In love with him, or the relationship?

[Emmy]

I suppose i'm asking for an easy way to tell. I've been with my boyfriend for half a year now, and it's completely perfect. We see each other a few times a week, we have things to talk about, the sex is great, and I love spending time with him. I can't completely relax though, because I keep having doubts that i'm not actually in love with him as a person, and more in love with this perfect relationship we seem to have.

I think the one reason I keep thinking about this, is because with my ex-boyfriend, I was deeply in love with him, but the relationship was bad because we were younger, lived further, neither could drive, et cetera. I could see the distinction with him, between loving him, and hating the relationship. With my current boyfriend, the relationship we have is wonderful, but I don't really know if I love him.

Any ideas?

[WallyLlama]

Hmmmm... I think you might be trying too hard to make a distinction. I tell Loripop that I don't love her for what she does - I love her for who she is...

But then I realize that those two things are so intertwined... you can't really separate them totally. You are allowed to love what a person does when it reflects who they are!

At the same time I have known people who are in so in love with the idea of having someone and being in love that it almost doesn't matter what the person is like or does.

Developing a relationship is in a large part about skill and desire... if you love someone and they love you then you'll both want to work out any kinks in the relationship. It might be important to remember that the fact you have a "nearly perferct" relationship doesn't HAVE to mean that you don't love him. It could mean just the opposite!

[Emmy]

I guess you're right about that last part. I think I had some kind of affirmation about how I feel about him this afternoon, when I said some stupid things to him and I thought i'd lost him forever. The heart-wrenching complete and utter despair I felt all day were enough to make me realise that I do love him. Thankfully it worked out fine.

I still have my doubts though, and you're right about the relationship and the person being so intertwined, but sometimes I do wonder whether it's the relationship itself, or him.

[WallyLlama]

Does it really matter?

If so, why?