fiance cheated with "friend"

[mloz17]

My fiance have been together for almost 4 years now. We lived in the same town and went to the same school for the first 3.

Now, she moved with her family to another town about 2 hours away. All was well, our relationship was going great.

Then she met this guy from the same town on a web blog. She talked with him for several hours almost everyday (I got to college and dont get to talk to her during the day and only see her on weekends). She would every spend most of the time we had on the weekend talking to him. She became very distant, to the point even her mother was asking me if everything was ok between us.

I asked my fiance about this guy to find out what was going on. She said that they were just friends and she liked having someone to talk to when she was home with nothing to do. She said that she had had a little crush on him at first, but not anymore, and that he had a girlfriend. Normally, I wouldn't be too worried about this, but the way she was acting with me and the way she talked with him got me a little worried. I found an email that was just a little flirty that she had hidden, but she said she hide it because she didn't want me to worry.

Well, I was visiting for Christmas break and I went back home for a couple days to do some things. She wanted to call him on the phone and meet up with him to meet him. So we agreed that when I got back, we would call him up and go meet him together for the first time.

I came back that Friday and everything was ok for awile. She was still constantly chatting with him online when we were home. She was acting really weird when I finally confronted her about what was going on.

After much talking, she confessed that she still had feelings for this guy. She told me that she had called him and invited him over Friday before I came back. She told me they had started making out off and on, and he touched her while they were doing this.

I would have never expected her to do this to me. She has only known this guy for a little less than a month and that was the first time they met in person. She said she didn't intend for all that to happen, that she couldn't help it. I asked her to tell me everything about what went on and she has been completely honest with me.

I still love her just the same as I always did. I am just at a loss of where to go from here. She told me that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she feels for this guy and wants to continue to be "friends" with him. Only over the phone though she said. But it is obvious that she still really cares for the guy. He also has a girlfriend and knew that my fiance was engaged...and still made the move that started the making out and stuff.

Where do I go from here? I understand that we have a 4 year old relationship and the newness of someone else is tempting. Its just that cheating was the one thing we always promised not to do to each other and I never even saw it coming. I want to be with her even though it breaks my heart that this happened, I just don't know how to do it. My once complete trust in her is shaken very badly now. Since I live in another town, I wonder if she will be able to stop herself from repeating. Ill always be wondering what she is doing when Im at school and my home.

This girl means the world to me, even after this. Though, I am not real happy with her right now, we are still talking and Im staying with her at her house. You have to understand, this cheating stuff just isn't like her at all. We are best friends and get along great together, at least until she met this guy.

What should we do now? Any advice on how on what I should do and what we should do as a couple would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long read, but I just really have to talk to somebody about this and hear what they have to say. I am still in shock about everything.....

[WallyLlama]

"What should we do now?" is a question that you both have to answer together. Your assessment of the situation seems quite practical, what's hers? If your answer isn't the same...

It rather sounds like she was more in love with her relationship with you than you... you were not around so she "filled the gap" with someone else. The fact that she feels the need to continue a "friendship" with him supports the conclusion that she's not going to be completed satisfied while you are not available because of college/distance, etc. I'm guessing neither of you really looked at the implications of those changes.

And I think that's probably the issue: can you and her make the relationship work for both of you under the current circumstances? Your first attempt failed.

Yes, you can put it back together, if you both want to do that, but you might want to consider that he is not the issue, really. Does she want to restore your trust in her? How does she plan to do that? These are the questions I'd be asking her.

She may be more honest than you'd like... the fact that she wants to continue a relationship with this guy because she still "really cares" for him is telling you that she's not committed to you, you are not enough.

[Luvs2plzU]

thank your lucky stars this is happening now and not 5yrs or 10yrs or 20yrs into a marriage...there's a big red flag that has been hoisted on deck matey....best HEED the warning and seek some professional help from a marriage counsellor first off.. good luck!!