Major Mistake

[mssassypants]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, the last 10 months have been rough on our sex life. *In the heat of an argument (10 months ago) *I told him that the reason our sex life has gone down hill is because I wasn't attacted to him sexually anymore. *I completely said it out of anger ( I do that a lot, try to be hurtful during fights) I am attacted to my spouse, but now he has a hard time getting an errection. *We have not had start to finish sex since I said it. *He says it's hard to get what I said out of his head. When we have foreplay, he has a full errection, it's when we start having sex, he looses it!! SOMEONE HELP.

[JeffWld]

I didn't read anywhere in your post where since your hurtful outburst, what steps you've taken to repair the emotional damage that seems to have been caused.

Male sexual performance (especially the job of maintaining an erection) is very dependent on emotional state of mind. Your heated remark has obviously gone a long way toward damaging his ability to believe that you really are a willing, trusted and involved sexual partner.

10 months of dysfunction should prove to you just how deeply he has been hurt. Get some professional help.You have a lot of repair work to do.

[mssassypants]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (JeffWld @ July 20 2005,15:54)]I didn't read anywhere in your post where since your hurtful outburst, what steps you've taken to repair the emotional damage that seems to have been caused.

Male sexual performance (especially the job of maintaining an erection) is very dependent on emotional state of mind. Your heated remark has obviously gone a long way toward damaging his ability to believe that you really are a willing, trusted and involved sexual partner.

10 months of dysfunction should prove to you just how deeply he has been hurt. Get some professional help.You have a lot of repair work to do.

Thanks Jeff for your response.
The repair: Well, I have apologised a MILLION times, I have given him extra attention by telling him when he looks sexy, or that I love his new haircut, or his body looks good. I try to get close to him and it's like cuddling up to a statue, he is so intimidated about having sex with me, I have started to get paranoid, thinking he is sleeping with someone else, that I break down and cry and accuse him of not wanting to be with me. I know he hasn't been with anyone else, it's the fact that he avoids me whenever I want to get close to him.
He is a VERY mental person, tells me that is the problem, when we "start" he starts thinking in his head "Does she like it?" "Will I be able to perform?" and then he looses the errection because he is thinking about the stuff mentioned above TOO MUCH.
Regardless, he kisses me and hugs me all the time and tells me he loves me, it's just when the sun starts setting he gets all weird.

[lilly2279]

Well, I'll say Ms Sassy Pants sure does describe you well.

I think the labido and ego are very directly connected somewhere.

Some people, myself included, tend to not forget what people say in the heat of an argument. I always try so hard to make sure I don't emotionally damage someone during a fight - which means a lot of lip biting. My ex husband used to say horrible hateful thing when he was mad or drunk. It really sticks.

The only way I can think to repair is to go to a counselor of some sort. Probably a sex counselor. he has to get over that emotional block. If you're serious and really are attracted to him you are going to have to really make amends. I know you have tried.

Maybe, and this is a long shot, try lowering yourself to him. Tell him he's in control and that you'll do anything he wants. Let him get his aggression out, so to speak. light spanking, making you perform oral sex, pulling your hair, etc so he feels a little more in control. that may not be your style, but it's the only thing that comes to mind.

I'm sorry honey, good luck. And watch that mouth sassy pants.

[WallyLlama]

Let's cut to the chase, so to speak. It sounds to me like you have two things going on and both need to be dealt with without overcomplicating and just "trying" stuff.

First, often times the head learns quickly, but the heart learns slower. The process is called "emotional re-education" and it means in this case that while hubby KNOWS you are attracted to him his heart (emotion) doesn't FEEL it yet, in spite of your attempts by telling him he looks sexy, etc. Keep your program going... think of all the ways you can make him feel what he already knows.

Second, and perhaps as a result of the first, it sounds like he has developed a sincere case of performance anxiety. What a deadly combination! "She's not attracted to me... no wonder, I can't maintain an erection..." and the spiral goes on and on.

From your posts, it sounds like you have a good relationship in other respects, and that you are able to talk well. I'd suggest you open this up some more and work together on his thoughts and feelings. Look at how they are getting confused! When he says he thinks "Does she like it?" he's actually NOT thinking, he's feeling... and the feelings include a lot of self-doubt. In a sense, the problem is he's not thinking!

This entire bit is about you and him together embarking on a program whereby he learns to feel differently. Personally, I do not think things like letting him pull your hair will help. If anything, I'd go the opposite and suggest you should ravish him so feels your raw lust and attraction. (I'd did that recently with my lover and when she finally caught her breath she said, "Wow, talk about feeling wanted!" LOL

You both need to get the thinking right (sounds like you're close with that) and let the feelings follow the thinking. From everything you've said, I think (and feel LOL) you both can do it... you believe it too.

And learn to fight more effectively! LOL

[mssassypants]

Thank you all so much for the warm responses. I will start implementing the more "sexual" ideas and hopefully we can make it work without bringing a 3rd party into the mix. We will be spending the weekend at the beach, so I will update everyone as to my accomplishments next week!
I know..I know... about my vicious mouth, it's the Italian blood that runs through my veins!! It's actually gotten a lot better as I age!!! lol ( Believe it or not )

[lilly2279]

I hope it works out for you Sassy girl!

And, if you're not into my advice, that's cool. I couldn't think of anything to do because I just kept thinking how I would feel and how I would want to pull his hair! he he he

Anyway, it's cool people are giving you advice. I think a counselor may be a good idea, though. It seems like such a deep problem.

And Wally if you don't like my advice, just ignore it, there's no need really to write out that you don't like it. We know we all don't give perfect advice or else we'd be actual psychologists! I had assumed she already tried having sex with him to begin with and that's where the problem was coming from. I just really dislike when people refer to my advice and how they wouldn't use it. But then you already know that.

[Rawbob]

I think, after this long, that you do need to see some sort of counselor.....it's now etched in his mind and its' going to take a while to really TRUST you.....because thats really waht this is about.......think about it:

1) you said a very awful thing to him, and then took it back....so he now is wrestling with which lie you are telling...that you didn't mean it, or did mean it and are lying about wanting to have sex with him.

2) I'd not worry about him cheating, since he's probably got very low self esteem sexually, and so risking having sex with someone else who might say the same thing, is not too likely.

It's my opinion that the only thing thats going to fix this is time. you need to be very consistent and patient. Sorry to say, but you're reaping the fruit of an emotional outburst and have hurt him deeply..and only time and you being VERY consistent will repair it.

Some ideas? DATE AGAIN! You need to re-establish a connection with how things were before that fight. YOu need to get out, and change the environment. Take a long weekend and go to your fav. beach or getaway place. Trust me, sex in the bedroom over and over again is boring as sin, and also where he'll be most anxious! Get some wine and cheese, go for a walk on the beach, just change things up. DO NOT pressure sex, just start to re-establish trust...the sex will quickly follow!

[finewine]

Good advice above:

I will add the following:

1. Talk with him honestly and ASK HIM to speak his honest feelings to you. *Let him voice his feelings, fears, hurts even if he yells at you... but don't get defensive just accept the emotion from him.

A voicing of hurt in an accepted, loving, safe from retaliation atmosphere does wonders to restoring the trust, letting go of the hurt, and feeling cherished again.

2. Ask him what you BOTH can do about healing the hurt. He is as much a part of the problem/solution, as you are. It won't heal if it is expected that ONLY YOU should do something to make it better.

3. Tell him you were an idiot and don't know how to fight well and was not thinking at all about his feelings because you were hurting and thinking about your feelings and did not do a very good job of expressing them to him.

4. Make a promise with him to speak honest feelings of " I feel or I need" and no more hurtful phrases. *He should promise the same to you.

5. Always say your honest feelings about the situation.
It's ok for you to be angry that your sex life sucks.
Tell him, "Hon, we both are unhappy. Let's do something about it. What are we going to do to get it back the way it was when it was good and incorporate what Rawbob and Wally said above into your solutions.

Talk about your sex life BEFORE the argument. That was the cause of your comment. *Reverse the focus of time and go back to heal the cause of the comment.
It may help him understand that you were not attacking him personally but just stating that you were not happy with your sex life... and wanted (you fill in the blank with HONEST feelings of your need and wants not being met.)

Talk about his needs and wants and then together find a way to accomplish BOTH of your needs and wants together with understanding and cherish towards the other's feelings.

[Starbuck]

I think simply put is he dont trust you now.We have all said things in haste we dont mean.
Any thing nice you say now hes not buying it, it seems.
*He might think any thing your saying now is a lie to
repair what you said an thinks you still dont find him a turn on. You might have driven the nail too deep
Think I'd do marrage counceling .