Its pretty much over

[crazydivinechic]

So my Fiance' and I have been together for 2 years. He's got an 8 year old daughter that adores me and he's still totally in love with me. I love him, I care about him and don't want to see him hurt but I'm not IN love with him anymore. His ex wife destroyed him, cheated on him with atleast 10 guys, and he told me that I'm his last chance, if things don't work between us then he's not getting into another relationship ever again. Here's the deal (please I don't wanna hear negative stuff) I'm 18, he's 31. We went through a lot together at the beginning of our relationship defending our relationship to everyone we know and finally everyone accepted it. When I get married, I'd love for it to be him, but right now I feel like I need to live my life. I don't want to have been married for a couple years, see single people and be like "darn...I never got to do that...I never got to experience life being single as my own person." I moved out of my mom's house straight in with him, we've been living together for over a year now. And besides that....I'm not feeling him anymore. I dont look at him the same way. I told myself before that I would NEVER EVER cheat on someone, I would break up with them before I ever did that because I was cheated on before and it hurt like hell, but I cheated on him......and I don't even feel bad about it. And if I found out he cheated on me I probably wouldn't care....so thats how I know its over. However I believe after I have some time to live my life on my own, and become my own person, later on down the road he's the one for me. But I can't just expect him to wait for me can I? I do all the bills, the budget, everything. He wouldn't know what to do without me. I told him I'm not in love with him anymore and I told him I'm not happy right now. I asked if maybe we could just be roommates with benefits for awhile I do what I wanna do, he does what he wants to do just dont get into a serious relationship with anyone else. He said fine, but he wont do it. He won't go out without me because he's still in love with me. So I can't go out without him and do my thing without feeling like its wrong because he's still sitting at home and refuses to go out and live his life. What can I do? I don't wanna hurt him and I don't wanna burn my bridges with him.

[WallyLlama]

Sorry to say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." That's one of the lessons you will learn while you are experiencing life as your "own person."

If it's over and you are trying to figure out how to leave, start by packing a suitcase. No, you don't have to strike the match and set the bridge on fire, but you do have to accept the fact that there is a box matches laying there and they might well be lit by somebody... him... his daughter... the woman who comes along and loves him and is ready to settle down with him...

Age gaps are not the death-knell of relationships, but immaturity is... the way you are attempting to define the relationship is at best naive and at worst selfish. Read your description "I do what I wanna do..." and the problem is that he won't do what you want him to do. He IS living his life, the life he wants.

Another reality check - he'll do fine without you. I'm not faulting you for not wanting to grow up... I believe people are entitled to be their age, but not entitled to use their age as excuse for their decisions. But it is simple not realistic or fair to set him on a shelf until you are ready for him - unless he wants to sit there. Maybe he does.

Of course you will effectively be doing to him exactly what his wife did, won't you? Being "unmarried" doesn't mean you aren't cheating your partner...

Becoming your own person is ultimately about making your own decisions and living with the consequences, even the consequences you don't want.

[crazydivinechic]

I understand what you're saying. And I didn't mean to come off like I'm trying to use him or anything. I do love him and care for him deeply but the sparks just arent there anymore and I'm not happy anymore. So should I really stay when I'm not happy?
He's a great guy though, he's never hit me, doesn't drink a lot and loves me to death. So I guess the real question I have is more of WHY am I feeling like this? I never wanted to be like his ex wife, that's not the kind of person I am or I guess now I have to say was (?) I never thought in a million years I would ever do that, but I did and the fact that I don't even feel bad about it is killing me.
Before everything was great, but now it's like I guess I just feel like I'm not giving myself a chance to live. I don't want to waste these past 2 years but I also don't wanna be married, and be like "well darn, what if I was given the chance to live on my own and be my own person for a little while first?". I'm just feeling like I haven't had a chance to fully become my own person, I went straight from my mom's house to living with him being an "us" or "so-and-so's girlfriend".
I've told him I'm unhappy and I'm not IN love with him anymore, but I do still care for him and I don't want to hurt him. Which is why we came the "lets just be roommates and you do what you wanna do and I'll do what I wanna do", as I guess a compromise on how we can still sort of be together and sort of give me some time to figure out what I'm doing, but that didn't work because things are just the same as they were. I'm not a selfish person, if I was I wouldn't still be here with him even though I'm not happy with him. He's got an 8 yr old daugther he's in a child custody battle for, terrible credit, a $20,000 loan he's paying off, problems with his job, problems with his drivers license, problems with his truck, and a bunch more stuff. Do you really think I would still be here dealing with all these things at 18 years old if I didn't care about him? I do care about him, I just don't know what to do. Everyone told us at the beginning that I would end up being stuck in a hard place and we didn't wanna believe them.
I know everything comes out like I'm a cold-hearted b***h but I'm really not I'm just stuck in a situation where I don't know which way to go without screwing myself or him over.

[canoestripper]

Hey divine, three things jump out at me when I read your last post:

1) You don't feel bad about cheating on him, but you feel bad that you DON'T feel bad about cheating on him. I think deep down you DO feel bad about cheating, but it was such a release for you that you don't want to admit it.

2) You need to come to terms with what you REALLY want. Go out on your own and be free, or stay with him and shoulder the responsibility of this relationship. I think you are feeling overwhelmed and trapped by the responsibility of being in this relationship. All the problems he's having can be overwhelming for someone your age.

3) It's not going to get any better until his problems are resolved. The question is, do you want them to be your problems also. Once these things are taken care of, you should be able to feel the freedom you seek even though you are still in the same relationship. I think you love him, because you seem very worried about hurting him, but if you admit it, it'll be that much harder to walk away.

I'm not trying to lecture you, or make you feel bad. This is what I see. It looks to me like this is about commitment, responsibility, and fear.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[ShadowLynnParker]

The thing is about younger girls being with older men is this> You have not been around the scene renough as he had. He even has been married. You need to play catch up and it seems you are doing just that. You need to find where you want to be. Hurt shmurt. Just do the right thing.

[WallyLlama]

There is a huge difference between loving somebody and feeling sorry for him.

I'm also sorry to say that staying with someone who has a lot of problems does not begin to prove that you love him.

I'm not saying either of those is the situation here, but they are important points to remember.

My initial reply was a bit cold-hearted in the sense that I'm sorta suggesting that you set the feelings aside and simply look at the facts - hard to do, but a bit necessary if you are making room-mate arrangements.

I think you need to look at what you are getting out of the current situation or any arrangements you decide to make. You seem to be trying to justify staying with him even though you don't love him... but wait, you do love him or you wouldn't be staying... or maybe you'd like to keep him close by in case you end up loving him...?

I can see why you are confused.

Somebody will probably get hurt (not necessarily "screwed over" no matter what you do... but if you don't make some decisions, everybody is getting hurt and probably "screwed" as well.

You've got a lot going in your head and heart, it needs sorting out.