wondering about seriousness of boyfriend

[cowgirl]

ok i went snooping on my boyfriends computer and shouldn't have and i am kicking my self for doing it. my boyfriend was on the pc one night talking to someone and i was worried. so the next day i went on the pc and found out it was an ex girlfriend someone that has actually been to our house before. they talked about being unhappy with who they are with now she is married with 3 kids. and then they started talking about sex. my bf said that if they were to get together it would take awhile because there is other people invovled that will get hurt meaning me. I confronted my bf about this, told him that i was sorry but i snooped on his pc and found something he guessed what it was. he said it was all hypothedical what does that mean? he wants to drop the whole thing but it is still bothering me. He says he loves me, and only wants to be with me, and has been cheated on before and knows it hurts and won't cheat on me. Am I to believe all of this? what should I do any suggestions? If u need to know more about this just ask me I can tell u more.

[HngLkAMouse]

I'm probably not the person to chime-in... but I'd say once the trust is gone... move on!

[mmparks]

LMAO!!! Hey HNG.. I thought the same thing but wasnt about to say it first!!

I have a hard time with anyone if the trust has been compromised.. it eats at a person. Some people can take something like this and things will be ok.. me.. NOPE. Hopefully others that arent of my mindset will chime in on this so you get a well rounded bunch of opinions to help you make a more solid decision.

[twstychik]

I don't think him cheating is the issue here... I think the bigger problem is that he theorized about beign with her at all! If he's so unhappy why hasn't he said/done something about it. Did you ask him what he was so unhappy about? Why he felt the need to chat with her... instead of you? Why he'd even think about being with her again? Exe's are exe's for a reason... right?

[WallyLlama]

Well, as the scourge of 101, I'll step over to the other (minority) side of the line and suggest you keep it simple and consider just the basics.

You confronted him.

He answered that it was basically a game and included the statement that he's not going to act on the game they played.

One option is to believe him, you know?

I have one question: What could he do or say that would make you believe and trust him?

Until you can answer that question... you sorta have a problem that he can't fix.

I realize I'm probably a little less demanding when it comes to identifying behaviors that justify trashing a relationship, but at this point, I think this is more about you than him.

If you'd like a second question... are you absolutely certain that you can measure up to the standards you are setting up for him?

Just some food for thought.

[vagabondprince]

when you mentioned them talking about being unhappy with whom they're with now, did he mention being unhappy with you? if so, you might want to find out how he's unhappy. Unhappiness is one of the biggest things that lead to cheating if it ever occurs. Right now it's just an internet conversation, so it's nothing much to worry about. Maybe it was just a way for him to vent some thoughts. I don't have any advice about how to take it or what to do, but the rest of the posters have done a decent job

[cowgirl]

That is true why couldn't he talk to me we do anyother time. Y didn't he tell me also when she was here at our house that she was an ex grilfriend. It just hurts and it still hurts and I don't know how to talk to him about it. We have only had maybe 2 or 3 fights if that since we have been together for 2 yrs. I know thiscan hurt us but he just acts like nothing happened at all and has went on with everything. Sex is better between us, and he tells me he loves me more then usual. Is that a good sign? I just want to talk to him about it and maybe get a better understanding about it all. He has 3 kids and I watch them before and after school while he is at work since I cant find a job yet. I feel like the live in babysitter at times just here to take care of the kids and give him sex help

[Rawbob]

Well.....your second post, combined with your 1st post sheds a bit more light on the subject - not so much as to what HE was saying, but how YOU are processing the information.

1) You don't have a job, and are basically a surrogate stay-at-home mom to his kids, you keep house, and are there when he comes home, and you have a good sex life. So, you have A LOT of time to think about this and really mabye even OVER think it.

I challenge anyone who talks on the internet (to ex's or strangers) that we all are guilty of saying things that we are thinking or that they want to hear that we would probably NEVER really act on! I know i have.

Now, the fact that he dosn't want to talk about it dosn't mean he's forgotten - i'm sure he hasn't and it sounds like u arent letting him forget either!

Instead of being confrontational, if i were you i'd focus more on being more open in discussing what you both can do to keep your relationship happy and healthy - not argue over a past love.

It sounds like he's regretting not only u reading the letter, but that he knows how it would hurt you if he ever DID break up - and he knows what it's like to be cheated on. Perhaps he's learned his lesson and is ready to work on his relationship with you and not just reacto to an irrational moment of online banter.

As far as her being his exgirlfriend, i think he now knows that he can't just pretend like you don't KNOW who she is. I'd be surprised if he invited her over again or really chatted online with her again - that does NOT mean he's not callign her from work or emailing from the office, but ya know what, unless you have CAUGHT him cheating you can't accuse him! So, go gently down that road!

Take it a day at a time, focuse on YOU 2, and not on Him and his ex!

[Arodine]

One thing I've learnt from situations that I've experienced like yours is... If you have any doubt, then there is no doubt

[cowgirl]

WEll Rawbob You said it all That is pretty much the way things are. I do have alot of time to think about things, and yes I do wonder whether or not heis calling her while he is at work. (he drives a semi) or if she is calling him, sometimes his phone will ring when he gets home and he goes outside or to the bedroom and it all makes me wonder. With the sex being better and more often, but is he thinking of me or her. I have a hard time sleeping at night because I think of their conversation and wonder if it is going to stop or happen again. And I want to talk to him about it again but Am scared to do so. thanks for the advice