Can We Over Come?

[SexualDeficit]

Hey folks,
Have been reading your posts for a month and have decided to finally poll for some help. WARNING: Situation With Many, Many Details Quit Reading Now If You Don't Have The Time.
I am a 28 y.o. male with a sex drive that craves for divulgence everyday but would be satisfied with 3 times a week. My partner is a 27 y.o. female with a sex drive of once every 2 months. We have been dating for 3 years and living together for 8 months.
Me:*A few other 2 year relationships and a handful of short ones.
*Pretty open minded and willing to try anything, especially if it pleases the other person.
*Usually takes between 30min and 1hr to climax
*Enjoy giving oral, back massages, love and use the candles and music, read books on sensual massage and Kama Sutra
*Have an active contracting buisness and currently going to design school parttime.
*Change and restructure my time to accomodate her free moments whenever possible
Her:* Many more relationships but very few over 4 months or so.
*No history of sexual abuse
*Currently is annorgasmic
*Hates to give oral and anal is out of the question
*Is an M.D. and currently 3 months into Residency
*Will not initiate
*Schedule pretty stringent and rigid
*does not like cunnilingus but will tolerate it
Here is my plight after a brief setting is laid. We have a great personnal relationship and love each other. Exercise daily(running) with each other. Exercise is non-negotiable for her as she will not skip a session. Go on trips and small day or weekend outings when time allows. Definately talk about a future and marriage. I flirt and play games often as it is in my nature and keeps things fresh.
I know everyone is already thinking time and stress are the problem but I think just a factor and here's why. We started having problems with the sex-drive 6 months into the relationship. We sat down and talked things over for a bit. She acknowledged the annorgasmia was an issue as a friend had bought her a book "Becoming Orgasmic" 3 yrs. prior.
About every 2 months we would talk about the sexual issue because of the issues it was raising. During these talks of course everything was teary eyed so it was apparent she has a low sexual self-esteem. Great sensitivity was being applied to what I said due to the self-esteem issues.
Some problems we encountered were pain developing during intercourse despite lubrication, lack of interest in sex, eventual unarousal during sex, sometimes overstimulation of genetalia, and of course my ever reinforced sensitivity to being rejected during intiation.
We ruled out vaginismus, latex allergies, and other medical issues especially as her specialty is OB/GYN.
She is very sensually oriented but not sexually. She has no problem skinny dipping in front of strangers, despite my reservations, and becomes insulted if I wear cloths, including underwear, to bed. Showering together has no arousal response and all of my massages end up in her wanting to go to sleep afterward. I tried the sensual massage but when I go to the more direct erogeneous zones I'm asked if I can just lay next to her. Her breasts are also not sensitive at all which I've read is not unheard of.
Things keep progressing and we decide to just put the sexual relationship aside for a while but that only lasts 4 months. Sorry, I'm weak. There have been other breaks from it when I'm gone for National Guard duties for a few months at a time.
I try to be sensitive about applying pressure on the situation since she acknowledged it's not appreciated. This came about when I suggested help from toys. I did my research and bought something small and unphallic and left it in the dawer with the lubrication. It sat there for 3 months until I removed it from our situation at which point she exspressed her disapproval of the passive pressure and she was not ready for any toys, nor visuals, in our sexual relationship yet.
I eventually dragged her to couples sexual therapy where the main focus was the therapist telling me I needed to accept her for her sex-drive and needn't concern MYSELF with her orgams issues. My girlfriend eventually thinks therapy is done and I need to work on accepting sexual encounters as a plaussible 6 times a year.
We have many discussions and individual counseling through completely new councilors is agreed upon. Despite more communications procrastination is still the ruling hand of progress. Eventually it gets to a point where we have a 5 min heart to heart when I ask her to define her priorities. When our problems rank down below daily exercise and upon examination she has a plethora of logic for why, I break up with her.
She is devastated, makes an appointment for counselling, we talk and get back together 2 weeks later. She promises during her months off and when MED school is over and Residency starts she'll be more than willing to work on things and living together will improve things drastically. We seek counselling up until Moving day for her Residency.
Surprise, Surprise, no difference despite the new setting except I have to schedule special time when she is emotionally up to the task of conversing on this topic.
Finally my problem is I find I need more than rubber and plastic. Straight physical grattification is only so fullfilling. I crave sexual acceptance in a give pleasure and take-pleasure role from my very soul. I'd be overjoyed with just giving pleasure for a while! I miss seeing the grin of exhaustion, relaxation, and release on someones face. I've been with enough different women so I know I'm not sexually distainful. I do my research and I know if you want to try to initiate sometime during the weekend you start romancing from Monday with say flowers and then special things every day, all week long so sexual intimacy is not such a light switch.
Am I at a dead end? Any suggestions of what I can try? Avenues? Theories? Bizarre stories from the twilight Zone?Ha.. sorry. I don't feel right about how things were stimulated into progression with me leaving last time.
Thank You for having the perserverance to read this.

[lilly2279]

I did read the whole thing and here is my thinking...

She knows you would like to be intimate on a regular basis. She doesn't really care. She doesn't want to try to have an orgasm, she doesn't want to pleasure you, she doesn't want you pleasuring her. She would like for you two to live as roommates forever with no sex.

The problem with this situation is that she doesn't seem to want to try at all. When do you think this will change for her?

My boyfriend has a low sex drive, I have a high one. I knew that when I started dating him. He hasn't really changed and we argue every so often about it. I gripe, he apologizes.

I am tempted quite often to cheat, but never have. I never will because I have toys and he is affectionate and does try.

You will probably be tempted to cheat in the future too. There is no advice I can give you to make her more horny. If I knew a way I'd use it on my bf.

Bottom line, can you go on another 2 years with sex every couple of months? If not, break it off, move on. If so, deal with it, get used to toys and the occasional romp.

Oh, and by the way, sex doesn't need to take 30 minutes. Ever try to just involve her in a quickie? Maybe she just doesn't want to do it for a half hour. Maybe shorter, more frequent sessions would be nicer for her? I dunno. Just a suggestion. I feel your pain. Wish I could help more!

[SexualDeficit]

Thank you Lilly2279 for taking the time to read my post.
I don't intentionally try to take a long time with sex it just takes longer for me to climax knowing no matter what I do it isn't benefitting her.
The residency is actually 4 more years and I'm not really sure life will slow down that drastically after that but I can bite the bit and find out I guess.
Thanks, and good luck in your situation as well.

[canoestripper]

SexualDeficit, WHOA. This is similar, but magnitudes above my situation. I have high drive, wife has low drive... Not the time to get into that now.
The way I see this you have 2 choices: love or sex. I think from reading your post that this girl loves you. If you love her enough to nearly give up sex for the rest of your life, then stay. If, however, you can't give up sex, it should be over. She is not going to change to an extent that you will be happy and as the wise Lilly said: "You will probably be tempted to cheat in the future too. There is no advice I can give you to make her more horny." Find someone you love that will enjoy having sex with you.
Putting myself in your shoes, I don't think I could have made it as long as you have. Do you wonder why she has had so many short term relationships? Sounds like the other guys couldn't handle it. Man, you are a saint. I hope this helps you. I wish I knew the magic words to help you both. Good luck.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (SexualDeficit @ Aug. 04 2005,11:29)]Eventually it gets to a point where we have a 5 min heart to heart when I ask her to define her priorities. When our problems rank down below daily exercise and upon examination she has a plethora of logic for why, I break up with her.

My suggestion is that you just keep reading those two sentences over and over And ask yourself what sort of relationship you are going to build with this person and I'm not just thinking sexually.

I realize med school can be grueling... but how she copes is how she copes.

This sounds like a relationship issue, not a sex drive issue. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you and the relationship are that unimportant?

It might be time to take a hard look at yourself instead of her and her problem. Whether it's intentional or not, she is using the problem to control you, as in resenting any pressure you apply, etc. It sounds like she might love you because of your patience and willingness to accept her. That's great in theory, but not in practice. She should love you for you and that should include your needs and wants.

Are you saint? Perhaps. Since I'm given to pithy sayings, remember this: The problem with being a martyr is you have to die to get the title.

[Brandye]

Sexual Deficit raises many issues that are appropriate here, in Pleasing Him or in other places. I shall respond clinically and then personally. There is an old as can be sexual tension between men and women over sexual frequency. There is a biological basis to this.

In the male the testicles are constantly producing sperm and the vesicles are constantly producing semen. This is partially absorbed back into the body but the quantity produced must be ejaculated. Wet dreams are simply the body disposing of the excess semen and sperm that has out grown the storage capacity. Most younger teen males learn that this can be disposed of at their will – masturbation. The point is simply that the male NEEDS sexual relief. It varies from man to man but the need is very real. In addition to the individual male needing release, the future of the human race is dependent upon male orgasms. No ejaculation, no more people.

The woman has no such compulsion. About a quarter never in our lives have an orgasm and, sadly, many of those do not care or give up trying. For us, orgasm is a learned response not a biological requirement. Nature cares less whether or not we have orgasms because we can get just as pregnant feeling nothing as while coming.

With their natural drive and need, men tend to not recognize that women are not as frequently receptive as they. We women tend to ignore the male imperative. Teen boys often jack off once a day or more; women, weekly or less frequently. My girlfriend and I cuddle every night and once or twice a week either or both of us reaches an orgasm. A man and a woman cuddling naked will leave a man with need for release. In younger males, this is especially true.

What is the resolution? No one really knows but I have, when cohabiting with a male, developed my own approach. The first lengthy period of living with a man was in med school with long days and great demands on our time and we were both exercise nuts so that had to worked into our schedules. The second was with a fiance and we were in a rather demanding post-doc program living, sometimes, in rather primitive conditions.

My action was simply to brush my hand down his front as we said good-night. If there was any sign of partial erection, I did something about it – digitally, orally or vaginally – my choice. Any sexually competent woman can finish a guy off in ten minutes unless he is resisting. So I invested ten minutes in keeping him happy. In return, I got what I needed: a bit of closeness and touching each day and, when I wanted, whatever attention I wanted. These were not ten minute sessions but as long as I wanted.

In the view of SD’s girlfriend, and many other women, I wasted ten minutes a day; I felt that that hour a week spread out was a great investment. Sex never really became a bore. Most nights, I did my thing, for him, rolled over and we went to sleep; every week or so I got the attention I needed – always with a special feeling and appreciation. I do not know whether this is a general answer to the old tensions or not. I certainly did not want a long sexual encounter every night but I do want an occasional languid session with his spending fifteen minutes on each breast before moving on over my tummy. Or a slow tongue bath with a rimming that puts me through the roof.

Each partner needs to recognize that the others’ needs are different. Whatever accommodation is worked out is within that couple. The woman’s lack of participation is as insensitive as the man’s demanding attention. Face it girls, we have the upper hand and whatever we chose to do will greatly determine the relationship’s staying power.

SD, you may be at a dead end. No pun intended. But with such a lack of sensitivity to your needs, you are doing all the giving and not getting what you need. Probably one in three of my female patients complains about sexual demands. As a young doctor I tried to educate them a bit. Never worked unless they were really trying to save their marriage.

And, I can guarantee I could get you faster than half an hour!

[Rawbob]

Hi SD! Well, you certainly have received some great advice.....well thought out, rational, mature and consistent.....so, at the risk of receiving the slings and arrows from some who will read what i'm going to write - perhaps it's time to think OUTSIDE the box on this issue!

Just CONSIDER what i'm going to offer as a means to get to the core issue which, in my humble opinion is..DECISIONS!

Ok, here goes!

Sit with her, hold her hand, and say:
Honey, i've given our sexual issues alot of thought. We've looked at medical, emotional and physical issues about your lack of sex drive. Our counselor has stated that i need to just accept the fact that you are only interested in sex a 1/2 dozen times a year......and if thats what i have to do to keep you in my life then that's what i want to do. I love you,and i understand and accept who u are.

That said, I need you to consider and accept the reality that I do have sexual needs, and that since you're not wanting to meet those needs, that I need you to accept my going outside our relationship for sexual release. You know i'd much prefer to get all my sexual needs met by you, but since you can't, i need u to understand and accept this decision.

I won't bring her home, it won't interfere in our other activites, but I am going to find a woman i can have sex with to take care of these sexual needs and desires.

Ok.....so now you just have to sit and be quiet and see what she says! Bottom line,she's either going to explode with anger, break out in tears, or start promising to change!

I dont' give much hope for her to change, but i think its important for her to see how it feels to have someone u love rebuff your sexual needs - needs you REALLY only want to have fulfilled by her!

Hey, you've tried everything else, why not see how deep this goes!

[canoestripper]

I'd like to add four things:
1) It seems to me that she is using you and the relationship as a sort of crutch to cope with the obvious stress she is under from becoming a doctor. Hence the fearful reaction when you broke up with her. She has had many short term relationships, with this being the longest, and is afraid of losing it and having to start over again. You are comfortable. I don't know what to tell you to help with this, but it is the feeling I get from your post.
2) Rawbob's advise as a last ditch effort is, in my opinion, worth a try. Be prepared for a similar reaction to when you broke up last time, at least. She will probably give you the why are you doing this to us/me speech along with anger and crying and who knows wha else. It will not be pretty, but there is the possibility it will work.
3) I wish my wife could read Brandye's post.
4) Brandye, will you marry me?

[SexualDeficit]

Hey folks,
I have come to realize by reading your gracious responses that wisdom lies in the many. Collectively you've all given me greater insight than a trained therapist.
Thank you: Lilly2279, Rawbob, WallyLlama, & Dr.Brandye. I actually had come across the factoid of 10-15% of Women who never have an orgasm and my gf has actually used that in her responses to my inquiries more than a few times. I regret I have recently brought up the subject of a separate physical partner evoking a solemn response that let me know I had delt a significant blow to her esteem. I felt like such a scumbag for making her feel that way.
I have to admit I may write in a sense that makes me sound angellic but for shame,I do not mean to. I do admit at times I withdraw with continued sexual rejection. It takes days to weeks before I can work past my emotions to be flirty and fun with the gf again. So don't get me wrong. I am not angellic but thanks for the consideration.
By the way, you are all inducted into a theologic hall of sainthood for taking the time to read my post. Sorry, no christian reference intended.

[SexualDeficit]

Sorry folks forgot to thank Canoestripper as well! Unintentionally but it might appear that way by my use of bold lettering.
Things turned a bit more on the downside recently. I'm not sure what to think; rather I think I am trying to dissuede my thoughts of what I feel is true.
Terse Version: Again situation where there was no consideration for an attempt to meet needs and nuture the relationship. Brought it up a few days later in a very diplomatic way and just asked for a bit more awareness in the future. Didn't know how wrong I was! Huge fight. She ended up screaming, which I won't ever let myself do, so I went for a long walk. Later in tears she admits things shouldn't be like this but she thinks these problems would be reoccurent with anyone else. We strive on.
Also played the BLUNT 100 question game to see if there was any kind of attraction deterrent that I was emitting. Listed my faults, hygiene, habits, physical features, mental stimulation, etc.... Even with insistence on honesty no clues.
Hardwork and persistence must pay off sometime right?