Sex Life in the Toilet

[underpressure]

Married 5+ years, 2 kids but both great kids.

My wife and I are both pretty busy, between working (she works parttime, I own my own business) and the kids, but our sex life is really in the pits.

She is willing to have standard..."put it in me, til you're done" sex a few times a week but she is never actually interested in the act of sex.

If we do go for the big "Night of Sex" she has to lay there and try get herself worked up for 15 minutes before anything goes on, then if something doesn't go exactly as planned before she gets "all the way in the mood" then its all off for the night.

When we do have full blown sex and we both orgasm, then its great for both of us...our problem is, she never wants to do it.


Since our sex life went down hill we've tried introducing movies and toys into our life to try excite things, and that works fine...once shes turned on.

We talk openly about our sex life...quite often a frustrating conversation...so communication shouldn't be an issue.

Has anyone else had the problem where your wife just seems to lose all interest in sex? Is there a physical problem, or is it mental?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Sailormanjack]

"Has anyone else had the problem where your wife just seems to lose all interest in sex? Is there a physical problem, or is it mental?"

Dear [/B]underpressure,[B]

Your questions (above) sum it up. I doubt if anyone here can answer the questions. As to whether your wife has a physical problem (possible but not likely), only a thorough examination by a physician can produce an answer.

Having determined that your wife is healthy, the two of you should go to couples therapy. Often, just a few sessions will work wonders. Phone a large hospital in your area and ask to speak to a social worker who will then be able to refer you to a therapist who can help.

[foxglove6]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Sailormanjack @ July 30 2005,03:20)]
"Has anyone else had the problem where your wife just seems to lose all interest in sex? Is there a physical problem, or is it mental?"

Dear [/B]underpressure,[B]

Your questions (above) sum it up. I doubt if anyone here can answer the questions. As to whether your wife has a physical problem (possible but not likely), only a thorough examination by a physician can produce an answer.

Having determined that your wife is healthy, the two of you should go to couples therapy. Often, just a few sessions will work wonders. Phone a large hospital in your area and ask to speak to a social worker who will then be able to refer you to a therapist who can help.

Hey I hear you brother. I am 49 years old and have been married to the same woman for 20 years. I was raised in a religous enviroment and was taught the save sex for marrage and God would bless the marrage. I did have sex before marrage but I didn't go looking for it. My wife and I love each other but my sex life has never taken off. He doesn't like to french kiss, no oral sex, sex in one postion, sex about once every 6 weeks. She says she's satisfied. I try to keep myself in shape by running, biking and Karate. My wife is sedentary. I did buy her the book Becoming Orgasmic. I doubt she read it. A coworker invited me to join her and her husband for a threesome. Althought I would never do it, I found it intregign and was flattered that I could still turn a woman's head. I did bring up my concerns over my lack of sex. She says she gives me 100% but for me it's "man on top, get it over with quick" I feel the church lied to me..to save it for marrage..and I'm still saving it I've done everything I can think of. The wife is ridged and defenseive when talking about sex. Any suggustions?[QUOTE][CODE]

[LittleFury]

Marriage counseling. Thats probably gonna be the only way. Also, see if you actually have enough time to spend togehter, like to just be able to chill out and relax. Becuase if you don't, that can be a real damper. BUt best thing would be marriage counseling.

[oberon]

Hmm... I think LittleFury is probably right, but...

You say you've "introduced movies and toys"... how about romance? Women- in general- don't usually go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds like most guys do. It takes them a while to "warm up".

You might try a little wining and dining. Bring flowers. Pamper her a little. Flirt. Make her feel sexy and she just might act sexy.

Good luck.

[?wiseman?]

Good to see Oberon and LittleFury still handing out sage advice on this board. Tho I think counseling is premature.

A few points to think about:

This is NOT at all unusual. The fact that she's "willing to have standard...'put it in me, til you're done' sex a few times a week" tells me that she's a loving and nurturing person. She wants to please you despite the fact that it's not always satisfying for her. And after 5 years of marriage, that's pretty frequent anyway. I don't know how you find the time.

Jobs, kids, bills, stress, fatigue are all sex-life killers. I have no way of knowing your family situation. But if it's like the vast majority, that mean's your working long self-employed hours. She's working a part time job outside the house and a fulltime job inside the house. Wife, mother, cook, homework tutor, housekeeper, etc. Yes, that's a generalization.

My wife and I have been married 20-years and both have full-time, professional positions. I can't expect her to come home every day at 5pm, cook dinner, work on the kids' homework, etc. So I do the cooking and cleaning and work with the kids so she's not overwealmed when she gets home.

Is it possible that she's simply in over her head? Needs a bit of help around the house? As said, I'm not being judgemental because I don't know your particular situation.

My advice is to continue to communicate, but take the communication to bed with you. What she likes this week may be different from what she wants next week. For the next couple months, focus on the quality of your lovemaking (that's LOVEMAKING!), not the quantity. From your post, it sounds like you want the quality more than the quantity when it gets right down to it. And don't forget to make it her night ONLY once in awhile. All the action is focused on her- not you.

And while movies and toys can be a great addition to a good sex life, they're not the silver bullet (pun intended). They're like screwdrivers. Sometimes you need a slot head and sometimes the job takes a philips. First you have to figure out if you need a tool, and then pick the right one for the task at hand.

Be patient and don't stop the communication. You're in for a lot more ebbs and tides in your marriage. You and your wife will need to work through them all together.

As for foxglove6, I'm not quite clear about how the church mannaged to ruin your sex life, but running off to join in threesomes certainly ain't gonna mend it.

[foxglove6]

I aggree with you wiseman, doing a threesome won't help and could only hurt the situation. I guess what I'm trying to say about the Church is that the Church is great at keeping you out of trouble such as unwanted pregancy and disease but poor at giving examples of what to do in a positive way. I't like "don't do this and don't do that". OK if I can't do this or that what do I do? Thanks for the reply. I do apprecate your oppinion