Flirting during a relationship

[dom407]

I have been in a relationship for a year now with a great man. My boyfriend and I are both 19. He is absolutely fabulous and treats me like a queen. I love him dearly.

However, last night we went to a party. We both had quite a bit to drink, though I seemed to be much more affected by it than him, that is to say I was more, let's say, open to conversation with other people. He wanted to cuddle me and lay low. I find this to be annoying. I can't talk to other people without feeling guilty. I can't sit 2 feet away from him without having him pout. In a word, he's clingy. I've put up with it for a year now and it hasn't bothered me much so far. But I think that last night, I started to react to it in a bad way. When he would get up to talk to other people or get a drink or whatever, I would find myself deep in conversation with a guy I have always found attractive, but that I didn't know very well. This guy has a girlfriend, but a mutual friend told me that he found me attractive as well. We talked quite a bit and, well, that led to flirting. The flirting was subtle. He would put his hand on my thigh, and it could look innocent to anybody in the more. But it felt a bit wrong. The big part is that we told each other that if we were single, we would like to make love (he really used those words, make love). We enjoyed each other's company and we definitely had chemistry. Anyway, my boyfriend joined us after we exchanged that confession. The guy I had flirted with then asked me if I felt that way about many guys (wanting to sleep with them if I were single) and I said no. My boyfriend didn't know what we were talking about. We covered it up.

Later, when my boyfriend and I were leaving, I heard the guy I was flirting with say to his girlfriend "I love you". So, in a nut shell, we are both in year long relationships and we love our significant others, but we flirted anyway. What does it mean? Am I tired of my clingy boyfriend? What about the other guy? Is it just about physical attraction and chemistry, or is it something more? I'm confused. I can't stop thinking about him and that night. Sometimes, I even fantasize about him when I'm kissing my boyfriend. Am I killing my relationship? What could this lead to? Help... I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I can't help what I'm feeling.

[WallyLlama]

I see at least three issues, all interwoven:

1. Drinking and the affect it has on behavior.

2. Your physical attraction to another man.

3. Your boyfriend's alleged "clingy" behavior - or jealousy (there can be a difference).

Wrapping those three things around each other can lead to a very different conclusion than trying to separate them.

Your post emphasizes a physical attraction to this guy... a physical attraction is not necessarily driven by a problem with the existing boyfriend or existing relationship. I wouldn't use your desire to "prove" that there's a problem with your relationship any more than I'd use a problem with your relationship to justifty boinking the new guy.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying the fantasy. It sounds like a very nice one. Same with flirting in my book, it's fun, exciting... if nothing else it makes the time go faster at parties. LOL

On the other hand, you need to ask yourself if you want to throw away a relationship (and a guy who treats you "like a queen&quot simply because you got drunk and allowed your hormones to rage a bit unchecked. You're sober now, but you have a bit of a fantasy hangover, I think.

Is there really a problem with a clingy, jealous boyfriend? If that's your only issue with this guy who is great and treats you like a queen, why not work on that?

Don't complicate things too much.

[dom407]

Thanks for the input. I greatly appreciate it.

Once I read your reply, I realized that the alcohol factor wasn't really a problem. I would have flirted anyway. But I also realized that another big problem hadn't been made clear: my boyfriend doesn't understand flirting during a relationship, so I am doing this in his back. He's already clingy (yes, he's clingy, not jealous), but I'm not sure how he could react to this.

Any more thoughts?

[WallyLlama]

One thing I have lots of: thoughts. LOL

Clingy partners are an entire subject unto themselves. Sometimes it's a case of a partner who doesn't understand how to relate... they have this misguided, starry-eyed idea that wanting to be with someone every second (and expecting that person to want the same) is proof of love and that clingy behavior defines a close relationship.

Other times clingy partners are a reflection of the other person's psychological need... that's when the red flags need to be waved.

Jealousy can be a different issue, flirting can be a different issue.

Disagreeing about the amount of flirting that's "permissible" in a relationship can be negotiated - and it should be. If you and he have very different opinions, that will be a long term issue.

I'd repeat that I think it's important you not confuse your attraction to this new guy with any issues you might have in your existing relationship...

There are some other threads about "clingy" relationships that would be worth digging out.

[dom407]

Thank you so much for the input. It is greatly appreciated.

[secretly_shy]

Im a mega flirt, but im crazy about my boyfriend; i just have a flirtatious personality but i dont act upon it i'll hug them goodbye with a kiss on the cheek but i wont be jumping into bed with anyone apart from my man!

[dom407]

I'm starting to have a bit of a problem with my bf since the flirt: I love him, but I no longer desire him... We have been stuck in a routine in and out of bed. I still love him but... What now? Am I going insane? This makes not much sense...

[LittleFury]

No, you're not going insane...well...maybe just a little ;p
What you can do now is thinking whenever this is what you what, whenever he is a guy you want, if the relationship is worth it. IF you decided that you want to stay with him, you need to find ways to work through your problems, go spend some special romantic time with him, go on a small trip, go out and just spend time with him. Otherwise, let him go. Maybe this is a time when you can see things with a more cool head. I've been there before, and that got me out of abusive relationship. And me and my nw bf eben there as well, but we worked through it. It depedns on what you want and depends on the choice you make. Hopefully I made some sense here.

[dom407]

I've had a talk with my bf about what I've been feeling lately and I basically told him I want a bit more of social freedom. I feel as though him and I have become the same person and I want to detach a little and reconnect with my friends. I think that us being together constantly was the reason why my sexual desire for him has consideratly diminished (though I didn't tell him that part). He understands that I need this, but the problem is he doesn't need it. My passion has gone down but his is thriving. Could us being on different wave lenghts be a long term problem?

[WallyLlama]

Well, yeah!

Frankly, it sounds like you a deluding him (and maybe yourself) with your need for more "social freedom." Giving your desire in your opening post that label doesn't change what it really is... you want to "flirt" and see where it goes.

More "social freedom" is not going to increase your passion for your bf. While I'd agree that not having interests outside each other can get quite boring and lead to a lack of passion, that does not seem to be what this is about.

Frankly, I think you're rationalizing the potential for "cheating" on him at some level. In your heart, you are thinking he is not for you - be honest and tell him that. From the situation as you describe it your request means he's going to sit around waiting while you party. That's not the foundation of a good long term relationship. That would involve going to the parties together and mutually working out how you both behave at those parties.

There is nothing wrong with what you want. Be fair and honest with yourself and bf.