Divorce or cheat?

[sex kitten]

Here's the deal, married 14 years, never cheated and don't think he ever has either. We have both changed so much in the last decade that I believe if we were to meet today, we would not be interested in each other. I love my husband but am not IN LOVE with him, for a good many years. I am not in a relationship with any other guy, I just want to be. We lead very seperate lives, only thing in common is our kids, never date or socialize with other couples. I am not emotionally connected to him and it bothers the hell out of me but he thinks we're just fine. Without an emotional connection I can't see a physical one happening and it sucks anyway. What do I do?

[iamawesum69420]

Since he seems to think the two of you are just fine when you're really not a major problem must be communication. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and be honest with him. There's a chance that he's feeling a lot of the same things that you are but is afraid to tell you. So just talk to him and let everything out and then go from there.

[sex kitten]

Thanks for the reply and I agree we do have a communication problem. I have expressed my feelings and he just doesn't agree, he thinks we're fine, herin lies the problem. I am not emotionally satisfied in my marriage. He never touches me in any way other then for sex. His mother is a cold person which i suspect is why he's not very affectionate. Years ago he was more affectionate but now------forget it. So i have a problem with the lack of physical contact as well as emotional. It's like we're roomates that happen to sleep together. Lately I'm asking myself if I want to spend the rest of my life cold and alone (with him) or try on my own to find that person that truly digs me and wants me around. I see so many couples all cuddly holding hands and quite frankly I silently curse them. We don't share the same interests either, we vacation separately because of separate interests. What a mess, is that normal? And you know we could go to counseling but the truth is it's a no win situation because if he then started to touch me or take me on a date I would know it's only because he knows it's what I want. I want him to WANT to be with me to WANT to touch me and hold hands or be alone. I don't want to be on vacation with my friend, I want to be there with the love of my life but I don't have one.

[ShadowLynnParker]

Well, It seems you have a stagnant relationship here. He thinks everything is fine because you lead him to beleive this is so. You must change your habits and by this i mean, dress very sexy and do yourself up the whole nine yards. Be the you you wish you can be and he may open his eyes and think for once. You said you are not in a relationship with any other but you don't have to be. Just go about your life as if he is your roomate. He may start to get a wake up call and think you may just be able to get someone a tad better then he is. Who knows, maybe your life can start NOW!!! Don't wait for him to catch up to you just live life as you seem fit and leave him in the smoke. Life is so short hun, read some self help books on the subject and you may open your eyes also.

[WallyLlama]

Certainly the socially acceptable thing here would be to gently or harshly post a "save your marriage" elegy. It is not my intent to take the opposite position, but I do think sometimes one must ask "What is there to save?"

Sometimes it just doesn't work.

People do change, that's the reality of aging and growing. I've come to believe that the fundamental flaw in the system is that we search for the ideal mate, think we've found him or her, and discover some years later that either we were wrong in our judgement or we both changed and stopped being perfect for each other.

That's different than falling in love and building and maintaining the "perfect" relationship... that doesn't require the perfect mate, it requires two people who can combine energy and love to create a third entity that works for both, an "us."

The us then creates purpose... and an important part of the purpose is taking care of each other intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Without that you do become room-mates with perhaps unstated rules of conduct.

In that sense, I'd suggest it's not a communication problem, it's a purpose problem. You'll never win a debate over whether or not everything is fine because your realities are different and you are both measuring from your own perspective.

You are driven at the moment by what you want... and what he doesn't. If there's no "us," what is there to save?

[Luvs2plzU]

This exact scenario played out for me. The both of you must go to a marriage counsellor!...It is NOT wierd, but it will let you know exactly where the both of you are with respect to your relationship. The kids see that there is no warmness and off-standishness...The longer you two ignore the problems the more it will affect the kids outlook on relationships...I"ve seen this first hand!!...it's something that happens and we don't act quick enough...we think if we ignore it or don't fight about it ..it will get better...unfortunately that isn't the case...by attending the marriage counselling at least we confirmed what we fearfully dreaded...we were soooooooo far apart, that in the end it was decided that for our physical and mental health, it would be best to separate and move on...we kept sweeping things under the rug, ignoring it and pretty soon there was an elephant under that rug..and we still ignored it..other people CAN see when things aren't right..they are just tooo shy or figure that it's not their business to tell you...unfortunately,TOO MANY couples are in the same boat...it is very very sad...things will NOT change unless you change...some great reads are :

marriage builders

Gary Smalley

[sex kitten]

I appreciate all of your replies more than you will ever know. It is easier to talk to perfect strangers about things so personal as opposed to "friends".

The only reason that I am opposed to counselling is because like I stated before, if after counselling my husband goes to touch me or hold my hand or any other posessive gesture, I would not be able to accept it as it is not genuine. That would be simply to placate me which is not what I'm after. My grievence is NOT that he doesn't display affection it's that he does not desire to do it. I want to be with a person that desires to be with me. Here's an example, we stay at a friends oceanfront beach house down the shore every labor day weekend with friends for a few years now. During the day we're all sitting on the beach in like a big circle. The other two couples are sitting next to each other while my husband is sitting in between the two couples, again No desire to be near me. They'll kiss go picking seashells together hell even frollick (at this point I've got steam coming out of my ears, but I remain pleasant) At night the 2 other husbands always say, "C'mon honey, lets go walk on the beach, one of the wives said, "Nooooooo, I don't feel like it." in a whiney tone, and he say's " I want to walk with my wife on the beach under the moonlight and makeout, what's wrong with that?" She say's "O-----kay........" and goes, Now I'm sitting there thinking WOW, what a guy. Mind you , none of this motivates my spouse which simply tells me what I already know, he's not romantic and or doesn't have romantic feelings towards me. Either way, you can't fix that.

I should in all fairness state that I am fat, I have gained 60 pounds since our 9 th year of marriage due to thyroidectomy and antidepressants for panic attacks caused by thyroid problems. I am pretty though and most people say I look like Tia Carerra, I should say a fat Tia Carerra now! I have way too much self esteem then a person has a right to and I am currently losing the weight. I can't help but feel that if all this is because of my weightgain, then he can go to hell because he is not the same physically either. He is still thin but is balding, I can lose weight, he can't grow hair. Sorry for the rambling............. and sex-life that's another post.

[Playful1]

Marriage is never stagnant and is either moving forward as the couple becomes closer or it is backsliding and getting worse. Unfortunately a lot of people do think everything is coasting along on cruise control and just fine oblivious to the fact that things are going downhill. I think a lot of men don't realize how much is involved emotionally and mentally in the marriage and that it takes an ongoing commitment and constant care and attention for marriage to be successful.

You stated that you don't want to do counseling because you think it will only result in his changing out of obligation or expectation and not be genuine. An excellent way to get genuine change in him and motivate him and get your marriage back on track would be for you to take a proactive approach by reading: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can get info on the book at Dr. Chapman's website: Marriage and Family Life and the book is widely available.

If you read the book and put it into practice you will see changes in him, and the changes will be geniune. It will not happen overnight and the changes will take time, which is something Dr. Chapman stresses. There is no quick fix but things can get better.

[Luvs2plzU]

Seriously,sex kitten please try the counselling..it will LIFT a load off your shoulders, usually you will meet together and then sessions which will be total byyourself where you can REALLY let it all hang out, how you feel about everything and it is the psychologists job to break it down and explain it to your spouse in a non-judgemental non critical manner!!..Playful 1 mentions an awesome book the 5 love languages...another great one is "Love is a Choice" by Minirth and Meier...it kinda tells you why and how you got to be the way you handle relationships and how and why your spouse acts out in the relationship...but seriously, don't be embarrassed if you seek marriage counselling,,,I highly suggest it as a tune up...every few years...I told the counsellor that I felt like a freek going in there, and that 90% of the people I know would feel like a freek...BUT I also told him that they should "market" themselves better because it is the BEST thing ever!!...consider it a SPA for your marriage or relationship...

[sex kitten]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Luvs2plzU @ Dec. 21 2005,14:51)]Seriously,sex kitten please try the counselling..it will LIFT a load off your shoulders, usually you will meet together and then sessions which will be total byyourself where you can REALLY let it all hang out, how you feel about everything and it is the psychologists job to break it down and explain it to your spouse in a non-judgemental non critical manner!!..

I am hearing ya Girl and agree with your advice IF, it wasn't for the simple fact, how fair is it to go and get counselling when I know that I will still resent my spouses gestures because he will have been "instructed" to do it. Plain and simple, when I caress my childrens faces or squeeze them and hug and show affection it's genuine, I wasn't instructed to do it, or because I read it in a book somewhere I mean really, what day and age are we living in that a man needs to be told, "Hey if you touch her or put your arm around her she'll really dig it". I'm beyond aggitated that it should even have to be pointed out, by me or worse yet a therapist. My problem is that I'm not about "changing someone" I accept people for who they are and how they are. This is the way my husband is, or has become for whatever the reason, it is what it is. I either suck it up, or move on. I'm feeling like a thirsty flower dying, how pathetic is that?

Furthermore- if we are gonna split I would be really annoyed to know that he NOW knows for the next relationship he's in, to touch and kiss and hold hands if he wants to keep her. Anything I tell him at this point is just going to be good advice for his next woman, no thanx.

Not arguiing with ya, just venting