Kind of confused

[Maxell]

Hi guys!
I'm new to here, and I'm sure you get all kinds of people with the same kind of problem... I'm just kinda confused. This is a long one sorry!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and she's great! We love eachother very much. The only 'problem' I find is that she isnt that into sex and stuff. Sure, we do it, (we are first time partners so she dosen't get 'pleasure' out of sex yet... but thats a different story) and we do other things too. I'm sure she likes it (as do I) but I feel like I'm the one who starts it... She never seems to make the first move. Its not because she's nervous or anything, I'm totally sure with that, because we are 100% sure with eachother It's either too early in the morning, too late at night etc, and she dosent seem to have like a sex drive, lol. (She is attracted to me btw )

Well, I'm great friends with her friends and seeing as though I'm always with them, I hear what they all say. One in particular says how much she wants sex and stuff like that. I can't help but wish my girlfriend was like that. I know it sounds crazy! I love her alot, but now I can't help thinking about her friend! She's realy good looking and great to be with, and I just want to... well ya know.. *

This is really bad thinking and I'm feeling depressed about it. I should be really happy in our relationship... and I am! I just want...I dunno

It's not like i prefer to be with her, cause I still love my love

I can't really talk to anyone about this, so I guess I gotta trouble you people - sorry!
Is it normal to want other girls in that way when you've been going out for so long? I know it's very wrong.

I'm quite confused right now, and any help would really be appriciated!

Thank you!

[Rawbob]

well...you're suffering from a couple "new to sex/relationships" afflictions:

1) New-to-sex-issues blues, and
2) The grass may be greener blues.

If you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to talk to your GF about sex. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but, sometime this weekend when you are NOT working and just hanging out....bring up the issue of sex. Come right out and tell her how much you love her, how sexy she is, and how happy she makes you. Then tell her that YOU FEEL she's not as attracted to you as you are to her. Tell her is just feels like you have to initiate intimacy, and that sometimes makes you feel like you're not sure she likes you. Start the conversation and talk! That's the only way to really address and fix the situation.

As far as her friend, careful. EVEYRONE does it...everyone looks at others and wonders what they would be like in bed......but lets remember....her friend can afford to say all that stuff...she dosn't have a boyfriend to fulfill her sexual needs...so just remember that. Your GF probably is nice and dosn't brag about the sex she has with you because she dosn't want to rub it in her friends face. Bottomline, you can LOOK and FANTASIZE all you want.....if u take it any farther....you're going to jeopardize your current relationship.

Hope this helps

[Maxell]

Hey, your right about the grass may be greener... and as we all know, it probably isn't!

I brought up the subject the other day... We are in a very open relationship, so I can talk about that with ease. (Didn't say about her friend tho, lol)

It hasn't made a difference, but if I do see one, wont it be like she's only changing cause I told her to? I know it's kind of true, but I want her to be her, not something I've told her to be! I'd feel bad and when it would come to sex, if she made the first move, I'd feel like she's forcing herself because of me - that wouldn't be very nice for her

The bad thing is, this other girl has a better body (I shouldn't be saying this!), as much as I love my girlfriends body (my girlfriend loves food and eats for the hell of it and has been getting a bit bigger recently...)That shouldn't bother me at all! It's like all of a sudden I've become really shallow! I don't know why this has happned, because I've managed to be happy for more than a year! Why the sudden change?

Just reading what I just wrote makes me sound like some shallow sex-crazed maniac only out for peoples looks! Which I totally am not!!

But when I think about it, I can't see myself dating this other girl, only doing sexual things.. and I'd never give up what I have with my girlfriend for that. But I just can't stop thinking about it, and fantasizing about other people while going out with someone else is very bad, isn't it? It's not a very nice thought thinking of my girlfriend fantasizing about one of my best mates, so I shouldn't either!

Thanks for listening.. I'm not sure if I can find an answer apart from time. It's just nice to get it off my chest, because I shouldn't tell anyone about her friend thing!

Any tips are greatly appriciated. Thanks Rawbob

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

Are you sure.. you arent IN Love with the IDEA of being in love?

[demonbuttercup]

I have trouble iniating not b/c I'm nervous but just because I'm shy and not a "take charge" kind of person.
I'm not really shy when it comes to sex...as in trying new things and stuff... but in a way I am a little I guess, lol.
My b/f just says he wishes I'd iniate more... I try my best. Sometimes you don't even realize you are doing something unless someone points it out to you. At first I didn't realize thats what he wanted from me.. now I do and can try to work on it.
Although, I haven't progressed very much , lol.
I'm more of a follower than a leader... thats just my personality I guess.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Maxell @ June 03 2005,07:31)]It hasn't made a difference, but if I do see one, wont it be like she's only changing cause I told her to? I know it's kind of true, but I want her to be her, not something I've told her to be! I'd feel bad and when it would come to sex, if she made the first move, I'd feel like she's forcing herself because of me - that wouldn't be very nice for her

You do realize, of course, that you are setting up her to fail!

You want her to change, but will feel bad if she does?

There is nothing more wondrous and beautiful than a person who "makes adjustments" based on his or her love of another. The key is simple. The changes aren't made solely because the other person wants them. In a somewhat strange way the two people blend together and have shared wants. In a strong relationship who wants what can get very blurry.

Don't beat yourself up for an attraction to a beautiful woman.

Try to stop complicating your relationship... do something different with you gf... start building on the things you both like and want. Actually start by making a written list. That will tell you a lot!

[Maxell]

Wow, thanks guys

demonbuttercup, you just described my girlfriend perfectly... I just guess it's her personality hehehe

Thanks again all of you, my head feels a bit clearer now and I'm sure things will sort them selves out! I'll try out that list idea.

Thank you

[demonbuttercup]

Glad I could add a new perspective

My b/f is trying to help me come out of my shell. Not just sexually but in everyday life. I would like to be more of a take charge kind of person... oh well, lol.

[finewine]

I am going to put myself in your girlfriend's shoes.
I am shy about initiating. I need to know why I am shy, but until I figure that out, I will be proactive in trying to be a better initiator.

Here is what I would do:
1. I would talk with you to see what it is that you are feeling and needing-- you've done that... you've told her that you would like her to initiate more...
2. I would give myself a specific day or two where I had to initiate and you would hold me accountable to it and lovingly remind me and yourself.

ok now I may not really know how to initiate...mmm.
so I will watch you and ask you to show me what you like.
"hon, would you like it if I came up to you when you come in the door and put my arms around you and tell you that I missed your hands touching my body while I am unbuttoning your shirt or unzipping your jeans or rubbing your lower regions with my knee while telling you this?"

ok now I need practice... I practice on my two days and then add a layer to it.. I email you some flirtations.
Where do I get flirtations??? try some dirty ad libs or take a look at some of the post between Jan and April this year on this site.
3. I do this for several weeks (3).
4. Then I add another day and add different variations to the initiation.
5. Role play with her the things you like. Model it for her.
6. Now she has developed a repertoire of initiations to use and can be bolder and more confident...

She'll get the hang of it. If you make her feel cherished she will give you the moon and then some.. and want to be more "take charge" just to see you smile.

She will start to be creative in her own rights.
LOL, if she wants to IM me or email me, she can.
I can be very creative in initiating things...
mmmm, now that would be a good thread to start....
Someone do that.
What do you do to initiate sex with your partner?
mmm, Has that been done already?

Don't feel like she's doing it because you are telling her.
Think of it as helping her explore a side of herself that once she gets comfortable with she may be more of a tigress than you dreamed possible.

and if I was in your shoes I'll refer you to Rawbob's comments in another thread about initiating sex.
initiating sex with partner

Wishing all good things for you

[Maxell]

Thanks for all that info

I read the link and it's very similar to my problem! and rawbob, your right about how if one has always initiated, then it becomes 'normal', so unless you point it out, one wouldn't know what was wrong!

In my opinion, I don't know if it is shy-ness, because we can get up to some pretty cool things and she's comfortable with it all. It's like a lack of sex drive! It's like driving is fine, exept it's starting the engine thats the real problem, hehe.

One time, I tried not initiating... and it took me 3 weeks of no success before I cracked
It kinda makes me think that she dosen't get horny at all unless I do something!

I'm sure she knows how to initiate, because she has done it like one or two times before (I think) and also I've done it so many times to her, it's just basically copying, isn't it? + she reads all these magazines with stuff like that in it lol. I'm pretty sure she isn't the shy type, and we are very comfortable with eachother!

Also, if I were to remind her to initiate, it would kinda ruin the moment... lol.

I guess I'll just work on it and see if it improves after talking to her.... but I have a feeling she's going to start her period, lol. Ahh well.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Think of it as helping her explore a side of herself that once she gets comfortable with she may be more of a tigress than you dreamed possible

Oooh, I sure hope your right

Thanks guys