Do men really NOT want sex sometimes?

[mackay]

I am a 37 year old woman dating a 35 year old man for the past 7-8 months. The last 3 without sex.

He was a notorious 'player' in his 20's (have met a woman who dated his friend and she confirmed this). He has said that since meeting me he has not wanted to date anyone else and that sex has become less of a priority compared to everything else in a relationship. He says he's very happy with our relationship and doesn't want to end things, despite my asking if we are just becoming friends.

He talks of future plans together (kids etc). He now says he had pulled away the last few months (dealing with whether he really wants this or not) and is coming back and now taking it slowly. He said going out trying to hook up with women was tiring and got old for him and he's happy sex is less important because it shows him he's ready to settle down. He also says there are women you hook up with and women you stay with because you respect them. He makes it clear I'm the latter. When I asked about having sex with the women he stays with he said, "no, not in the same way."

Well...is this just the classic madonna/whore thing going on; or do men pull back from sex when dealing with committment; or having been very sexually active for 20 years, is he just happy to not have to perform and to bond (as he really does call our time together). Sometimes he sounds more like the girl than I do! Oh, and I also wonder if he's getting it on the side...but have found nothing conclusive to show that--and he denies it straightforwardly but not excessively.

Any ideas? sorry soooo long!

[WallyLlama]

It wasn't THAT long.

An impression: sometimes the pendulem swings too far the other way. If we take his explanation at face value, he's saying it's a relief to find a good relationship that isn't based on sex.

He may need to learn/understand that a good relationship does include it. Or at least to realize that the fact it's part of the relationship doesn't mean the relationship is shallow or bad.

It is interesting that he values the bond you have... he may need to develop the ability to express that bond physically. When you feel close and connected... why not be close and connected?

I suppose that could be the problem... if he's not wanting to commit he might actually understand that making love with you is going to be TOO good and is avoiding it for that reason. Without revealing intimacies, Loripop and I joke about how difficult it is for us to "have sex." We're too busy making love.

The bottom line here is that you and he need to continue to explore how you are going to relate to one another and that includes how sex/making love fits into it.