Husband Lacks Sex Drive

[L8EBUG]

Well, Im new to this board, but after looking at your board and lurking for a bit before actually signing up, I thought someone here could help me, or give me suggestions...

My problem is my spouse. He's a wonderful husband!! I love him soo much. But he never wants to have sex. It drives me crazy. It's been two months since we have had sex last. The last time I initiated sex I gave him a blow job. He did not reciprocate, that was a month ago. We have sex about once every two months or so.

If I groan about it, then he'll act like he wants to, but by that time I feel like such an ugly ogre, trying to make her husband have sex with her that I just don't want to do it anymore.

I've talked to him about it. Yes, we do communicate. He's affectionate. Gives me kisses, hugs, tells me he loves me. I know he's not cheating because we are together all the time. He's not overworked, so that's not the problem. We don't have kids and aren't trying for them or anything.

I'm 30, he's 38. He is a healthy guy, works out regularly and is so sexy to me. I look the same as we did when we were married a year ago. I haven't gained weight or anything.

The sex drive has not changed. We dated a year before marriage and he wasn't overly into sex. so I guess I should have been forwarned. He smokes pot... would that lower his sex drive? He has high blood pressure, would that lower it?? other than that he's healthy.

I'm just so tired of never having sex. I've been talking to an old boyfriend and, of course he has the same problem with his gf and has suggested we just start hooking up to fulfill each other's needs. I said, of course, I could never do that to my husband... But lately I'm thinking differently. I mean, I've told him I want to have sex. I try to initiate it. Sometimes he'll say he's tired or something. He may tickle or play with me a bit, but then he'll get up for water or something and not come back. Do you know how horrible that makes someone feel? I miss regular orgasms. One can only play with their toys so much. I just miss making out, having hour long sex sessions, like I used to before him, having multiple orgasms, wild sex, etc. Now I feel like a nun.

The prospect of hooking up once a month or so with my ex bf is becoming so tempting. I think about it all the time now.

I even once hinted to my hubbie about going out and having sex with someone, he said to do it if that's what I want. He said he doesn't want me to, of course, but if I wanted to..

Geeze! I would feel bad to cheat and I would not want him to cheat. But his situation is different. he has a willing partner that would love to have sex just once a week or even every other week!

I've asked him why he doesn't want to and he says he just doesn't have a high sex drive. Before he met me it had been like 5 years since he had had sex.

Am I being too demanding? Too selfish? We've tried herbal supplements. He doesn't have trouble getting hard, he just doesn't freaking want to so the viagra thing wouldn't really be too great, especially with his high blood pressure.

grrrr... I just don't know what to do. I know relationships are not all about sex. I love him, adore him, don't want to cheat on him. But I'm in my sexual prime.

[Konman72]

Ok, I didn't read all of that lol, sorry. But I just have to say, DON'T CHEAT! Warn him, tell him that you have to have sex or you will LEAVE him. If he still doesn't do anything then leave him before you do anything. I know what being cheated on feels like and noone deserves that. He is in the wrong for not satifying you, but please don't subject him to that pain without first giving him full and complete warning.

[iamawesum69420]

I don't really think an ultimatum is the way to go in this situation. Yes it's hurtful to cheat but not only to the person being cheated on but to the cheater as well. Maybe you should read the whole post before you reply to something because she already says that she doesn't want to cheat and that she would feel bad about it.

Instead of cheating try masterbating to relieve sexual tension. If my boyfriend is too sleepy or busy or just not here it's what I do when I need to relieve the sexual tension. I know it's not always as good as sex and you want to have sex with your husband but it's a healthier alternative to cheating. If he doesn't have a high sex drive there may not be much you can do to change that.

[WallyLlama]

Well, I'm no sex drive expert... but I wonder if this is a sex drive question or a cheat or not question... or a relationship question.

Frankly, hubbie sounds a bit apathetic about the "problem" and doesn't, in fact, seem to see it as one. If he can get wound up enough to accept a BJ, he's wound up enough to be interested in your pleasure and satisfaction. He doesn't need Viagra.

If he seriously told you to cheat if you want, I'd say you have a very apathetic husband and you may need to kick him in the pants or something. You need to make him understand that he can't ignore you and your needs.

I'm certainly not capable of "diagnosing" why his sex drive might be so low... involving a doctor could be worthy considering. I suspect pot smoking doesn't help.

Frankly, I'd be less concerned with the lack of sex drive than the fact that you are not working together to solve the problem. Either he doesn't understand that it is a problem or he doesn't care. That's what you need to find out.

[Konman72]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (iamawesum69420 @ July 17 2005,20:18)]I don't really think an ultimatum is the way to go in this situation. Yes it's hurtful to cheat but not only to the person being cheated on but to the cheater as well. Maybe you should read the whole post before you reply to something because she already says that she doesn't want to cheat and that she would feel bad about it.

Instead of cheating try masterbating to relieve sexual tension. If my boyfriend is too sleepy or busy or just not here it's what I do when I need to relieve the sexual tension. I know it's not always as good as sex and you want to have sex with your husband but it's a healthier alternative to cheating. If he doesn't have a high sex drive there may not be much you can do to change that.

Yeah, I know, sorry. I'm in the middle of a cheat escapade so I'm both impatient and touchy about the whole subject lol. Sorry if I messed up or anything.

[Skyby]

I have to agree with wally on coming to the assumtion that your hubbie doesn't seem to care too much about this problem... i dont knwo what you can do about making him understand that this IS a problem....
Your right in saying relationships aren't all about sex but it does play a major role and you are right to be pissed. I think your should give hubbie a knock over the head and see if you can get him to realise that this is an issue before cheating on him though...
maybe suggest going to a marriage sex councillor? I dunno even know if they exist, saw in it meet the fockers, buy him a a book he can read or something???

[L8EBUG]

I have discussed this with him many times. That's the problem. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to him.

And it's funny that he thinks women cheat more than men because he says they cheat if they are not getting enough attention at home. He says that is why he always makes sure I feel appreciated. And he does, for the most part. He helps me out all the time, he tells me I'm beautiful, he'll rub my back, joke with me, take walks with me, put up with my crabby moods, hug me and kiss me, tell me he loves me and that I'm his baby, etc.

I have even gone as far as to leave notes around the house saying "your wife needs sex". He laughed the other day and said "I saw your sign". ha ha.

ha ha, not that funny to me!!! If you can't read and respond to it or to the NUMEROUS times I've told you that I enjoy sex and want it, then I'll go find it elsewhere. I think I just want to cheat, but then I think 'what if my cheating somehow broke us up?? then it would be all my fault that I broke up our marriage because I wanted sexual affection!'

Yeah, I know all about sex toys. I have plenty of them and have used them plenty of times. The problem is that they can't really really take the place of a man.

Konman, I know it's wrong to sleep with someone else, but I am so lonely in the sexual department. I am someone who was used to getting frequent sex before him. I meet him, fall in love with everything about him. Then I find out he has this little problem with being okay not having sex for long periods of time. When I hear girls wine about how they husbands always want to have sex, I just wanna smack them.

I guess I'm lucky my husband is so sweet, but sometimes you just wanna f***k too.

[Rawbob]

Ok.. a few things:

1) Yes, smoking pot CAN impact a person's sex drive. Everyone's body chemestry is different, so its not out of the relm of possiblity that pot could be and issue. IDEA: Ask him how he'd feel if you took his pot away and only let him smoke a roach once every 2 months...he might get some perspective on things.

2) If you dind't have alot of sex when you were dating, then, yes, you do have to kinda look back and think about that too. If it wasn't an issue bck then, he will have a problem thinking its an issue now. Oh also, remember when u were dating, you were looking for a life partner, and sex was just a part of the whole relatioship.

3) I would STRONGLY suggest you talk to his doctor about getting a blood test and see if he has low testosterone.....its NOT uncommon at all and trust me, its totally treatablel and you'd be surprised at how quickly the fire lights under his butt when he gets a testosterone shot.

4) you say he's got high blood pressure, is he on medication? If so, you should talk to his doctor about it or look up his medication onliine and see if there is any sexual side effects.

5) Therapy: Ok, may sound dramatic, but if he wont' talk to you about it, he may if you tell him that u want to see a counselor about it! Don't put iit off!

hope this helps

[Konman72]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (L8EBUG @ July 23 2005,14:41)]Konman, I know it's wrong to sleep with someone else, but I am so lonely in the sexual department. I am someone who was used to getting frequent sex before him. I meet him, fall in love with everything about him. Then I find out he has this little problem with being okay not having sex for long periods of time. When I hear girls wine about how they husbands always want to have sex, I just wanna smack them.

I guess I'm lucky my husband is so sweet, but sometimes you just wanna f***k too.

I understand, like I said, I'm smack in the middle of my gf cheating on me and so I'm VERY sensitive to it. I definately understand how your situation would do this to you, I would just suggest that you do EVERYTHING before cheating. That, to me, includes breaking up with him. But as I said I'm sensitive right now so just do what you feel is right, it seems like you've given him ample warning.

[finewine]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Frankly, I'd be less concerned with the lack of sex drive than the fact that you are not working together to solve the problem. Either he doesn't understand that it is a problem or he doesn't care. That's what you need to find out.

This would be my suggestion also, if you want the relationship to last long term.