My current situation...

[AsianKid]

Okay, here we go. For the past six months I have dated a wonderful girl. She's beautiful, intelligent, funny, unique, motivated, positive, and an excellent girlfriend. She is my first real adult relationship, and I am her first real boyfriend. She's 17 and I'm 21.

Most things about our relationship are great. We love each other a great deal and find each other attractive. We have similar senses of humor and I get along well with her family. We enjoy spending time together, which we do, daily. Everything on the surface is cool...

The low point of our relationship however, is that I'm a sexual failure. My penis is small, and while size isn't everything, I am certain it is one of the reasons I'm having so much trouble performing. Regular size condoms fit loosely, and though I measure in at about 5 3/4's and sometimes even 6 inches, it seems like my erection isn't always rock hard and probably feels and IS a little less. And even if it's not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean, I'm still a failure. Early on I had a predilection for ejaculating too soon, and recently I've had trouble maintaining an erection for even a few minutes. My ego/pride have been demolished almost beyond repair.

We used to have sex a lot, and I use to be hornier than a goat. Sometimes we'd do it a couple times a day, and in spite of the problems, we'd go at it. Anytime I could get her alone, we'd do something. Nowadays, it seems like she's gotten hornier, whereas back then even though she'd do it, she didn't always seem into it, and even admitted that we only did it so much because it seemed like I wanted to, and I've gotten more hesitant. I was told I'd get better with experience, but this isn't the case. I have gotten progressively worse it seems.

I am certain this is the one. I am head over heels for her and she has indicated that she wants to move in with me. In spite of all my sexual shortcomings, she still loves me. This is incredible to me and reinforces my belief that she is the one. But I would like to improve the sexual part of our relationship, for obvious reasons. I recently showed her her first pornographic videos, and she was mesmerized, I could tell. "Wow, he's big" she said a lot. Yeah, there all pretty big compared to me...

A lesser problem I have is an obsession with something in her past. While I was pretty much her first sexual everything, she told me once that she gave someone head, but refuses to tell me anything about it. This secretly drives me crazy. I know that she used a condom because she didn't want sperm in her mouth, and recently she said that now that she's given me so much head, she wouldn't even consider that incident head giving, which I assume means she didn't know how and did it wrong or something. The thing that drives me insane are wondering about the circumstances surrounding it, and who the guy is. I know that I'm not the first guy she's ever liked. In fact, I courted her. But she is pretty much a studious homebody, and even though I have so many friends who are promiscuios (and I myself have a few skeletons in my closet), the thought of her being lascivious irritates me so much.

It's really late, so I'll come back and reread this post and try to make it clearer and more detailed later. But please try to help me. I'm so frustrated with myself because I know I should be better in bed, and I know that she can pull someone (anyone) who is better in bed than I am. I try not to discuss it with her, but I know it's in her mind somewhere, and that she probably won't want to spend her life with someone who can only make her cum using his fingers and tongue...

Any input is appreciated. Thanks in advance...

AsianKid

[BunnyBethy]

I'd like to reply about what you said concerning the obsession with the incident in her past. I find myself in the same situation, only that I am the one to have been through that incident.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around the same period of time (6 months) and everything has fallen into place wonderfully. We both love each other very much, and have no secrets to keep from one another. Unfortunately, one incident didn't fall too nicely.

After I split up with my last boyfriend, I was a mess. It was an awful relationship anyway, but I just didn't know what to do with myself. I don't cope well with upsets and I am very prone to depression. I went to a party one night with a friend of mine who was only a friend. He was also 7 years older than me. He is very good looking, but I am not attracted to him. He took advantage of my situation, and we ended up spending two nights together. I do not give in to pressure, and so I admit that I consented. He asked to have sex with me, but I refused. I don't want to lose my virginity that way.

Anyway, this incident was at first quite troubling to my boyfriend. I too am considered a studious type, and I most certainly am not some kind of slut. In my situation, it happened because I was weak. This may, or may not be the same with your girlfriend. If she does not want to bring it up, it may be a painful memory that she does not wish to share. It may be hard, but you should try to respect that.

My boyfriend loves me. And he respected that what happened in the past is over and gone. It wasn't a nice topic at first because he didn't want to think that he was only good for the sexual side of the relationship. We discussed it, and because we have love and respect for each other, it was understood and resolved. The incident has never been brought up again. And it doesn't need to.

If it's upsetting for your girlfriend to talk about, this is perhaps because it is a painful memory she does not wish to remember. Tell her that you respect that. If then she wishes to discuss it with you, have it settled.

There is no point in worrying in the past when you and your girlfriend could be enjoying a happy present.

[stephjack76]

Ok I'll try to say what I think without being to lame
1-sometimes the size does matter (sorry) but that is if that is all the guy has going for himself, if he can't really perform.
2-your emotions need to get into check or you will lose her. what I mean is that your constant thoughts about your performance, is going to and probably is weighing on your relationship.
3-you really need to get over her past relationship or experience.

I have been married for 9 years (with the him for total of 10)
in the beginning we told each other everything about each other, all our dirty secrets, you know how many people, what was the best, what we liked, etc. We talked alot about sex and what we expected, or what we enjoyed. This has not hindered our relationship, it just made us more aware of each other. So now, 10 years later and three kids later, we are still having great sex, more often then other married couples, and we still love to explore and have fun with it. If your insecure, you really need to deal with it, whether thats counceling or whatever. And you need to talk with her, show her your post, let her know how you feel, you may feel like you shouldn't and that she wouldn't understand, but you'll be surprised, and just so you know, any guy who make a girl come using his tounge is AOK!!!

[AsianKid]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (BunnyBethy @ June 08 2005,04:48)]I'd like to reply about what you said concerning the obsession with the incident in her past. I find myself in the same situation, only that I am the one to have been through that incident.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around the same period of time (6 months) and everything has fallen into place wonderfully. We both love each other very much, and have no secrets to keep from one another. Unfortunately, one incident didn't fall too nicely.

After I split up with my last boyfriend, I was a mess. It was an awful relationship anyway, but I just didn't know what to do with myself. I don't cope well with upsets and I am very prone to depression. I went to a party one night with a friend of mine who was only a friend. He was also 7 years older than me. He is very good looking, but I am not attracted to him. He took advantage of my situation, and we ended up spending two nights together. I do not give in to pressure, and so I admit that I consented. He asked to have sex with me, but I refused. I don't want to lose my virginity that way.

Anyway, this incident was at first quite troubling to my boyfriend. I too am considered a studious type, and I most certainly am not some kind of slut. In my situation, it happened because I was weak. This may, or may not be the same with your girlfriend. If she does not want to bring it up, it may be a painful memory that she does not wish to share. It may be hard, but you should try to respect that.

My boyfriend loves me. And he respected that what happened in the past is over and gone. It wasn't a nice topic at first because he didn't want to think that he was only good for the sexual side of the relationship. We discussed it, and because we have love and respect for each other, it was understood and resolved. The incident has never been brought up again. And it doesn't need to.

If it's upsetting for your girlfriend to talk about, this is perhaps because it is a painful memory she does not wish to remember. Tell her that you respect that. If then she wishes to discuss it with you, have it settled.

There is no point in worrying in the past when you and your girlfriend could be enjoying a happy present.

Thanks for the replies.

I suppose it could be a painful memory for her. The thing is, since I'm her first real boyfriend, the circumstances surrounding this incident trouble me. If she was going out with someone before me, it would all be understandable and it would all make sense. She has never drank liquor or smoked, so mind altering substances were not the case. I know that I have devoted way too much time stressing over a trivial event, but I can't help it. I know she's not a slut either, and, it just bothers me that this happened.

I don't feel right asking her about it because I don't tell her things about my past when she asks me about it, because I have had some traumatic experiences as well. She's asked me a few times to tell her about my past and I've only given vague answers. Why should I push the issue if I can't handle the same type of treatment?

I love my girlfriend too and I think my inability to get over this has a lot to do with my own insecurities. I've discussed this with a few friends (not in detail, but the general idea of having skeletons in her, and their girlfriends closets) and we agree that if we love the girl, it shouldn't matter. It SHOULDN'T matter. But somehow, to me, it does. Maybe sometime down the line, if she and I last that long, we'll get things out in the open. This is a crucial time for us (she's leaving for college in a few months) and I don't want to ruin it by causing unneccesary arguments over the past...

AsianKid

[AsianKid]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (stephjack76 @ June 08 2005,05:02)]Ok I'll try to say what I think without being to lame
1-sometimes the size does matter (sorry) but that is if that is all the guy has going for himself, if he can't really perform.
2-your emotions need to get into check or you will lose her. what I mean is that your constant thoughts about your performance, is going to and probably is weighing on your relationship.
3-you really need to get over her past relationship or experience.

I have been married for 9 years (with the him for total of 10)
in the beginning we told each other everything about each other, all our dirty secrets, you know how many people, what was the best, what we liked, etc. We talked alot about sex and what we expected, or what we enjoyed. This has not hindered our relationship, it just made us more aware of each other. So now, 10 years later and three kids later, we are still having great sex, more often then other married couples, and we still love to explore and have fun with it. If your insecure, you really need to deal with it, whether thats counceling or whatever. And you need to talk with her, show her your post, let her know how you feel, you may feel like you shouldn't and that she wouldn't understand, but you'll be surprised, and just so you know, any guy who make a girl come using his tounge is AOK!!!

I've kind of accepted the fact that my penis isn't going to grow. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it's reality.

Yeah, it's like two different worlds when we're together outside the bedroom, and inside. I am my own hardest critic though, and after bad performances, which occur with frequency, I'll get down on myself and maybe put a damper on the mood a bit. I try not to let it affect me, but I really want to make my girlfriend happy. I want to have great sex and if I'm not pleasuring her as much as I think I should be, then I'll be down on myself.

I guess I'm at least AOK. And today, I could tell she was about to cum during intercourse but I didn't have a condom on and I was about to cum as well. It sucks that she didn't, but it was a huge boost knowing that I can still push her to those limits and she kept telling me as we were getting close that she could tell I was gonna cum and that "it" felt really good.

I'm going to try and have a light hearted conversation with her about this soon. She's told me repeatedly that size doesn't matter, but I'm a pessimist and I KNOW this is what any loving girlfriend would tell their undersized beau. Put my feelings out there (though I've done it numerous times) and hope that she understands where I'm coming from...

Thank you for the replies. Please keep them coming...

AsianKid

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (AsianKid @ June 08 2005,19:01)]I guess I'm at least AOK. And today, I could tell she was about to cum during intercourse but I didn't have a condom on and I was about to cum as well. *

You do realize that you well on the way to being a father with a 17 year old girl you have trouble communicating with?

Frankly, Dude, if you are having intercourse with her without a condom you are going to have a lot more to worry about than who she might have given a lousy blowjob to!

I know I'm a little grumpy this morning, but you need to start prioritizing, particularly since it sounds like she's about to move in with you.

[WaVeS]

It seems like you have a great girl on your hands. I'm not an expert by for so i'll tell you my simple solution. Viagra or some sort of pill your young yes but it might make things better you can get free trials everywhere, you might have to see your doctor and stuff but you don't know if its worth it yet. Secoundly, Just ask her not to bring up and her other experiance, and for her not to ask about any previous accounts for you. Plain and simple. Don't ask don't tell.

[lakers fan]

Asian kid I envy you. It seems like you have a wonderful girlfriend, unlike mine who snaps at me for asking any type of sexual thing, or just uses her vibrator telling me i don't want your useless dick. YES, we are having problems. Also, about your girlfriends past, it was hard for me knowing what my gf has done in her past and for a while, i kept thinking about it everyday all day. But if you really love her, then her past should not matter. You should just focus on the present.

[lilly2279]

yeah, frankly I think you sound a bit overbearing by being so concerned about her giving a failed attempt at a blowjob to someone before you even dated her. But yet YOU have "skeletons" in your closet?? What exactly does that mean? The girl should be pure and you should be her only one to have a history? Is that because you have trouble sexually and do not want them to know that there is better sex to be had out there? Come on!! Give her a break! If you believe she should be pure and have sex with noone but you then she is now damaged goods for the next man in her life. geeeze.

Here my actual useful ideas for you now that I'm done ranting:

Get over your insecurities.
Learn HOW to please her, whether it's with your hands or tongue.
USE freaking protection!
Get over and forget her "torrid" past.

In order to love someone you need to love all of them. Their past is irrelevant unless they went around slaughtering newborn kittens and puppies or something. Make the most of their present with you. For goodness sake she was allowed to be around other men before you.

[AsianKid]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ June 09 2005,02:28)]

You do realize that you well on the way to being a father with a 17 year old girl you have trouble communicating with?

Frankly, Dude, if you are having intercourse with her without a condom you are going to have a lot more to worry about than who she might have given a lousy blowjob to!

I know I'm a little grumpy this morning, but you need to start prioritizing, particularly since it sounds like she's about to move in with you.

Point taken. Though you have no idea what has transpired in my life nor could you possibly see things from my perspective, I understand that you are addressing the practical issues dealing with unprotected sex. Thanks for the input. I understand the possible reprecussions of our actions and I too worry about them...

AsianKid