does he love me or he's staying out of pity?

[cheesecake]

Hi, this is my first post, I have this problem with my bf, I will make it as short as i can, any advices or comments welcome. thanks
so i have been with this guy for about 3 years. we live about 2 hours drive away, so we hardly see each other, so we keep the relationship going by phone and playing different games together online. lately we been having a lot of problems mainly because i'm not happy with the way he acted, he spends so much time on games, with his family and not with me and i have a new job, my schedule had change a bit, we stopped having phone sex because he said he's tired, his "thing" is not feeling well, we hardly talk on the phone anymore, so then i broke it off with him, and he havent try calling or anything, but i cant stand not having him in my life, its been about 2 months and i didnt hear a word from him, so i finally called and said that i want him back and that i cant stand it when he's not in my life, then i heard his story, he said he's not feeling the same anymore, he said he still loves me very much but he just don't like talking to me as much as before, and he don't feel the same way like he used to when we first started. so now what happens is that we are still together, we had a nice long talk and we laughed, we made jokes, we tell each other how much we love each other. but what my problem is that does he still really love me? or is he staying together with me just out of pity, because i was crying and i was telling him i want to break up, but i just can't leave him, and when i imagine the rest of my life without him, i panicked, thats when i decided to call him, during the 2 months, i keep on telling myself to move on and forget, but it's just so hard to do. and after i told him all that, he said he cant ever find a girl that will love him as much as i do, and that we can stay together. my problem is i don't know if he loves me anymore, and what should I do? should i have a little dignity and break up with him? because he clearly said he don't feel the same anymore, he dont like talking to me anymore, so why are we still together? and how should i act around him now? should i just pretend like he didnt say any of those hurtful words? should i just stay with him, i told myself that i'm going to change the way of how i acted around him, because in the past, i always complain about his little faults and i kept on wanting to change him, so now what i'm doing to save this relationship is to change my ways, to just let him be whoever, and not impose any high expectations on him, even after i changed myself and we just keep on going like this, but will he eventually get tired of me? what he said really hurt me, he said, he loves me but he don't feel like talking to my all the time... what does that mean?

i'm sorry for such a long post and thank yous to those we read on, any comments or advises are appreciated. thank you all

[anti-hero]

Hey cheesecake... sorry to hear about your dillemma. I would say it sounds like the main issue you have to deal with is your underlying fear that you are never going to find someone that is good enough to treat you how you want to be treated. If so, then that's an issue of self-worth and hence, settling for the bird in hand so to speak. Additionally, your lines of communication are virtually closed because he doesn't enjoy talking to you much anymore. This is a downward spiral cuz you're hoping he'll revert to something he admittedly says he no longer feels.

On the other hand, maybe there's an issue you two have had that is as yet unresolved. Could be weight-gain, loss of your single *I'm-so-sexy* swagger, loss of the thrill of the chase etc. But the only way to know is for him to tell you on his own time. You can speed that up by asking him to be honest with you but: (1) you must be strong enough to accept that it may not be what you want to hear (2) you must get everything off of your chest as well without raising your voice or complaining so that you don't have to bring this up again (3) you must state that you only have the want what's best for the both of you: whether it means being single or not.

Hope this helps

[cheesecake]

thank you antihero for replying, we had another talk last night, and i asked him about it and we talked. he seems to be alright with the way things are going right now, i said we should make arrangements, and i said i will be online whenever u need me and if u don't aim me first, iwont bother you, and since u don't feel liek talking to me at times, i will just stop calling you, if u want to talk, then call. and he said it don't seem fair because he knows how i want to talk to him before sleep every night. it seems like the relationship is totally reversed, back then he's usually the one to chase after me, said sorry and want me back whenever we have a fight. now i'm being passive and just let him do whatever. i have sunk to this low for a guy, i feel like he's just pitying me, but then on the other hand, he still keeps on saying he loves me, so i'm confused, i don't what guys are thinking, ughhh, and i have no idea what i should do now? it kills me to let him go, but i also don't like the way things are going, because after he said he just doesnt feel like talking to me as much as before, but he still loves me... it jsut changes everything. i'm no longer sure he loves me and i don't know whats going to happen to us. and since that talk and since getting back together, i been very careful not to touch that issue, and we just talk about other things, in a way i just don't want to get into it.. i don't want him to tell me that he is staying outof pity...

sorry for such a long post again, i don't know where else to turn, i cant tell my friends about this because they been against my "long distance" relationship from teh beginning, and i just don't want them to tell me i tell you so...

thank you all for any feedbacks <3

[Jm33]

well the first thing i would worry about is the fact that you have been with him for 3 years. People change and although you love each other, he may not be IN love with you. He will always love you and you will always love him, but he may not want what you have had with him for 3 years anymore. That doesn't mean he doesnt love you any less, it just means he wants to move on. You letting him get his way on this is proving to him that he can have his cake and eat it too. You need to tell him to make a decision, that if he loves you and still wants to be with you then he can't be feeling the way he is feeling, about not wanting to talk to u. By you saying ok, that's cool, we can still be together because it hurts to bad not to be together, but you don't ever have to talk to me if you don't want to, i understand, ill just hang out and let you do whatever...

I mean, you are stooping down low for a guy. And yes breakups hurt, but you get over it and find another guy and you have fun and you live life.

So for your answer: yes i think he is staying with you out of pity, and I feel sorry for you too if you stay with him. Look at it this way if one of your friends was in your same exact situation,how would you tell them to go about it?

[anti-hero]

Absolutely... I agree with the last comment. I honestly think that you're not the problem here (and this is coming from a guy). You're sounding weary from trying to exert the energy for two people. Relationships are a two way street and given that he's not communicating verbally, emotionally or physically (given the long distance), you're fighting a losing battle.

I know he doesn't mean to feel the way he does and that he probably means it when he tells you he loves you. On the other hand, he's telling you that he can't put out the energy to spice up the relationship to be in love with you. From personal experience in a long-term relationship that had the "after-honeymoon" loss of passion and then having rekindled it in the last few months, it's a lot of work and both have to be doubly committed to each other.

I agree with the last comment - he can't have his cake and eat it too. You have to put your foot down and give him the ultimatum. Otherwise there's a world of hurt ahead of you.

[Rosie]

Hi Cheescake....

I agree with the two comments above and it is hard to move on, but you have to find your own identity and your own life before you can share with someone else, thats what i believe, because then you are your own person irrespective of whether you are or are not WITH someone else! unlike only being a person when you are WITH them. and to me it seems you see your life as dependant on him! and even though you are working away, dont you feel like you are so dependant on him?? what got me was when u said he said "he cant ever find a girl that will love him as much as i do". doesnt that make you feel like he is just settling for what he can get? dont u want someone who is totally devoted to you!? and putting just as much love into the rleationship as you are! you have to realise you DONT need him, find yourself first and then contimplate the possiability of a relationship!
take care, sorry the reply is a bit late.

[cheesecake]

thank you all so much for reply

the last few days have been hard, i keep on pretending that things are alright, but last night i finally confronted him and then we had a 2 hour talk about this whole situation, i really don't know what guys are thinking. he said that he does love me so very much, and then i asked him to explain the part about what he said about not feeling the same, not wanting to talk, then he said well don't you feel like not wanting to talk to me sometimes? and he said that changes from time to time, like now we are back together after a month long break, and he said he do want to talk to me. i'm just all very confused because it just seems like he's contradicting himself saying one thing then another. this guy is sweet, funny and hes sensitive, i really do love him but i really don't need a guy to stay with me because he feels bad for me. he kept on reassuring me that he loves me for me, not just pitying me, and he said if he is pitying me, he wouldnt spend so much time with me on the phone, he would just do the minimum and not care abotu how i was feeling...
sorry for the long post again, i just need to get it off my chest
thanks again for all the replies.