How to show you care? - in need of help.

[-kythulhu-]

hello again. *it's been a while since i've posted, but i've been having problems in my relationship (the same one as i've posted about before) and i knew i could turn here for some help, as i've been helped by many previously.

i'll sum up a bit... my boyfriend (18) and i (19) have been together for about a year and a half, and we've become very, very close to one another and have fallen deeply in love with each other. *we have gone though quite a lot and have overcome it. *he is my first real boyfriend and he is my world and everything in it; i love him more than anything.

here's the problem. *seeing as how i've never been in a real relationship before, (i've been in a few, but they were nothing more than the guy trying to get my virginity,) there are things that i haven't learned, because it wasn't necessary. *not saying that i didn't want to learn, i just didn't have the opportunity to. *those things being how to show someone something (like that you love them, care for them, etc.) or do something to help the relationship out.

when i think of doing something, i think of something physical. *like doing their chores, helping them do something.. something physical. *i've spent the past two days trying my hardest to think of something non physical that would help our realationship. *and the most that i've come up with is an email.

he wants me to show him something, anything. *like that i love him, care for him, appreciate him, just show him something. *i want to ssooo incredibly badly, but i just can't think of anything that would have an impact. *(and spending time with him is out, as we live hours away and just isn't feasible at the moment.) *and i've asked him to help me, but he said that i have to help myself first.. which i'm not sure how to either.

please help me/us. *i appreciate any imput and advice that ya'll can offer.

[WallyLlama]

Hmmmm. That last sentence is a bit troubling. One of the things people do in a "real relationship" is share and help each other - that's a way of showing love! It sounds like you are being put through some sort of test here which I don't fully understand.

Your description of "helping physically" just gets extended to the emotional and intellectual as well. It is doing "something" for the other on occasion, but more importantly it's doing it WITH him or her.

That said, there are lots of ways to show a person your love. You mentioned an email... how about lots of email? Send them all at once, make the subject "open me at (time)" and have each include at least one loving thought.

It sounds like you also have the challenge of a long distance relationship, so anything you do will involve email, regular mail, or phone... you could send him something... a reminder of a special time you had together... a picture... if you are at all into "scrapbooking" you could make a page of pictures (cut from magazines even) "Why I love you."

The problem sounds like he has some expectation and isn't telling you what it is. That will make it doubly hard!

[canoestripper]

Wally's right, but I feel like he's read more into this than is there. It sounds to me like it is less a real "test" and more a playful type of game. He wants you to show your affection in a creative way. My suggestion would be to make him something. What are you good at/interested in? Use your natural talents. The scrapbook page and emails thay Wally suggested are good examples.

I would also turn this back on him. Quid pro quo ("something for something.&quot. You do one for him, he does one for you. Who knows, this could become a sort of "tradition" for your relationship that makes it really strong. Don't stress over it. Make it fun.

Hope this helped. Let us know what happens.

[WallyLlama]

Wouldn't be the first time I've done that! LOL Probably won't be the last, either! Hope you're right, Canoe!

[-kythulhu-]

thank you, again wally, and canoe for the help. *

things are much better, and no, it wasn't a game. =\ *but i took the advice, and since we don't have many pictures of our own, i just got some off the net that fit us, and i made a collage that took me around three hours to finish. *although it didn't work (he got upset that i didn't think of it and that i asked for help from someone else =\ ) *we worked through it and are much better now. *and i'm in the process of working on a surprise. *i figured it would be nice to get something without him 'needing' to be shown something. *hopefully it'll help prevent it from happening again.

just thought i'd give ya'll an update, and thanks again for the help. =)

[canoestripper]

kythulhu- I'm very sorry that this turned out not to be a game. It reminded me of a game my wife and I played before we were married. A serious test of this kind, in my opinion, is completely uncalled for.

I think its a good idea to surprise him with something else. I am a bit concerned that you don't mention if he ever does anything like this for you. Like Wally says, "One of the things people do in a "real relationship" is share and help each other - that's a way of showing love!" Love is give and take. Sounds like he's doing a lot of taking.

I hope this is the end of his tests.

Take care.

[Starbuck]

I do lots of little things for mine. but then shes not at a distance either. Like bringing her the paper and cup of tea in bed in the morning , or washing and gassing up her car. telling her about a ball game on tv,(i dont like sports) asking her to go little places with me (including her in my life) , cooking dinner now and then, sending her romantic e-card now and then or flowers out where she works. Buying her a sexy out fit,or just going out for a intimate quiet dinner at a up scale resterant. Its the little things that show them you care and want them in your life.
You two being at a distance makes it tough. How about a nice card listing all the things you love about him. I mean one you buy and mail. That might pull at his heart a bit. Mike -

[Westles]

How about a love letter?

I'm going to be writing an in depth letter to my girlfriend in the next week ( foir when she returns from her holidays ) dont write it on the computer though, remember it isnt a business letter :P, go by a nice pen and paper and make the final version on the products you bought.

Theres my 5 cent.

[bruins76]

Proving your love, telling them, doing things for them that is considerate. For me & my man *but we live together* it's doing HIS laundry, cooking for HIM, letting him sleep in & taking care of HIS kids.

Aside from that, if you are in a long distance relationship I can only say that being verbal is the way to show him. If that's not good enough then I'd say he's "testing" you & that's not right either.

You don't have to be in a ton of relationships to know how to care about someone.

[i<3karma]

...tests suck... but sometimes in long distance relationships you just "need" something to remind you how that person feels about you. i don't live quite as far away from my girl but we still have trouble with distance and not seeing eachother as much as we would like to. soo we do a few things that seem to make it easier. first off we take ALOT of pictures. they always help with those lonelier times. so how about next time you get to spend a day together buy a disposable camera. and take some pics to remember it... for extra credit try getting other people to take pictures of the two of you, the comments you get from people can be a real pick me up for your relationship. for extreme extra credit make someone take a picture of you doing something really odd...use your imagination. also we send letters back and forth ...e-mail just doesnt feel the same, were both artists soo we always try to use either querky writing styles or somekind of artwork or neat onvelope. it's the little things that make it that much more special. ...hope that helps