Long distance sexual problems

[clare33]

Hey,
I'm new here but I have been watching the posts for a while. I am seeking some advice about my relationship. I am with a great guy who lives on the East Coast. I live in the Midwest. We have been in a long distance relationship since July 2004. We were going to move together this past summer, but due to a change in his college schedule he couldn't. I was very upset. He just graduated college, and I still have two years to go. So here's my problem: I am going through sexual hell right now.

In the beginning, it was okay because we had plenty of amazing phone sex and cyber (via video camera). Our sexual life has always been amazing. We both understand exactly what we want, we have open communication, it's great. But early on in the relationship, I was in a bad emotional state from a problem in my past, and I ended up hurting him very badly. He decided to stay with me luckily, but over the past year we have had relationship problems. Lately, our sex life has been in major decline. We have not had phone sex since August, where as we used to have it every day. We have had cyber a few times. Mostly it is me on the video cam and talking dirty for him while he masturbates. But then he wont reciprocate. I've talked with him about it, asked him if he doesnt find me attractive, etc. He does still want to be with me, still finds me attractive, but I really hurt him early in our relationship and that has wounded him emotionally. I feel like I can't complain too much about not getting any because I am the one who hurt him in the first place. He says that when we are actually living together we will be doing it all the time, but I am worried as to when that is going to be. I can't just put my love and lust on hold until he decides, you know? What should I do?

-I just wanted to say he is not some selfish guy who doesn't care about the girls' pleasure. Before we had problems, he would sacrifice his own orgasm if it meant giving me a better one. He has always cared about my pleasure. It is just his emotional pain that is really getting in the way here. And I'm the cause of that. ugh.

[WallyLlama]

oops, double posted! That's a first! LOL

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (clare33 @ Nov. 20 2005,03:36)]I was in a bad emotional state from a problem in my past, and I ended up hurting him very badly... It is just his emotional pain that is really getting in the way here. And I'm the cause of that. ugh.

LDR's are tough in thousands of ways... including sexually. That said, they can still work, and they can still work well if both partners are determined.

I'm not sure I fully understand "the problem" but I would not encourage you to post graphic details of your bad experience or how you wounded him, etc. I would say, however, that just as your experience affects what you think and feel, it - and the behaviors that come from it - are affecting him. You seem to acknowledge that, but the question you might have to ask yourself is this:

His emotional pain is "getting in the way." It sounds like your "problem in the past" was "getting in the way?" You see, ultimately, the question becomes whether you and he are going to allow these experiences to control you or are you to share them and fix them.

Sounds like you both have some work to do! Set a goal and see if you can achieve it together. Remember, sometimes what you do is a lot more important than how you feel... and what you do will definitely affect how you feel!

[lilly2279]

No matter what you did in the past to hurt him, he needs to make a decision.

Can he get over it or not? If he can't then you need to move on. If not, then it sounds like he is going to hold it over your head for the rest of the relationship. Like he is SO wounded that he can't give you sexual satisfaction anymore, but he can get it from you? How exactly does that work? It doesn't sound quite right to me.

If he feels he can get over it, then he needs to do that and quit dwelling on it. You can not continue a relationship where you get the short end of the stick and believe it's all your fault because you hurt him however long ago. Do you know what I mean?

Good luck. Keep us posted!

[clare33]

Lilly,

I know what you mean. Many times I have told him, I understand if you want to leave me, if it is just too much. But if we are going to stay together, we have to get past this or we are just going to be creating more and more pain for eachother. But he kept insisting that he did not want to leave me. He says that he will not leave me until he has at least tried us being together physically for a while.

As for what I did to hurt him, in the beginning of the relationship I cheated on him (I did not have sex, just to clarify). I had never done that before in my life and never thought I would. I was in a very low place mentally/emotionally at the time but it's no excuse. That is why sexual issues can be so sensitive with us. He'll think back to the fact that I cheated and feel like he wasn't satisfying me enough (which is NOT true), and it's a big mess from there.

I just really want us to be together for real, living together. I really believe that us being together will change the situation a lot. Being able to look each other in the eye, sit down and talk, hold eachothers hand, hold eachother, etc, all of that will make a difference in our communication. I'm not saying it will be a magic wand, I know it wont be. But I know it will help. And I love him so much. I miss him like crazy. Hopefully it will all work out in the end. I think I need to get a good vibrator for christmas ha!

[kitty_robyn]

I did the LDR thing with a guy in Arkansas (i'm in indiana). *The intimacy is probably the hardest part to maintain. *I suggest stepping that up a notch-- send him a package, a note, a card, anything so he knows you care. *It's tough, but you can make this work. As for the sexual thing, my Arkansas guy and I tried making more conversation on the phone about life and our days and we didn't talk very often, once a week or so, so we really appreciated our time together. Hope that helps.

[The1stTriSexual]

I too did the LDR thing for a year with my gf before finally meeting in person (on our anniversary). We've been living together sucessfully ever since (6 months). The OP is sort of like our own situation...basically she dumped me, went out with another guy, I got pi**ed off and hurt, then she dumped him and we got back together (ofcourse, theres more to it). That was all within the span of app. 2-3 months. What helped and made me decide to stay with her (and not leave dramatically like I had planned) was that she showed me that I could trust her. She said things that she knew would hurt me (like about how they met, their dates and how they went, their first kiss etc.), she explained that I was the one she wanted but doubted we would ever meet, and that at this point in her life she needs someone there in person. Annywayy,,,I could sympathize with your bf. You might want to be very open with him about your prior relationship. Show him pictures of the guy, answer any questions he might have, etc. In my situation, I feel like I know the guy personally. That helped give me closure.

As far as changing the situation when you move in together...didn't for us. The type of stuff we talked about, we still talk about. Our conversation in person is really the same as it was on the phone, so,,from my experience, don't expect anything too dramatic.