and I'm not. When he did thisNeed some advice....

[zeldafreak182]

EDIT: The title got messed up somehow so sorry about that. Could someone change it to Need some advice?

I've been in a long distance relationship with someone for six months now and before this we were really close friends for 2 and a half years but things have gotten a lot more difficult. We've been really frustarted and we were getting mad and upset almost everyday and snapping at each other because of this. We talked about it and we've been fine for awhile but that might be because we haven't been talking as much as we do and we're getting more time to ourselves. He's 19 and his Dad is always making him work around the house so he never gets to call me until 1 or 2 in the morning and by then we're both tired so this past week we've only been talking for about an hour then going to sleep. Last night we finally got to talk early (he was able to call me at 10) so we talked for about 5 minutes and then his aunt called and he said he had to talk to her. Well....I got pissed but when I started thinking about I thought okay well maybe he'll talk to her for 5 minutes and call me back but it was 45 minutes before he called. So I asked what his aunt wanted and he said to talk and I was really mad by this point. I didn't let him know what I thought about this just that I was mad because he would have blammed himself for it, told me he wasn't good enough for me, tell me I should leave him because he keeps making me upset and it would have started this huge thing so I kept it under control and figured I'd be over it by tomorrow but it's still bothering me. I really felt hurt by this because it made me feel like I wasn't important enough. He always tells me that he'd do anything for me, that I'm the most important thing in his life, he'd do anything to talk to me, and I believed him because I've known him for three years and we were best friends before this but when he did this it really made me doubt him. I keep thinking I'm second, and I'm sitting here being frustarted and upset because I can't be with him or talk to him that much and he's blowing me off for his aunt. I think it upsets me the most because I'm starting to doubt him when he says those things to me but when I think about this and re read it it really feels like I'm over reacting and making a big thing out of nothing. I just can't get seem to over this one so I decided to come here for advice. And sorry for the long post lol I just wanted to describe the situation better.

[WallyLlama]

Long distance relationships are TOUGH.

My humble opinion is that they either work extremely well (and that takes effort) or they don't. But in the final analysis, it's not about distance, it's about the relationship.

You need to tell him what you think and what you feel. He should want to know. If he gets upset and tells you that you should leave him, etc. you can tell him that is NOT the issue. You might tell him you need to feel more important to him and that him telling you to leave is having the opposite affect.

He needs to take SOME ownership of your feelings as you do his. They are valid... even if his lack of time to talk to you is unavoidable, he should want to understand how it makes you feel... much as you should understand his issues.

Make good use of the time you do get. TALK. Ask each other questions... don't use the distance as an excuse for relationship problems.

[zeldafreak182]

thanks I didn't think anyone would reply to this and he's coming to college here in august so I'm hoping things will get better then but I can't seem to get over this family thing....I think he did it again today (I won't know until he calls me later) and I'm still afraid to talk to him about it.....he blames himself for everything and thinks he lets everyone down and I'm afraid if he finds out how I feel about this he's going to get really upset with himself....I really don't like to not talk to him about this I used to tell him everything until we got together and I found out how upset he gets with himself....it really feels like I can't talk to him anymore because of how he reacts and last night he got upset with himself for some reason....he just told me about how he hates himself, etc. and he was like that this morning....I know I can't change him but I really don't know what to do about all of this....everytime I tell him something that upsets me or makes me mad he just gets upset and mad with himself for the rest of the night and it really feels like I can't even talk to him anymore about anything

[WallyLlama]

You're welcome...

I see two issues... one is the family first thing and the other is how he responds to your needs. I think the second one may be a tad more important... if you can "fix" that one the family one might be more manageable. (Him starting college could affect it as well.)

What he's doing (and he may NOT realize it) is manipulating you unfairly and training you to supress your needs. It's been my personal experience that people who are THAT down on themselves are really not, they are using their self-image as an excuse to avoid having to deal with others. It is an extremely selfish way of operating and it's very easy to become their victim!

Don't do it. No, it's too late. You are doing it. You feel like you can't talk to him about anything! That needs to stop or you are going to be in an extremely lonely relationship, long distance or not.

PLEASE make your feelings as important as his. That is the ultimate test of the relationship.

Simple: Tell him he needs to stop thinking only of himself. When he starts crying and beating himself up, just say, "See, there you go again!" You have to tough this out... you might even warn him that you are going to tell him how you feel and if he wants to have a pity party he can do it alone.

I suppose the responsible thing to do is to ask if this is something new... or whether or not it's gotten more intense... does he do it with everyone, or just you? You might also suggest to him that he needs to get counseling for his self image.

I also kinda wonder... his need to please his family... is that so consuming there's nothing left for you?

All tough questions... worth thinking about, but the most important thing to do is to make your feelings as important as his. Don't let your fear of his reaction intimdate you!

[zeldafreak182]

well when he does that I always get upset and sometimes he'll want to get off the phone but never does (that's usually because of me though) next time he does it I'll suggest getting off the phone for a little next time....he just stays mad at himself for hours and then we sit there and barley talk to each other for the rest of the night....he was a lot better last night then he was the day before (I have no idea what was going on with him then) I also thought about counseling but he doesn't have the money for it and I know his parents won't pay for it because I doubt that they know he's even like that so I don't think he could actually get it until we were together and had money (which won't be until another two or three years) I'll let him know how I feel next time and about what you said....everytime he makes me upset or mad he always takes it out on himself and I'm starting to get very frustrated with him but I don't know what to tell him anymore....he does this with his friends too but I don't think it's anywhere near as much or bad when he does it with me....he told me he thinks he's going to disappoint me one day or he's going to do something to hurt me and I'll leave, for example he got really mad when his dog bit him (he thought she betrayed him) and he was going to go kill her but I stopped him and when he gets mad like that he doesn't think and hurts people purposly....well he started hurting me on purpose but once he heard me crying he snapped out of it....he does that with everyone when he gets mad like that but when he did that he was extremly upset with himself and got off the phone with me and when I talked to him again he kept saying he's going to hurt me again like that and I'll leave....yes he did hurt me especially since he was doing it on purpose but I'm not going to leave just because he got mad and took it out on me...there are thousands of people who do that when they get mad and I try to tell him if I was with someone else I'd still get hurt and I'd still argue with them but he just thinks he doesn't treat me right.....I'm starting to get mad at him when he does this (especially when he won't believe me) and pretty soon we're going to get in a big argument if he doesn't stop as for the family thing....I'll talk to him about it the next time something like that happeneds and I'll take your advice and let him know how I feel about all of this

[WallyLlama]

Zelda, there are several HUGE red flags in your follow up post.

His wanting to kill his dog who "betrayed" him...

His hurting you on purpose...

Your comment that you are not going to leave him just because he got mad and took it out on you.

There's more, but you are describing a textbook abusive relationship in the making. The emotional abuse is already in place... and those who've studied abuse would say that how one relates to animals is a fairly good predictor of a potential abuser. I'd strongly suggest you start doing some of the things we've discussed (hanging up, making your feelings as important as his, etc.) while the relationship is still long distance and measure his response very carefully. If the present pattern does not change, you need out.

It may sound like I'm over-reacting, but PLEASE give this some serious consideration. You know the relationship is not healthy as it currently exists... you might think he's taking things out on himself, but if you analyze it, he's really not. If you cannot get more empathy for your feelings and more love from him, consider running. You will not get points for being loyal to him! Stand tall, tell him you ARE going to leave him if he hurts you and then do it.

PLEASE.

[zeldafreak182]

well we got in a huge argument last night....I told him I was afraid to tell him I felt because he always gets mad at himself and says I'm going to leave him, etc. and he got upset....then he wouldn't talk to me so I got really mad about it and it just started this huge thing and after about 3 hours we finally had a discussion about it....I'm not afraid to tell him how I feel anymore and I told him if he gets upset then I understand that but he really hurts me when he says I'm going to leave him and when he doesn't believe me when I say I'm happy with him so we talked about a lot of the problems he was having....he told me he was scared he's going to keep pushing me and I'm going to leave or that he's going to disappoint me so I explained to him that he's not going to disappoint me....to me it sounded like he pretty much got over it except for the thing about me leaving....he's always been kind of scared about that since he thinks very low of himself and I told him that's not how I see him or how I'm ever going to see him because I don't view him like that....I'm not sure how he feels about it today since I haven't been able to talk to him about it but I feel a lot better that I told him everything and that we talked about my problems and his.....he told me he believed me and everything but I still think he's afraid I might leave and I don't really think there's anything I could say about that to make him think I'm not going to so I hope he can get over that....and when he hurt me on purpose because of his dog....we both decided that if he ever gets like that again we should get off the phone until he calms down so I'll see how this goes

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ July 03 2005,04:36)]There's more, but you are describing a textbook abusive relationship in the making. The emotional abuse is already in place... and those who've studied abuse would say that how one relates to animals is a fairly good predictor of a potential abuser.

Wally's right.
That is one of the first/strong signs of an abuser or potential abuser.
I got that from my sociology of DV class

[WallyLlama]

In fairness to him, we all have our insecurities. He needs to learn to manage them as much as possible and realize that they are HIS - you may never be able to totally eliminate them, even working together. It can be a positive in a relationship, if it keeps you from taking each other for granted.

That requires a balance, though. If you don't keep standing tall you are going to spend the rest of your life/relationship reassuring him that you are not leaving him. (Actually, because I'm still concerned about potential abuse, I'd encourage you to tell him that if he is abusive, you WILL leave!)

Congratulations on getting your feelings on the table and making them important. Make it a habit! Make sure you don't assume total responsibility for his feelings... If you are going to continue to have these discussions, you might try asking him what specifically you can do to help him feel more secure. If he can't tell you (I'm guessing he won't be able to) you've demonstrated your concern and it becomes clearer that he has some work to do on himself.

Hope you'll keep us posted!

[zeldafreak182]

thanks....he always tells me that it's not my problem its his but when he gets depressed or blames himself I'd still like for him to talk to me about it even if I can't do anything because I know he likes to tell me since he usually isn't open with anyone else and if I were that way I'd also like to tell him my feelings and he doesn't do it very often but I'm going to stop getting upset about it....I know I can't do anything about it and about him saying I'll leave....I'll ask him what I can do about that but if he says there's nothing I can do I'll just have to show him that won't happen....as for being abusive I know if he ever did something like that he'd probably break up with me or tell me to leave afterwards so he probably know about that and thanks for all of the advice you gave me