love one man/in love with another

[tabooty]

I have been married 14 years and been cheated on several times (I think he's been faithful for the last 7 years or so). I tried to forgive and have been faithful until recently, but I'm still not getting what I need at home, emotionally or sexually. I swear I have fought every urge to cheat for many years. But now I love one man, and am in in love with another (sorry if it sounds rediculous). When I say "in love" I mean I feel that the words beauty, passion, peace (although temporary) and other words of the like have a whole new meaning beyond description. Needless to say, I stopped fighting the urge for a short time. I am so torn. I really do not want to hurt the man I am married to. We have been talking about splitting up, but neither one of us wants to hurt the other or be alone. Technically I am alone, just not by myself. But until recently, I have never been about "myself". I have done something horrible (it is our friend) and caused myself so much inner turmoil. I hate hurting other people and have walked right into this one. I believe I am going through some kind of serious change in my life. Any thoughts on this for me?

[WallyLlama]

Thoughts for you...

You have a complex situation on the one hand, but on the other, perhaps not so much so.

Of late, I've been realizing how relationships serve purposes and the best relationships are those where the two people involved agree on the purpose and then let the purpose drive the relationship.

It would be absurd to suggest a course of action to you without knowing a lot more... but what you seem to be describing is a relationship (marriage) based on "not hurting each other" and "avoiding being alone." But you've also indicated that you are not getting what you need emotionally or sexually, thus you've started another relationship to serve that purpose.

The difficulty is, of course, deciding which of the two relationships are going to bring you the most happiness and satisfaction, thus the turmoil you describe.

People do change and their needs change... perhaps you are going through some "serious change" in your life... a key aspect of making change successfully is to focus on what you want when the change is complete. In that way you can maintain a lot of control over what happens to you.

I'd suggest you start there... don't do comparison between the two guys or the two relationships. (Admittedly hard NOT to do.) Since you are alone, in a sense, spend sometime with yourself productively... figure out who you are and who you are becoming... what you want is more important than who you want at this point. When you know what you want, the who gets easier.

[cjjae]

I know how you feel I've been married for 11 years and our marriage is far from good, I fought to not cheat , but then it happened, I have been having a relationship with a friend, He was my best friend when we were in school, then become good friends w/ my husband. we both guilty , and swear we are not going to see each other , then wind upin each others arms, I love my husband ,we have 2 beautiful children together, I really put up with more than i should from HIm, I find myself longing for with my lover and he would like more too, but he loves my kids and thinks they should be with their dad. So you not the only one that loves one man and in love with another