Some advice please

[heyimnew]

Hi, I'll start with a tiny introduction. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now, and have just had some issues with her ever since the three magic words have popped up in our relationship, "I love you." Ever since those words came up about 4 months ago, things have changed. Though we feel a lot closer to each other, the arguements have increased and have worsened.

When we argue about something, it is usually something related to that of which is in the future. We both live at home, she is going to college next year. We have discussed colleges and she is more than likely staying in the area. Anyways, onto my point. When we argue, it is usually over one of two things. Guys, or procrastination. I know girls (as well as guys) love the attention of another. When a guy takes interest in her, it makes me feel good that I have a girlfriend wanted by many. Yet, on the other hand, when she pursues and talks back to them and keeps in communication, I get bothered. If a girl takes liking to me, I try to avoid them, even though I enjoy the attention. I do not want to have any kind of risk in our relationship. As I said, she talks back to them, even when they have questioned "why are you with him?" or "I bet you're broken up by the end of this year." Am I wrong to be annoyed? I have told her, we have great communication in our relationship. After some talk, she agrees to tell the guy to stop and whatnot. The thing that bothers me, is why must I have a long talk with her over something so stupid? Should it be natural that she tells them to stop? In my opinion it should be, but she seems oblivious to the common sense of a relationship; I am her first long-term relationship, her first love, her first sexual partner. She is my first love and sexual partner. She just seems oblivious to the obvious. I have a talk with her everytime I feel bothered, just because I want to have no awkward feeling hidden inside. I like to keep everything on the surface, to make sure things go the way they should.

I have a quick temper, but I usually do not use it to harm her (emotionally, NEVER physically) but I tend to come to a sudden quiet when angered (to keep myself from saying something dumb). I know that I am a bit possessive (like a lot of men are), but it's just that she is so great and I love her so much, I don't even want to risk that either of us falls for someone else. We have already had a discussion that if one of us starts to take interest in someone else, that we will drop whoever it is (ignore them and cut them out of our life; even if it be a best friend) just to cherish what we have.

I have been classified a "good guy." I've been the best I can be to her, I love her with my life. I'm just trying to protect that love, this is my rib cage so that my heart may not be stabbed.

I also might add, that everyone should think like this. Especially "hopeless" (whose story I have read), that if a man/woman can take your lover away from you... can drive them away from all the love you have given them, then they are not worthy of your love. Like Hopeless, his "wife," she left him for another man, he should be proud that she is gone, knowing that he won't have to spend the rest of his life with someone so half-alive.

To the point: is the following information given above annoying to anyone? Should I just let go of the possession when it comes to her loving the attention of another man's interest? Or should I continue down my path? I know she doesn't like it when I talk to her about someone, but I also know that most girls like to make a man jealous, so maybe that is why she does it.

[WallyLlama]

I'd start by saying you might want to consider whether or not you are really asking a question or looking for affirmation. You use the word "obvious" a lot... and even say "Everyone should think like this..."

That suggests you have decided how your girlfriend should think and deciding that is the major ingredient in a recipe for disaster. "She seems oblivious to the obvious" is not particularly endearing and actually implies that you think she's stupid.

Since you say you have great communication, you need to discuss the fundamental issues, not the latest guy she's friendly with. I'd say one of those issues is: How do you each feel about the other's relationships with the opposite sex. You want to "avoid risk" - she may have a lot more self confidence in her own ability to resist temptation, or whatever it is you fear. You might need to consider that their is no universal law requiring her to agree with your thinking and you might benefit from trying to understand hers.

You do not keep someone in love with you by preventing them from ever having any interest in someone else. That approach is controlling and manipulative and is based on insecurity and fear, not love. You can't own her.

You can, however, learn how to love her. But you'll need to remember that SHE gets a lot of input in how to love her best.

Why not ask her?

[Tessie]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ Oct. 24 2005,01:36)]You do not keep someone in love with you by preventing them from ever having any interest in someone else. That approach is controlling and manipulative and is based on insecurity and fear, not love. You can't own her.

I agree with Wally. You need to learn to trust more and to not project your fears onto your girl friend. If she says she loves and wants you then you need to believe that. There is nothing wrong with her talking to or having guy friends.

I have several guy friends that I talk to and have fun with. My sweetie knows that and he completley trust me not to do anything that would ever break that trust. I am also considerate enough to tell him about my friends so he doesn't feel like I am ever keeping anything from him.

The one thing that will kill your relationship is irrational jealousy. It's your problem and you need to fix it. Good luck. *

[ductapefaerie]

perhaps you could try to get to know her male friends...my bf and I have a lot of the same friends, and most of them are guys, so he has no problem with me hanging out with them and stuff...I think a lot of that is due to the fact that he is friends with them, too

[heyimnew]

Thank you all for your replies. Honestly I never used to be like this. I never cared; but you know what? I'm going to try to let go like it was before. I'll take the advice from you guys, and just try and let go of my possession. It's going to be hard, but you know... I got her in the first place by giving her the freedom she wanted; maybe I should keep that and she'll come craving for more; as this would be a total change in my attitude.

[cat112]

hi,

I read you post, and wanted to tell you I understand what you are going through. I Know it is hard to see the one you love giving attention to another man.
However, you said in your post that this girl is your first love and your first sexual partner. This indicates that you dont have a lot of relationship experience, and that you might be possessive because of this. Let me explain.

Usually people have a special relationship ( or wish to have a special relationship) with their first sexual partner. After all, its a totally new and extremely private and intimate experience, shared by the two of you ,
HOWEVER, holding on to you partner and like you said "avoiding any risk" is not going to make your relationship any stronger or secure that your heart not be broken any more effectively.
Actually, by making sure she does not communicate with other males showes several things.

1 - It showes that you do not trust you lover. You think that if she engages in a longer conversation with a male , this means that she will like them more than you , and consequently cheat on you.
2 - It also showes low self esteem on your part, thinking your girlfirend will run off with anyone as soon as she gets the chance.

If you want to share your life with someone whom you love, you must trust them. Avoiding any risk means that your relationship is weak and cannot withstand any pressure. This is not a way to live your life. ITs not fair to you, or your partner. If you love your girlfreind, and she loves you back, and you both feel commited to eachother,there should be no problem letting the risks run free.
IF your attitude continues this way, you might just convince your girlfreind that you are not the best bet, or that you dont love and trust her enough for her to stay with you.
you should probably try and balance better between the need to be safe, and the importance of freedom for the both of you.
I agree, letting things go a little does involve some risk, however, as i mentioned above, not anywhere near what you risk by suffocating the one you love.

it is natural to to feel the way you do. The trick is to convince your partner that you trust yourself and her and that you have a life of your own, even if you share some or all aspects of it with her. Make sure your girlfriend is not your only and main focus, do things for yourself. If she sees you handling situations and taking care of yourself, chances are that she will feel more attraced to you and safer in your company.

ok, thats all i wanted to say
do keep in mind this is the work of an amateur, and that i have had the same problem as you ( holdning on to hard)
If you feel that everything I said is just not right, dont listen to me. I dont know you personally, and everyones life is different. After examining the situation, taking into consideration the different viewpoints, make your own dicision.

cat