue?

I love this man with my heart and soul and trust him with my life...but I don't want to get hurt.

[ShadowLynnParker]

Just go through life loving. If that love turns sour then so be it. Move on when it happens and never look back. it will be his loss not yours. If he knows he made a mistake then thats good for the guy. Move on if and when this happens. Like a child, if he knows he can get away with something he will try this again.

[Kimi]

You said that your bf's friend told you he'd date you if it weren't for your boyfriend. Perhaps he is using this as a wedge to get between you and your man. I don't know if I'd confront your boyfriend just yet....god knows I've had some experience in confrontation lately and it seems no matter how diplomatic you try to be, the men percieve it as accusation.

Situations like this are always tricky because no matter what route you take, you won't know until there is proof. Just keep your eyes open without being overly suspicious and watch for things like withdrawl from your boyfriend. Chances are that even if he was casually talking to someone else, it will pass and everything will be better.

[Lass]

Well here comes the jucy stuff...I talked to his ex girlfriend, the person who told his other friend about him talking to another girl. She told me she had seen him in the hallway hugging--and not in a churchly manner--and kissing a girl on the neck.

My first emotion was my heart sank and felt like it was being ripped out of me. And then I woried...and then I questioned...I even asked my bofyriend...he said no...and now, in this moment, I believe him.

ShadowLynn you're right, I have to love here and now. But I've been burnt by love before. For 4 years I trusted a man without question no matter what anyone told me and in the end my heart and my trust was warped....and what made it worse was i trusted this man above all others. So in my now almost 7 month relationship I fear that if I truly trust without regard like I did with this other guy, the axe will fall and my heart won't recover because I've given myself to this guy in so many ways...told him things I've never even breathed out loud to myself...and it scared me. I'm afraid.

But I love him...I trust him...he cried with me the other night on the phone. When I'm depressed he stays on to comfort me...he sings to me every night...

Is that a cheating man?

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by Lass

A few nights ago I was talking to one of my bf's good friends online while talking to my bf on the phone...my bf wanted to test just how good of a friend his friend was to him and asked me to start hitting on the friend. I did and he turned out to be a great friend, though he did admit if it weren't for my bf he'd date me. I then told him why I had done it and he was upset but said it was okay.

Tonight while talking to him he told me that he was out last night with one of my bf's ex gf's who goes to school with him (we're in a long distance relatioinship) and she had told him that my bf was talking to someone else.

I trust my guy. I love him and I know he loves me...but I've been hurt in the past and idk, there's a tiny voice in my head telling me not to just overlook it, I could get hurt. But I love him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him (as of this post)...but do you think it could just be his friend getting me back for what I did to him?

But what reason would his ex have to say that out of the blue?

I love this man with my heart and soul and trust him with my life...but I don't want to get hurt.

This is the guy you want to "give" a threesome?

Not trying to be smart about it, but... I'd suggest you re-think that strategy, because there's no way your relationship will survive it.

[The1stTriSexual]

"But I love him...I trust him...he cried with me the other night on the phone. When I'm depressed he stays on to comfort me...he sings to me every night...

Is that a cheating man?"


As a guy myself, ..it really doesn't matter what we say. If you blindly put faith in someone just because they say they love you, you're going to get hurt. Trust needs to be earned in a relationship, he needs to show you that he can be trusted, just as you need to show him.

[Lass]

Wallylama....yeah. That wsa the reason he was crying that night...a few months ago to get past my quirck of touching a woman I experimented with a girl friend of mine (my guy knew about it in advanced and okayed it). But the fact she got to sleep in the bed next to me upset him because we really want to just fall asleep next to each other. This is why he cried. But yes...the threesome is outta here.

"As a guy myself, ..it really doesn't matter what we say. If you blindly put faith in someone just because they say they love you, you're going to get hurt. Trust needs to be earned in a relationship, he needs to show you that he can be trusted, just as you need to show him."

Its not because of love that I'm trust him blindly...its because I trust him. He's never given me a reason to think he was cheating in the past...and its like I told the ex. Until I see polaroid proof of it, I won't believe it. It's not the trust. It's the THOUGHT of it (I'm a writer and there for have quite the vivid imagination and I always think the worst of every scenario) that sends me curning in anger toward her.

The question is, do I tell him that as his girlfriend, I feel threatened by her?

[WallyLlama]

I worked for a guy years ago that I really didn't like much, but he said something interesting over and over. "It's the people you trust that will steal from you."

I'm not sure that exactly applies, but blind trust is not necessarily an indication of a healthy relationship. It may actually be the opposite.

Trust makes it about rules and proof (as in your polaroid) when "faithfulness" shouldn't be based on rules. It sounds like there is tons of insecurity in your relationship on both sides. It's like you are sparring with each other, testing each other, measuring each, and trying to prove things to each other.

Won't work, not in the long run.

You need to talk about what you need from yourselves and each other to make the relationship work... today, tomorrow, the next day. A few days ago you were trying to figure out how to eliminate jealousy so you could have a threesome... now you're feeling threatened...

Yup. You need to tell him that and you both need to discuss a whole lot more.

[Lass]

I don't see how I have blind trust in him.

I understand what blind trust is...I myself have lectured friends in having blind trust in their relationships...but that's not the trust I have with him.

Do I believe one day it could happen? yes. I've learnt from a past relationship to never put the rose colored glasses on and to not expect something to happen....because that something may happen. You never know. All you can do is live and love for as long as you're allowed.

I trust him...when I was told what was seen yes, my frist emotion was hurt, and then anger, and then I went numb and realized I shouldn't overreact until I talk it over with him. I shouldn't jump to conclusions just because someone I've konwn for 15 minutes says something horriable about a person I've built a steady foundation wih for 8 months. We talked about it last night and he told me if his friend mistook what she saw he was sorry...that it really was only a hug and I believe him. Not because I have to because I love or because I'm afraid to question him, because I know I have that right as the girlfriend. I trust him because I trust him.

As for feeling threatend...perhaps I put that in the wrong words. We have a long distance relationship...it's not easy and no long distance relationship is. IT has its ups and downs.

As for the insecurities...I have them as a woman. Not as many as before this relationship but I still have some, and there are those days when I don't feel beautiful or sexy or confident in myself. As for insecurities in our relationship itself...how do you mean?

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by Lass

As for insecurities in our relationship itself...how do you mean?

I'm simply reading what you post.

A few days ago you were worried that if you didn't give him a threesome he would cheat on you. (To say that and then say you "trust him completely" is simply not logical.)

In this thread you describe some game you both played to test a friend's loyalty... what was the point of that?

You got upset over something an ex-girlfriend said... a hug created the need to talk and work out an issue... (saying you now realize it was nothing does not negate your initial reaction).

Sorry, but these are not signs of security.

It sounds like you are often saying two contradictory things as if you believe you are supposed to trust him 100% and want to convince yourself that you do but you really don't but you know you should... but you don't want to wear rose-colored glasses...

A long distance relationship IS hard, I know that better than you might realize.

My point is, in part, don't set a standard for yourself and the relationship that simply is unrealistic given all the circumstances. From some of the things that have happened, it just seems to me that both you and your bf have some insecurities about yourselves and your relationship. That is not wrong. Relationships have to be built and relationships require vulnerability.

When you love someone you make yourself vulnerable. Relationship trust is not about whether or not one of you hugs somebody else. One of the hazards in a long distance relationship is that you get focused on what you can see and you can't see that much. At some point it's about trusting love, not trusting each other.