Husband Lacks Sex Drive

[L8EBUG]

See, I don't feel lack of sex is a substantial reason to leave him. I don't think that's the right route.

Getting his testosterone checked sounds like a good idea. that may be very helpful. No, he's not on meds for his high blood pressure. He has his own business and does not have health insurance, as he's not financially to that point yet. So we really can't afford the medication. I wonder how much the shots would be? We've tried herbal supplements. He had told me before he used to use those when he was single. I guess he didn't even really have the urge to masterbate, but would use the herbal supplements every so often in order to do so.

Giving up pot... hmmm. that would be fine with me, but not so fine with me. He, unfortunately has an addictive personality. If he wasn't smoking, he would probably drink. When he's been out of pot before that's what he's done, drank. And yeah, that sounds f'd up, I KNOW. I'd rather he took a few hits of pot than be drunk.

If he wasn't such a great guy in all the other areas, I would leave. But that's the only thing holding me back. I've never been with a guy as nice as him. And almost wonder if the whole sex drive thing has something to do with it. He's mellow, loving and affectionate. Always says he loves me, etc. I don't know.

I dont' know what exactly i was looking for here. Probably someone to say "yeah, i would cheat too" who knows. It's not that he's not working with me on this issue, he just does not find it to be an issue. He has told me that is how he is. So, yeah, I'm dumb cuz I knew that going into it. I should be happy his drive isn't so high that he's out screwing every girl that crosses his path. I don't know.

I feel like just telling him tonight "Okay since you dont' really seem to be into the whole sex thing.. me and "Joe" decided we are going to have sex once a week. I'm friends with Joe, don't want to marry him, but enjoyed sex with him in the past. If you have a problem with this, tell me now, if not I won't rub your nose in it, but I just wanted to let you know because I need to have sex on a somewhat regular basis, k?"

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (L8EBUG @ July 24 2005,14:56)]I feel like just telling him tonight "Okay since you dont' really seem to be into the whole sex thing.. me and "Joe" decided we are going to have sex once a week. *I'm friends with Joe, don't want to marry him, but enjoyed sex with him in the past. *If you have a problem with this, tell me now, if not I won't rub your nose in it, but I just wanted to let you know because I need to have sex on a somewhat regular basis, k?"

Now that's an interesting approach. I'm not sure I'd recommend it, but something that drastic might get him to recognize the issue.

I wouldn't differentiate: not seeing it as an issue means he's not working on it with you and that's not healthy. If you know something really bothers your partner, why would you not make some effort to change it?

There is this difficult balance in a relationship wherein we love the other because of who or he or she is... but at the same time in making a couple sometimes adjustments become necessary in order to create the "us."

I think I'm one of the more open-minded people on this forum, but I'd have to say that taking on a lover doesn't sound like the best adjustment to make as a solution to this problem.

It sounds like you are concerned about the cost of testosterone shots if those would help... I'd suggest you consider the cost of a weekly romp with Joe, too.

[Tessie]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (L8EBUG @ July 17 2005,11:50)]grrrr... I just don't know what to do. * I know relationships are not all about sex. *I love him, adore him, don't want to cheat on him. *But I'm in my sexual prime.

I certainly empathize with you. Most of the time you see the reverse where the man wants sex and the wife is not willing. And of course having him just give into you because you have hounded him about it cant be a very good feeling I’m sure.

I feel the same advice goes both ways and that is your spouse has a responsibility to keep you sexually satisfied in the same way he has to work and help do the chores. Why does he get to be the one to decide you don't deserve a healthy, normal sex life with him. I agree with the advice of Rawbob and think the first thing should be a check with the doctor.

Cheating should not be your choice of action unless you have really thought out all the consequences. Are you ready for a divorce if it came down to it? You say you love and adore him. Are you ready for the feelings within yourself of guilt if you cheat? Would having sex with a willing person override those feelings of guilt? Or would it make the sex something you regret? Are you ready for the disappointment and hurt your husband will feel if he finds out you cheated? I agree with Wally and that you better really think of the cost of having sex outside your marriage and what that will mean.

I would try everything you can first, including therapy before you do something you may really regret. As for making yourself sexually satisfied. You didn’t mention if you masturbate? I know it’s not the same as having another person but it can ease the tension you must be feeling.

[L8EBUG]

yes, I did say that I have many toys and use them when necessary.

They just don't take the place of an actual man, the kissing, etc.

I don't know. I talked with him last night, told him I was unhappy etc and that I was feeling alone in the relationship. He hugged and kissed me and held me (of course, then would not be an appropriate time for sex since I was crying) and we watched a movie together and went to bed (to sleep, of course). Today he is still loving and affectionate, but I highly doubt tonight that he'll make a move.

I also am afraid I would feel guilty and dirty for cheating because he's so sweet. But sex does not seem like an issue for him. Like I said, I knew he had a low sex drive to begin with. I just got roped in because of all of his other great qualities. I would never consider divorce and I don't feel he is deliberately working against me. yeah, adjustment are necessary sometimes, but I'm sure lots of you have things you would rather your spouse do, but they just don't. Maybe that might even be telling you you're sexy, hugging you, holding hands, helping you around the house and always being good to you. would you exchange that for very infrequent sex? I know many woman who go months without sex because they just don't wanna. They have kids, they are tired, etc.

[WallyLlama]

Here's a pretty blunt question: Did you tell him you are "unhappy in the relationship" or did you tell him you are not getting enough sex? He can't fix the problem if he doesn't know what it is, and it sounds like he's trying to fix an "unhappy in the relationship" problem.

And you are doubting that he'll make a move... so it sounds like you are setting him up to fail. Frankly, you seem to be taking a defeatist attitude by repeating "he's just like that" and it's interesting that you feel you got "roped in" by all his good qualities. That implies you are helpless to change things when you are anything but.

Don't make him "guess" why you are unhappy...

He may not be deliberately working against you, but you may unconciously be working against yourself and him. Unless, of course, your objective is to rationalize a weekly session with Joe. If that's the case, you are making excellent progress!

[L8EBUG]

It would be really really great if people would actually read my posts instead of just answering how they want to or giving flowering poetic reasons as to how relationships are supposed to work. This is the real world.

Why ask a blunt question, Wally if it's already been answered? Yes, I communicate with my husband. I told him I was unhappy about not having sex. He told me he had a low sex drive. I thought I already covered this.

The reason I'm being nasty now is because I thought you guys actually tried to give advice and help on here, but you tell me that I'm setting him up to fall because I doubt he'll make a move? Umm, how exactly am I doing that? I put on a sexy nightie and sit down next to him on the couch and nibble on his ear and cuddle up to him.

Gee guess that would be setting him up for a fall. Seems to me like that would be effective, but apparently I'm not a pro like you.

I didn't freaking say I got "roped in" by his good qualities. I love him. Geeze. I just want to have sex with the man I love. Apparently that is way too much for you to comprehend. I would think that people on a sex board would actually enjoy real sex. Not just cyber sex. I mean that must be what you're having wally? Your profile says you're up north. Your girlfriend is in Florida? Apparently not having real sex is not a problem for you.

I actually like human contact.

So, okay then I'm rationalizing my weekly session with "joe" whatever. Thanks for your help but you're way off base. I don't make him guess why I'm unhappy.

Thank you, Rawbob for your valid response. I appreciate it. I'll get him to a doctor when I can.

[lilly2279]

I think a doc is the best advice. If he's willing to go.

If he really doesn't care, then meet joe. lol. I've always said that when men cheat on wives who never put out, they have a right. That part of a healthy relationship is not being fulfilled.

Women are on here all the time stressed about their own low sex drives. I guess it can happen to everyone. At least he's not out boinking his secretary.

Personally he does sound great. I guess in the long run you have to decide if you want him more the way he is, or if you'd rather he just liked to f*** and was an ogre and just sat around and drank beer. Yuck.

But doc appt is smart.

[WallyLlama]

One of the more amusing things that takes place on this (and every forum) is how when some people don't like or agree with the advice posted they:

1. Claim the poster hasn't read what they wrote or request that the poster not say (post) that they don't agree.
2. "Attack" the poster and make aspersions regarding his or her motivation, personal mental (or in the case sexual and relationship) health.

L8EBUG, since you seem very concerned about my sex life, I'd like to assure you that it is fine and note that I'm not the one who posted seeking advice.

If you don't like my advice or my opinions, that's fine with me. I can assure you that I'm not going to lose any sleep over your problem or the solution you decide to use. But the fact that I posted was not an invitation to you to judge me, my relationship, and my sex life. The time you spent "researching" me and my relationship would have been better spent considering your own issues.

That said, I'm finished here. Good luck with the path you take.

[Tessie]

What advice are you looking for here? Did you want people to just agree with you that you should go ahead and have sex with another man to fulfill your needs and not point out the consquences such action can have? You yourself have said how cheating will make you feel bad.

You need to remember every poster brings their own issues into any answer. We can only go by our own life experiences and what we know to be true. Your job is to take what you want and dump the rest. Attacking a poster is never a good way to handle your thread.

I don't judge you at all. I have my own very complicated life going on right now. The posters here were just trying to give you their opinions and suggestions on the advice you asked for. Take it or leave, just be nice about it.

[L8EBUG]

Well, there wasn't much to not "agree" with in your post Wally. You're the one who started placing blame on me saying I was setting him up to fall and claiming I said I was "roped" into a relationship with him. You were being nasty too, just in more of a passive aggressive way. I'm just plain aggressive.

Then being a smartass at the end of the post and saying if I'm trying to rationalize my weekly session that I'm making excellent progress.

Obviously that was not my intent or I would not have bothered posting on the board.

So, I'm glad you're done with my little saga. I don't need sarcastic little puns about my life. bye bye.

My intent, Tessie, and thanks for asking, was to get actual advice. Rawbob made a great suggestion of getting him checked out. I had little nagging thoughts in my head that maybe there was just something physiologically wrong with him and kind of just wanted a back up to maybe prod him in the right direction for getting help. (getting his BP in check, getting off the damn weed, etc.) Something to get us on track and in a normal fully loving relationship.

Of course I don't want to cheat! It think it's a horrible thing when people do it. Which is why I finally decided to just post on here.

I am happy people have posted answers to my question. As it is, of course, very important to me and me only, I guess. But I don't have to play nice when people are putting me down and acting like I'm stupid. Sorry. I won't change there.

So with that said, I'll take Rawbob's advice and see if something can get worked out.

Thanks to all who tried to help.