He... doesn't want to have sex!

[OneCuteKins]

Well, I am here on behalf of a friend. Really, I am! She and her husband have been married for two years now and were young when they were first wed. Needless to say they were each other’s first and from there things haven’t gone down a road she is very pleased with. From what she tells me, she has tried everything she can think of, multiple times, from teasing, toying, to flat out asking for sex and he is hard pressed to give it up. Apparently, more often the naught, he… A. gets distracted. B. Gets a headache in the process and goes to bed. C. Gets fussy (Over particulars, such as something hurting her or the tone of her voice and so one) or D. Just stops and says he can’t.

Also, it has come to the point where she has to nag… It is like pulling teeth to get him into bed. And they have had SEVERAL sit downs in which she asked him about different ways to enjoy each other, trying to find out if he has needs different from her own. He just wont talk about it, and if he does… there are no answers/there is nothing wrong.

And foreplay for her is nonexistent. He’ll happily take a blow or hand job, but since they have married has only given her oral sex maybe twice. He is also not excited about exploring her body and… apparently, just doesn’t do it. From what I gather, she gives him oral sex, then they share intercourse, and they’re through. She says he is very pleased in the aftermath of it all, I imagine so… as he’s not doing much work…

She is currently feeling very confused and at a lack for better things to try. He is, apparently, very emotional about things and when she breeches the topic of sex, or having sex, he would rather complain about things or claim that he is tired and just bottling things up and can't.

He also has a history of erection failure. In getting one and in losing it once it’s there, but not often.

He also won't breech the topic of masturbation and when she tried to bring new things and ideas to the table, he is not at all excited and generally gets quietly upset about it all.

Do you have any ideas on what may be wrong? She is a beautiful young woman, very attractive, and they seem to love one another very much! He loves spending time with her. They game a lot (PS2, game cube, etc.... which is part of the issue. He would rather game with her, then make love to her...) and do all sorts of things together, but there is a serious road block in their sexual life and he wont talk to her about it… despite her attempts to talk with him on the subject. She has even broken down, emotionally, and professed to thinking he doesn’t want her. Still no change. There is a pattern, in which it gets going well, and then it gets really bad. And after a while, it recovers and then gets bad again.

PLEASE HELP!

EDIT - I just wanted to emphasise that she is a very beautiful young woman. She is also very shy and the fact that she told me everything in detail makes me worry. Neither of have any concrete idea what is wrong... We have ideas, but nothing solid! I think the only way to know for sure is to have her husband finally spit it out...

But can you help us brainstorm and give us some outside insight? Please?

[Sassyone]

I am very new to the board and just saw this question. When I read your post, one major sentence stuck out like a sore thumb....that he has a history of erection failure. The man is probably so insecure about that. My suggestion would be to have him/them seek medical advice. I know that can be very hard on a man when he feels that he might not be able to perform as he would like. Also, you said that your friend is shy. She is going to have to work on that. IMO, it sounds like she has more of the fear of being rejected again. It is very hard on a person's self esteem when thier partner, for whatever reason, refuses their advances. Frankly, I would be inclined to grab that game controller and have a good time......Naked!!!

This is JMO, but, I believe that people who accept less, get less. She needs to work on her shyness and let that man know she wants some satisfaction. Jolt the boy into reality. LOL By that, I mean, it could be interesting for her to see what he would do if she masterbated in front of him while they are playing a game or whatever they are doing together. Just out of the blue, go at it. Show him what he is missing from her. I don't know of a man alive (and correct me if I am wrong) who doesn't get turned on by a woman who is confident and hot.

Hope that this helps.

[Kawaii Koinu]

Try a threat. If he's not gonna use it may as well cut it off.

LOL j/k

In seriouness, she needs to get him to come out and say what's wrong. If he's self-conscious because of current or past erectile disfunction he needs to suck it up, get help, and get in the sack.

If acted like he does (recieves and doesn't give) my fiance would've left me by now (thank god i of most of the work and love it).

He needs to see tha if he really loves her he should be willing to at least TRY anything to make her happy. Is that not what love is supposed to be?

[MasterBater101]

No, no. Threats can be a turn on and are effective.

*sighs happily* I remember when my girlfriend first threatened me in Paris, she said «Si vous n'enfoncez pas que dans moi maintenant j'aille obtiens votre couteau de boucher et vous serez homme non plus long!» which translates to "If you don't stick that into me right now I will go get your butcher knife and you will be a man no longer!" and that was really scary too because she went to get the knife. Can you guess what I did?



And that is how I lost my virginity and believe it or not, back then I wanted to wait until after marrige and now my friends say I am no longer 18 going on 80, no, now I am 18 going on sex hound.

[puravida]

Here are my suggestions:

A. Just because she's married doesn't mean she has no rights. No more getting him off until this communication breakdown and total physical breakdown is resolved. I'm not advocating sexual blackmail but the situation sounds totally lop-sided. Maybe it will help him empathise with what she's going through and motivate him to open up.

B. He needs to tell her that he's scared of not being able to perform- a very very difficult subject to discuss, period. Like someone else said, the man probably is terrified of failure and feels frustrated and angry at himself when the idea of sex is broached. However, he seams to have no problem getting off thanks to his wife, with no cares about her having a good time. HUGE PROBLEM.

C. He needs to deal with it through a 3rd party, since he doesn't seem to communicate with his wife, or think things through for himself. This situation embodies a lack of respect, or at least close to it. He won't even discuss masturbation? Clearly a 3rd party is called for, Doctor or counselor, or both.

D. Unfortunately, someone has to take the iniative to get help and FAST. My experience is that two loving commited people can deal with anything together. Two people who lack healthy verbal or sexual communication are in troubled waters, albeit temporarily, if he can put down the PS2 and get his act together.

Just one person's opinion, of course.. Good luck!

[oberon]

Excellent post, Puravida. Pretty much what I was thinking.

This is a communication problem more than anything else... and it doesn't sound like he wants to communicate (from what we've been told). There are far too many thing it COULD be to give any specific advice. It could be anything from insecurity (which was mentioned with "erection failures&quot... to.. heck, he could be gay. The point is he won't talk about it with her. They need a third party's help (a counsellor or therapist). If he won't even consider that, then she needs to decide what she's going to put up with and for how long.

[babalaza]

ok, lets get real, if she is hot and he prefers playing video games with her, then sahe sould dump him and get some guy else. I dont consider marriege such a big deal, and most of the times as i see from my friends, 1st timers that marry each other have this problem. If one is not satisfied, then brake up and get a new one (hopefully will learn the mistake and wont marry some1 else soon.). About the video games, maybe he just is not mature enough for a relationship like that.
I would ter her, get divorced. You dont want to ruin ur life by having a marrige thats not healthy especially if ur so young. UR still have a full life in front of u and u should enjoy it.

Btw, i had roomate which had a similar problem although he was not married. Ok, to the girl, here is what u should do. Dont give him the attention he needs. Dont call him like i beet u do everytime. Dress up nicely, get ur life going, hang out with ur friends, do wut girls do. Dont stick to him just cuzz ur married. PLay games with him? WTF GIRL? Ur a girl, dont do that crap. He needs to grow up, thats what guys do with budies. Show him that u like him , but pls not that u depend on him or something.
And if he gives that crap of being tired and all that, r u sure he is not dating some1 else???

OMFG i looked like a girl talking in some point.

[Sexii Elii]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (MasterBater101 @ Oct. 12 2005,18:21)]No, no. Threats can be a turn on and are effective.

*sighs happily* I remember when my girlfriend first threatened me in Paris, she said «Si vous n'enfoncez pas que dans moi maintenant j'aille obtiens votre couteau de boucher et vous serez homme non plus long!» which translates to "If you don't stick that into me right now I will go get your butcher knife and you will be a man no longer!" and that was really scary too because she went to get the knife. Can you guess what I did?



And that is how I lost my virginity and believe it or not, back then I wanted to wait until after marrige and now my friends say I am no longer 18 going on 80, no, now I am 18 going on sex hound. :D

I have a problem... i"ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now...and i've noticed that he doesn't really wanna have sex with me as much as he did b4. *I'm alwayz the one that wakes him up in the middle of the night to try to get sum..but he often regects me. I've been really really horney and try to get laid and do things to pleasure him but he ignores me. *I think i'm attractive and i know my sex is good...what could be the problem? *Could he be tired of me? *could he be cheating on me? *HELP!!!

[Sexii Elii]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (MasterBater101 @ Oct. 12 2005,18:21)]No, no. Threats can be a turn on and are effective.

*sighs happily* I remember when my girlfriend first threatened me in Paris, she said «Si vous n'enfoncez pas que dans moi maintenant j'aille obtiens votre couteau de boucher et vous serez homme non plus long!» which translates to "If you don't stick that into me right now I will go get your butcher knife and you will be a man no longer!" and that was really scary too because she went to get the knife. Can you guess what I did?



And that is how I lost my virginity and believe it or not, back then I wanted to wait until after marrige and now my friends say I am no longer 18 going on 80, no, now I am 18 going on sex hound. :D

I have a problem... i"ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now...and i've noticed that he doesn't really wanna have sex with me as much as he did b4. *I'm alwayz the one that wakes him up in the middle of the night to try to get sum..but he often regects me. I've been really really horney and try to get laid and do things to pleasure him but he ignores me. *I think i'm attractive and i know my sex is good...what could be the problem? *Could he be tired of me? *could he be cheating on me? *HELP!!!

[LittleFury]

Well...mine barely puts out once a week...falls asleep right after it...cuts me off for a week or so and won't budge and pets another pussy.
Sounds like an asshole...doesn't he and that I should leave him.
But looks at things behind it. We barely do it becuase we are both in school, I'm in law school and he works 40+ hour a week and goes to school. We are both exausted and got homework at night. HE cuts me off for a week during my period becuase sex during that time is physically extremely painful for ME. He pets another pussy, one that purrs and has hairballs and fleas.
Maybe you are just looking on the surface, refusing to see real reasons as to why things as they are. Don't immediatly jump to conclusions.