G/F losing interest in sex

[Houston]

Hi everyone. I think this is post #3 for me, and everytime, I have a problem. This new one is very troubling. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, and she used to be a borderline nympho. Now, she's losing interest in sex and is becoming ashamed of her body.

We talked about it. She says she feels vulnerable when she takes her underwear off. The other night, she even clamped her legs shut and said she feels bad when she spreads her legs for me. I know where this could go. At the very least, it will make our relationship less enjoyable; at its worst, it could kill the relationship entirely.

We've discussed it openly and neither of us have changed much since the beginning of our relationship, except that we've grown closer. She says she's more devoted to me than ever, but she just has no interest in sex. I also asked if its me, and she said that it wasn't. Even when we do have sex, many of the things she used to love now hurt her. Even something as simple as stroking her clitoris - she tells me to stop. To me, this seems like my girlfriend is throwing up some major mental barriers for herself, making sex painful for her and less enjoyable. Now we have to find out why she's doing this.

Anyone else encounter something similar? How did you get over it? I really want to please her, but I doubt I will be able to until she figures out why she feels this way. BTW, she is on anti-depressants and has never had an orgasm --- we're both aware that these are two things that could be contributing to her lack of interest in sex, but overall, I feel it is a mental block.

Thanks for any help offered.

[mmparks]

Well MANY antidepressants KILL the sex drive. Thats a major factor you need to keep in mind.. not just diminish.. as the package insert says.. but kill it. I agree there really may be some mental issues with this from what youre describing.
Sounds like youre very undestanding and I applaud you for that. I truly hope that you 2 can get these issues resolved. Saying that, I must also say that these may remain long standing issues and may require you to decide if you can remain as understanding and patient on a long term basis. ALso you can always speak to the prescribing Dr and ask if you can switch meds or figure out some way to help her with this problem. I imagine its just as frustrating to her as it is to you.

Best of luck to you!

[WallyLlama]

Amen to MMParks advice.

The fact that it seems to be "worsening" suggests more than a mental block.

Back to the Doc, pronto. It could be a cumulative effect from from the medication. Sex is a bodily function. If she stopped eating, she'd be at the doc's, right?

Frankly, I'd say the odds are very good this is not a simple sexual problem. Bear in mind that the "problem" (be it medication or mental/emotional) is not necessarily one that she can simply will away. It may well be beyond her understanding and your ability to help her. She may need professional help before she can understand why she feels this way.

Demonstrate your compassion with concern about her downward spiral about her self-image and vulernability - get her to the Doc and get her some help.

[Houston]

Thanks for your advice, you two. I appreciate it. The problem is that my girlfriend has been on many anti-depressants, and this is the only one that has worked for her consistently, so she and her doctor don't want to change it. I could suggest they try lowering the dose, I suppose.

Beyond that, is there anything that can "counteract" anti-depressants in what they do to the sex drive?

As for her mental picture of herself, I know this is something we're both going to have to work at for a while. I'm willing; I just hope she is too.

Thanks again.

[WallyLlama]

I would have to question just how well the antidepressant med is working based on your report of her attitudes and behavior. Get her to the doctor. You don't tell him to reduce the dose or take her off the med. You tell him what the problem is and let him diagnosis and prescribe.

You seem quite determined to assume that her lack of interest in sex is a side affect of the meds. That's a possibility, but it's only one of many.

So I'll repeat. It sounds like this girl needs some serious professional help. You and here are not going "work at" the sorts of issues you are describing and the spiral she's on. You might ask the MD whether or not counselling is in order. IMHO it should be required of people taking antidepressants.

[Houston]

I'm well aware of all the things you mentioned there. She is receiving counselling, and I also know that counselling by a professional doesn't necessarily mean anything. Sometimes support by a loved one can go miles ahead of a professional in helping one get out of a depressive state --- speaking from very personal past experience. Doctors work great for some people, but they aren't the "be all and end all" of mental health like some people seem to think.

Now, since I don't have any desire for this thread to degenerate into a discussion about her medical history, I'm going to stop that avenue right here. I know you're trying to help, Wally, and I appreciate it, but it seems like you're making an awful lot of suppositions and assumptions about she and I without knowing much about us.

I'm not going to turn around and attack you, but please, let's keep the advice in relation to the sexual issue, not her mental health in general. I take offence to that.

[WallyLlama]

You are absolutely correct - I have made a number of assumptions. Unfortunately that is the nature of the beast when responding on forums. You review the information people provide and do some "reading between the lines."

It was not my intent to delve into her medical history or her mental health.

You will also get no argument from me that there are some very incompetent Doctors and Therapists practicing. I've seen cases where therapists have actually created client dependency and made people worse.

My point was - and still is - our sex drive does not function independent of the rest of our mental, emotional, and physical being.

I'm sorry you find that offensive. Given that, I can and will offer nothing further.

[secretly_shy]

Focus your energy on being a good boyfriend and being there for her. I have suffered from depression and sex drive was non existant; lucky for me i have a great bf who just understood all i could manage was a cuddle and quick kiss, and it was a while till i was better, but now im glad we're still together i know not all guys are as lovely as he is