7 Year Relationship

[Smileyface519]

So here's the biggest issue of my life in a nutshell. I've been dating this guy for almost 7 years. We met through mutual friends back in high school. We went away to different colleges and had lived another year apart in different states. We've been through a lot and finally this past year, we both ended up coming back home to live. I was so excited to finally be together but my boyfriend didn't want to move in with me (which I did). He wanted to get his own apartment which I had an extremely hard time understanding. We began fighting all the time, and always questioning eachothers feelings. He had recently started a new job (since graduating, his career) and it was taking up a lot of time and outside of work he spent a lot of time with coworkers. I was having a hard time for the fact that I was expecting him to spend more time with me since we were living less than 5 minutes away from eachother. What ended up happening was that I felt like I was constantly telling him that I wasn't seeing him enough. Things continued to get worse and I was as open with him as ever telling him exactly how I was feeling. I was getting very little responses back. Through all of this, I continued to love him and decided that our relationship was too unhealthy to keep. We both decided that to take a break from eachother would be the best thing for both of us, hopefully helping our relationship. It's only been 2 weeks since the split but it seems so much longer for me. Well, he had called me on New Year's Eve (1 week after the split) to wish me a Happy New Year. We seen eachother already 2 times since the split. We both have been very honest with our feelings and both hope to be back together soon. It's a strange feeling knowing that we both want to be back together but know that nothing has been fixed in 2 weeks and knowing that we can't get back together yet. I feel so much stress about this all. I love him more than anything and I know he feels the same about me, but sometimes love just isn't enough. We both talked about how we didn't put as much effort into the relationsip when we were finally living closer because we were not used to doing that, after being away for so long. A lot of factors went into our split up, but I just want advice on what I should do now. I am so confused and scared if I am doing the right thing. We both felt we should do this before we end up married and divorced. Friends and family tell me that I need to see other people to really know what I want. Sometimes I agree with them and sometimes I don't. I know that I love him and I know that I always will no matter what happens between us. I just spent the last 7 years imagining, planning and expecting a future with him. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that out and I could really use some advice.

[WallyLlama]

Personally, I've never quite understood breaking up to improve a relationship. That said:

Feelings are important, but very hard to discuss and even more difficult to cope with. That could be why you don't feel much progress.

Feelings are created by what happens and how we view (think about) what happens. It sounds like you need to go back to the different apartment issue and sort out some of the details of that... what that means to each of you, how you feel about it, etc. Part of what MIGHT be happening is that you may be interpreting everything in light of that decision and looking for evidence that you are not as "together" as you "imagine, plan, expect."

Talk about what you are doing and what you need each other to do... for example... what exactly is "more time?"

[dancingdoc2]

Oh, yes, I definitely agree.

The two of you do not appear to be on the same page or even the same chapter of life. You are expecting a fruition of an idea or vision, whereas he is just trying to go one step at a time and to start a career while establishing a home and new life so that his vision(s) can have a firm footing.

I believe he has the right idea about having separate residences. Movng in together this soon is an idea although not a practical one for long term success. I believe you need to slow down, gain some perspecive and allow the boy to build a good foundation for your proposed llife together.

The advice given by family and friends is good. The two of you should sample more of what humanity has to offer in the way of potential partners. I recommend continuing to date each other and to also date others for the time being. If this match is to be then dating others will prove it to both of you while at the same time giving each of you broader insight into what characteristics and quirks and motivations are important.

Your boyfriend also needs time alone to just experience being an autonomous adult. If this means spending time with hobbies or with friends then as part of his maturiing process, these are good things. In your defense, though, perhaps he can be persuaded to balance his activity calendar better so that you get more time with him.

Communication is the key to a great relationship. There is an art to fighting or arguing and it is not about being right. Calmly discuss issues and negotiate so that you give each other the most of what they want. If you give to him and he gives to you then neither of you will feel cornered, slighted, or needing to "take" in order to get. Your partnership requires two "yeses" for something to happen and one "no" for something not to. For that to possibly change, the two of you also need to discuss and negotiate.

Speaking of calendars, perhaps a good idea for the two of you to do is to discuss any future plans the two of you have and to cull them down into a mutual goal. If he wants a life with you then learn what his timeline is and what goals he has and what matters must be started or completed in order for him to concentrate more fully on "us". I believe that once you learn what his position is with respect to the two of you for the present, your future will seem less tenuous and uncertain. You also need to make the dreams of the past seven years less fantasy and more realistic and practical. Moving in together is not prudent, although establishing a joint savings account is.

I recommend that the two of you each set aside some money to go into a joint savings account or longterm fund of some type. This is one very practical and prudent way to move the relationship forward and solidly.

I hope these ideas are of help. Good luck.
Got questions?

[Brandye]

In Scotland, we speak of the "seven year itch." Old wives tale? Reflect reality? It does seem that passion dims after a few years and we sometimes to get the fires rekindled.

I am with Wally. It makes no sense to break up to rekindle the passions. It takes work together.

[Smileyface519]

Thank you WallyLlama, dancingdoc2, and Brandye for responding to message and for all the advice. To be honest, I really didn't want to split up, but I didn't know what else to do because we had tried so much to work on our issues. We are continuing to talk about everything, and even went on a "date" the other day. It felt nice to finally hear some of the things that I had been feeling, and many of the problems that I had noticed, he had noticed. We are continuing to take it day by day, we only see eachother once a week now, and we agreed if we met another person we would let one another know and then decide from there what to do (see both people-letting each person know, or break up). I know all relationships are different, but I do feel that this split is going to help us. I truely believe that there is a reason for everything, and for some reason my heart was leading me in this direction. No matter what happens in the end between me and him...I have to think that it was for the best for both of us. Thanks again!