Love my wife, but in a sexual rut....

[-Ace-]

OK, I know this is gonna be long, so forgive me. There just arent too many people I can really be open with about this, and Id like some insight.

My wife and I have been married for 2 and a half years. We're not typical newlyweds, as we have known each other since high school...started dating when we were 15 and we are both now 27. The relationship took a break for a few years after high school, and she had a child to another man, but we just knew there was nobody else for either of us and weve been back together for a good 4 years now. Strange story, I know, but I wanted to give that background. We've known each other for almost half our lives, so it isnt a typical newlywed situation.


Anyway, getting to the point. Sex is soooooo plain. There are many reasons for this, I feel, but here's the catch...we JUST got to the point where it has become regular, and I dont want to push it. For a while there, I was lucky to get it once a week. I brought it up to her a lot, she said I was sweet and loved me very much and this and that and whatever, but she claimed she just wasnt f"risky". *That's fine....but I explained to her that she needed to communicate this to me, to keep me informed of her feelings, because after a time of very little sex, it began to hurt me very much. Then I became hurt even more when there were a few times she mentioned to me that "I was frisky last night.....but you didnt do anything". How the HECK was I supposed to know!!!!

Anyway..the past two months have been alright. She claims she doesnt want "anymore sex problems". But, ya know, I dont want to force her, either. If its a freaking job, then I just dont want to do it. And sometimes I get the sense that it is. She is never bitter, but I DO get the sense that she is just letting me bang her.

Im having serious issues with this. I feel betrayed, though I wont admit that to her, because I dont want to hurt her. Her and I talked extensively about this before marriage....she knew very well that my drive was very high, and hers apparently was too. She loved to swallow (so she says). Of course that stopped on the wedding night, I have had maybe 3 blow jobs since marriage. Meanwhile, I go down on her EVERY SINGLE TIME. Its like....she has become shy and ultra-conservative for some reason. Yes, we have spiritual beliefs that we cling to which influenced the degree of sexual activity we engaged in prior to marriage...so maybe the "forbidden factor" turned her on a bit, made her more willing to be a certain way, I dont know.

So, to sum up the best I can....I dont want to hurt her feelings, she is such a sweetie, she is my best bud, she is my whole world...but she is different now, and I do feel betrayed on a certain level. If this is the way she is deep down, thats OK, I can live with that. But I dont think she is....and I really really really want her to loosen up. I am so afraid of offending her if I open up a bit...theres a lot Id love to add to our sex life. Stuff that was no issue at all before we got married, but I think she would balk at now.

So...any insight? Think it was a change of heart? Is her self-image suffering, and she just doenst feel sexy anymore? Is she just tired of it? Ive asked her in a very guarded way, doing my best not to make her feel like I am unsatisfied with her, and she apparently doesnt feel that she IS any different (!).


EDIT: Allow me to add that she is a housewife. I work 9-5 and she is able to stay home. She says she is very happy this way. Yes, she does most of the cleaning around the house. I actually do most of the cooking, both because I like to and because I like to help out. We arent a couple where the wife does everything, AND works, AND cares for the kids. We both work hard, and she has said time and time again that she feels our workload is equal. I add this because I know it is such a common issue, and after re-reading my post, is the first question I would ask were it another person.

[th1029]

I am kind of in the same boat, but my situation is opposite as, I am the woman lacking a sexually driven husband. However, I know in the situation I am in, being the woman, what I would love for my husband to do to me. First, women get turned on very differently, (at least I do) then guys. Maybe in order to get her to open up, you need to take a different approach. I don't know how you try to initiate sex, or how it comes up in your situation. But maybe taking it a little slower, and fueling the fire long before the bedroom would make her want you more. Subtle hints. I know personally, that if I feel sexy, that makes me want sex. Things, like coming up from behind her, and putting your arms around her, or giving her a kiss on her neck. Holding her hand while watching TV, or put your hand on her leg when you are sitting on the couch. Women respond more to affection, and romance more I think. At least I do. It turns me on big time, when something unexpected happens. Like when my husband does things that are similar to when we started dating. Simple romantic things. Love notes, or a spontaneous card. Surprise flowers. That makes me feel beautiful, loved and appreciated. In turn I want to show him how much I love him. Does your wife respond to simple gestures like that? Maybe she misses the spontenaity of your dating life?

[netguy01]

We have developed a very healthy, passionate sexual relationship. I think one of keys that has allowed our relationship to grow is communication.

[sex kitten]

Great posts, great advice~

[gorgeous_mistake]

Another husband dealing with sexual frustation.

[Ducy]

Why is it that all sexual frustration stories seem so similar

My wife did always wanted sex, then we said we do and now she dont....its as if some of these woman in this world are doing whatever to get a man and then once they have them its game over I win no more pretending..

I think netguy has some of the best tips. I know my parents dont date nearly as much as they did when they were first together (or before they had me) and they seem sexually frustrated. (I mean I never see people having sex complaining about things. And they complain....ALOT)

[gorgeous_mistake]

Exactly!!! That's why I posted on these threads, I think they could be very educational. The other thread (the one after this one) deals with a husband who never had sex with his wife before marriage, and now he's screwed!! Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship.

I hope no one becomes offended of these points due to religious beliefs and such.

I'm merely giving examples of what sex can do and not do for a relationship, since there are so many young couples set with "no sex" but want a good relationship.

[Thresher_V]

Marriage is like a new car, you gotta take her for a test drive before you drive her home.

[Ducy]

He did take the car for a test drive. Apparently took it for a nice long road trip.

[gorgeous_mistake]

The car metaphor is perfect!

Sorry I meant the one titled "hate having sex w/ my wife"

Read that one, its just sad.