hard breakup

[mikey34]

Hi so my girlfriend and I of 1 1/2 years have broken up. We had a terrible fight about 3 weeks ago, and she broke up with me right after it happened. After giving her a few days to cool off, i decided to give her a call to apologize to her, and to tell her how sorry I was and that I loved her so and that I couldn't see myself without her.

Well that is not what she had in mind. She strung me along for about 1 week, making me feel bad for fighting with her, and basically just tryed to make me feel horrible. Now when we got in this fight, I wasn't 100 percent wrong. She was part of the problem too, but still I wanted to try and make up with her.

After about maybe a week of us being broken up, I asked her if I could stop by her place to talk. I went over to her apartment, and just talked for a good hour or so. I noticed that her place looked a little bit different, like someone else had been here. I didn't really think much of it, because I thought that we were so in love, i thought to myself "no she couldn't have already moved on to someone else not this fast."

Well we continue talking, and I said I wanted her back. I told her that I couldn't live without her in my life, and that I just didn't function right without her. She told me that she wanted space, and wanted to see what happens. I thought to myself that sounds weird, so I asked is there someone else? She assured me no, that she just needs to get herself together, or that she was just too busy with school and work.

So after talking on and off for about another week, I just get the feeling things are over. She is being really really mean, and just being a horrible person. So I ask to drop some of her stuff over to her apartment, since she had alot of her clothes, and other stuff at my place and it was just hard to look at it because I always thought about her when I did.

So i go over to place, and what do i find on the floor of her apartment. A condom wrapper. I wanted to just cry right there. it was so hard for me. I ask her what is this? She don't worry about, its not your business. I said insert her name here, please just be honest with me. I atleast deserve to know the truth.

So while she's laying on the bed, she starts crying. She says I slept with my coworker a few night ago. After about a few minutes of being in shock, i ask her do you like this guy? She shakes her head yes, she does. I couldn't believe it. I was at a lost for words. The girl who I thought I was gonna marry and who was gonna have my kids, has already found someone else after only 2 weeks of being broken up.

I just got up, looked at her, and left. I could barely drive home I was so shook. Well she proceeded to call me a few times later that day, but I couldn't talk. After a day or so, she stops by my work. Tells me she so sorry, that she didn't want to hurt me, and that she is sorry.

She showed me text messages that i had sent her, and she told me they made her cry. She told me she missed me, and said that couldn't go on with ehr life knowing we won't ever talk or see each other again. After about a few days of this, I write her a letter. I basically said that I loved her, and that what she did may be unforgivable, but I would try to forgive her is she wants to make things work and to drop this other guy.

Now while we were going out, she used to go out with this coworker alot. I knew about it, but was fine because I trusted her, and she didn't have many friends, and also the fact she would get mad and tell me i was insecure if she went out after work with him or coworkers. She then tells me, that he told her he liked her. And she continued to see him, and that she thought about it, and said well I do like talking to him? we have good conversations? And that she liked him too. And that she would lie to me about going out with him, while we were going out.

After all this during the 3 weeks, she told me she didn't want to lose me, and that she might regret losing me and that she still loved me. I am so confused, but I did what I think I had to do. I ended any type of relationship with her yesterday morning. Told her that I never wanted to see her, never wanted to talk to her, and just wanted to forgot about her.

This has been the hardest 3 weeks of my life, and I am seriously depressed. I am sorry this is so long, but I don't have many friends to talk too, and i needed to get it out.

[Rosie]

I think you did the right thing.....you can't play with a persons emotions like that...it will be hard, very hard but there is a morning when you wake up and you don't think about them as much, and you relalise hey i am functioning and it gets better from there.
even if she said she wants you back, what is going to keep from from doing it again?? perhaps she is one of those women that needs to have a man around for confidence, or reassurance, so it didn't work out with the other guy so, back to you she goes!
Don't second guess your decision, it is a bold move, but change is a good thing, and when your with someone don't you want to be with someone you can trust?? i don't know if she could ever get that back again! it would be so devastating to have to keep wondering where they are going and who they are with... but that is just my opinion.

take care things will get better!!!!
they do!

[WallyLlama]

Hmmm... I tossed this one around in my head for a while... finally came to the same conclusion as Rosie.

One of the hazards of loving deep and hard and needing someone is that it gives them a lot of control over you. Sometimes you give that control to someone who abuses the power. If you can't figure out/negotiate together how to share the power, you may need to move on and find someone who loves and needs you as much.

Eventually you realize you haven't lost a thing because you never really had it. All you had was the illusion of having it and you truly are better off losing the illusion.

[mikey34]

Hi Rosie and Llama, thank you for your responses. Thats exactly what I was thinking about, the trust factor. She works with the guy just about everyday all day, that would probably drive me nuts just thinking or worrying about what she is doing.

Llama yes i admit it, she did have alot of control over me and thinking back on things she definitely abused it. I know the right thing is to move on like you said and find someone who loves you and needs you as much but even through all the stuff she did, part of me still loves her, while the other part is just saddened and hurt and even mad.

I have tryed to be tough, she texted messaged me the other day, and I didn't answer back.

[mikey34]

So she calls me twice today and I picked up her call. She told me she misses me, misses everything that we had in our relationship. Told me she still wears the ring i got her, ans that basically she just misses me and talks all sweet and sad to me. She then asks if she can continue to call me, and I was weak and said ok. What is she doing to me? trying to mess with my head? does she want me back?

[Rosie]

well we don't know the situation like you do and in the end it is your decision. all i can say is do you really want to go back to that? before you do anything just think about what the relationship would feel like for you??? could you trust her?? could you be happy?? or would she just take control again?? if she wasn't happy enough with you the first time why will it be different the second???
IF you want to try things again and i only me IIIFFFFFFF don't jump back into a relationship try friends don't move in together and if the same old traits of hers reappear then wellllll walk away. I just think that giving into her could either be the biggest mistake or the best decision....if she is genuine that is
personally i couldn't go back....just because trust is the biggest BIGGGGGGEST thing to me, and i gave someone a second change after they cheated and it was the worst decision i have ever made....BUT....that is only my experience and every one is different and i have learnt from it.
take care. let us know what happens.

[lilly2279]

She wants her cake and to eat it too.

She wants you to not be mad at her and to string you along, while still fooling around with the guy at work when she feels like it. That's what it sounds like to me.

I think you're smart in trying to distance yourself from her. Be strong and find someone who will appreciate you.

[WallyLlama]

Can I just agree with Rosie again? LOL

Actually, I would add this... if you are going to explore with this girl (and you clearly are since you are taking her calls, etc.) be very cautious about how much of an emotional investment you make with her for a while.

The best answer to your questions "what is she trying to do..." are going to be that you can have a lot of control over that. It's possible to meet in the middle. Stand tall and watch what happens.

[mikey34]

Hey guys, thank you for all of your responses. Once again, she has tried to take control of how and what our relationship is gonna be. We went out to get a late night snack, and I told her that I can't be her friend. I said it is just too hard on me, to just be friends or buddy buddy with her while she is having sex with other people.

After talking a bit about not seeing each other for a while, I told her that she can either continue her relationship with this guy, but I don't want to be buddies with you. I told her, if you drop him, and say you want to take a chance to work things out with me since it seems as though you still love me, I would be willing to work towards forgiving you, and to see what happens.

She told me I will drop him, if you really want me too and we can get back together. But im not sure if i will be happy, since obviously we had problems the last few months in our relationship. I then said well quit trying to keep me or string me along, Im not a toy. You tell me you love me and miss me one night, and then you go out and come home with this other guy. I said actions speak louder than words, and you obviously don't know what you want.

She said i need to think things over. She calls me later that night, tells me she talked to the other guy. She say's im going to take this week to think things over, and decide what I want to do. Or basically who I want to choose. cause seeing you both is driving me crazy, and im not so sure. Hering this really pissed me off, and honestly i feel insulted.

She told me she would drop him, and then she calls him to see what he had to say about it? obviously, I don't mean much to her. If she really wanted and missed me, it would be a no brainer and she would pick me. I know the right thing is to just forgot about her, since its not fair on me to keep waiting, but I have such a soft spot for her even with all the shit she has put me through. what do you guys think?

[Morgandy]

I can understand where your coming from. One of my ex boyfriends who I loved and cared about very much, did something very similar when his ex came back in the picture saying she still loved him too. He stepped back and said he needed to make a decision, and I patiently waited for him to make one. I thought his confusion was valid and thought he would come back to me as we haad more of a history together than he did with this other girl.

Well after a month of torture, he did. But a few months later, he waffled again and ended up dumping me anyways to go back to this other girl.

My personal opinion on your situation?

Walk. Away. Now.

You deserve better. If you look at the evidence (breaking up with you the first time, still waffling after chasing you to get you back..) Hon, she's been in turmoil about your relationship the whole time, and getting back together with her now won't change anything. She's afraid of losing you because she knows you care about her like crazy and that's safe, but she hasn't just been playing with the idea of holding onto this guy, she's been refusing to let go of this other guy. What does that tell you?

The boy I mentioned in my own story came to me recently to apologize and say that at the time he had just been enjoying the rush of having two people care about him and want him at the same time. And while he was with his ex girlfriend after we broke up? He still tried to promise me that we'd be together again someday soon. So talk about trying to keep that validation alive.

Right now your girlfriend sounds like she's confused and (unintentionally maybe) playing you. Keep her in your life if you want (I know it's hard to do anything but), but just don't play her game. Tell her she can *have* that other guy, and then walk away and give it time.

(End of Rant)