Help!

[hookedemin06]

I posted this in another forum, but I really think it's probably better suited here.

Okay, I'm at a bit of a loss here. I've been married to the most wonderful man for 7 years now. The sex has been horrific for 6.5 of the last 7 years. When we were dating, I knew he was small (3.5 in erect), okay reaalllly small, but it was new love and everything else was so perfect. We also spent a fair bit of time early on in the relationship drinking socially (he's Australian - it's a national pasttime:-), so a lot of the timing and technique problems that would have been red flags weren't really all that noticeable. What I have now is a husband with a really (do I need to say it again...reeeaaallly) small penis, a serious timing problem (I can literally count to 5, we're talking 2 thrusts, 4 max, and all the skills of your average 16 year old. I do not know what to do. I love my husband dearly, wouldn't ever think about leaving him. Cheating is not really an option. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone out there faced with something similar? I've thought about a sex therapist, because I really do think that there can be some happiness if the timing and technique issues are taken care of (because well, anatomy is anatomy and there's nothing that can be done about that). Has anyone ever been to a therapist? Would they be helpful in this kind of situation? I've tried teaching, we've tried books, nothing has worked.

[WallyLlama]

Can't comment knowledgeably about the idea of a therapist, but it would seem a logical step, as long as you share in the decision and he's willing and interested.

There were some threads on this site about the difference between "making love" and "having sex" and I'd encourage you to look for them. I would offer that sometimes that connection isn't as obvious as we might hope. Sex requires some techinque, love is about communicating.

That said, you might try de-emphasizing techique and education... have an occasional "let's see how good we can make each other feel" session that doesn't necessarily have to involve sex!

Another caution is that you may be unconciously communicating your disappointment to hubby and that will de-motivate very quickly. It becomes a vicious cycle quickly... you think he's like a sixteen year old, why should he act any differently? Not accusing, just offering some thoughts.

Mix it up, seek the pleasure, make love.

Looking for a therapist is probably not a bad idea either.

[anti-hero]

I definitely agree with the last comment. Just that men are extremely sensitive and you shoud be applauded for taking up the situation very discreetly. Now he more than likely knows about his size already so it could be that he really fears sex and won't change because it's a scary chore that he knows he's not good at. That's the major pysche eval for premature ejaculators - anxiety.

It sounds like he cares about you as much as you do him so he'll care what you think. So the spice-it-up version works best. Open up the modes of communication: tell him how sexy he is and how attracted to him you are. Naturally I think with sex troubles we tend to isolate ourselves from our partner. He'll get the message once you start pulling out the sexual techniques book after 7 years. Hell, he may even enjoy it! If not then at least you made the effort, his ego is still in tact cuz you compliment him, and you can go to a sex therapist knowing you did as much as you can.

Good Luck