Porn, sex, and depression

[Lily]

Long post ahead.

I figured i might as well post a few of my relationship problems all at once so i don't have to make multiple posts.

My bf and i have been together for a little over 2 and a half years. We also live with my mother (which is extremely stressful), and we're both 23.

In the beginning our sex life was great. We'd have sex 5 times a week, sometimes more. About a year ago my sex drive started to decline. It's gone from 5 times a week to once every 4 months, sometimes longer. My bf has stated that over 2004 we only had sex 5 times. (By now you've probably figured out i'm prefectly fine not having sex long periods of time.)

I've had depression since i was 14 or so, i'm not on medication for it, nor have i even taken any. I'm pretty sure this is causing the majority of my problems. (I have a horrible self image.) My boyfriend also has depression, so he understands...although i think mine is much worse than his.

Since my bf isn't getting any, he's started looking at porn. I have a HUGE problem with porn, and he knows this. He stopped looking at it for awhile, but started sneaking around and paying for porn sites. Sometimes i wake up and catch him looking at it. It makes me extremely angry and hurt. He says he needs "release", and "stress relief".

Last week i woke up and caught him masturbating to porn. It was the day after my birthday, and i flipped out. I didn't show him any affection for 3 days. I know he knows it makes me feel like shit when i catch him looking at it.

He says if i start having sex with him at least once a month that he will stop.I'm not going to have sex with him just to insure he doesn't look at porn. I barely have a sex drive, and forcing myself to have sex with him is just going to make me feel worse.

My bf also has bad hygiene, he doesn't shower most of the time when he gets home from work, and he doesn't brush his teeth that often.

I've told him that i might be more willing to have sex with him if he brushed his teeth more often. He claims i'll just think he's doing it to get laid. I told him that if he made it a routine that i wouldn't think that, but he still won't do it.

He says i want him to make all these changes, but i'm refusing to do the same. I would change if he'd do it first. I don't want to be close to someone that smells like something died in his mouth and has been rotting for years.

My biggest issue right now is the porn. I'm constantly thinking that when he's in our room on the comp that he's looking at it. When i wake up and he's on the comp, i look at the screen to see if he's looking at it. I bring it up all the time, i keep talking about it because i can't deal with it. Of course bring up porn pisses him off to no end.


I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure if i should try and fix this or just keep not having sex with him, and let him have his porn.

Oh...and to those that might sugguest us looking at porn together..it's not going to happen. I cannot get aroused by porn at all. (The first porn i saw had Ron Jeremy in it, and he has scarred me for life, i can barely look at him, lol.)

[thetease13]

Most people will probably not agree with me here but I'm going to say it anyways.

You personally may not need the release very often, but he is not you and he may need that release. Everyone is different. Just cause you don't need it doesn't mean everyone else doesn't need it either.
Sex and masturbation are great stress releases and they help you relax in general. Sex also helps with minor depression.

I say if he wants to look at porn, then let him look at porn. I'm sorry you have your issues with it for whatever reason, but really, it's just porn.
He's not gonna meet these people in it. Most people look at porn just because it'll help them get a release faster. Most people get off on the sounds rather than the actions themselves. Other people get ideas from it. My guy finds it amusing that I learned how to give a blowjob from porn, but it's true. I never gave one to anyone before him and I just learned by watching and apparently, I give a helluva blowjob.

And it's probably true, if he got it more often, he probably wouldn't look at it so much.
And it's like a forbbiden pleasure. By you telling him no and getting after him watching it, just makes him want to watch it more.

It could all and all be worse. He could be off getting his kicks somewhere else because you won't give him any.

And on another note: I want to know exactly what game you're playing with him. "I'm not gonna do it if you're not gonna do it". Did we not learn as a kid that doesn't get very far?

Relationships work on compromises. Sometimes you gotta do some things in order for the other person to do somethings in return.

It personally looks like to me that you two perhaps either need to go your separate ways or at least take a break for a while and take some time off to work out your issues with each other and issues with yourselves.

[Lily]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (thetease13 @ Mar. 27 2005,14:54)]And on another note: I want to know exactly what game you're playing with him. *"I'm not gonna do it if you're not gonna do it". *Did we not learn as a kid that doesn't get very far?

I'm not playing with him.

All he wants is more sex, (basically) and i'm not going to force myself to have sex with him. We've done that and it didn't turn out well.

I want him to be cleaner so he doesn't smell like a rotting animal when he tries to get close to me.

I'm sure a lot of people don't want to be close to their partner if he/she doesn't smell too good.

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Lily @ Mar. 27 2005,14:30)]he doesn't brush his teeth that often.

I've told him that i might be more willing to have sex with him if he brushed his teeth more often.

I kinda have this problem altho I can't bring myself to say anything lol. I hate hurting peoples feelings. My b/f is already self conscious about his teeth but one would think if you were you would do your best to take care of them...or at least try
He loves kisssing and I do too but there are sometimes I just can't get into it if he has bad breath.

[thetease13]

Sounds like a game to me.
You won't change some things you probably need to change for him so he's not gonna do it in return.
That just seems childish to me.
Reminds me of "You hang up. No, you hang up." and you sit there for another hour on the phone telling each other to hang up first.

And well if you don't want to have sex with him, then don't. You shouldn't force yourself to do something you don't want to.
But don't get on his case for watching some harmless porn because he needs some kind of release when you won't give it to him.

[lilly2279]

I agree that if you won't have sex with him, that you should not care if he looks at porn. Tease is right. He could be doing something else, like having sex with someone else! At least he is not doing that, yet.

You need to get treated for your depression if it affects you that much. Anything that interferes with your normal life and relationships, needs to be treated.

He needs to brush his teeth and wash himself. I wouldn't bang someone who stunk either. Tell him he needs to do it on a regular basis, regardless. If he can't do that, then he doesn't care that much, then does he? Did he used to have a problem with body odor? When you had sex 5 times a week, was he clean then? Maybe he is just doing it as a rebellion.

Talk things out. Get counseling.

[WallyLlama]

I have a habit of comparing people's posts in different threads and trying to get a sense of the "total person."

In your advice in another thread you say you're 23, over-protected and don't know how to drive or do laundry.

I'd suggest you learn.

Seriously, it confirmed what I suspected from this post. Until you both "grow up" and learn responsbility it is going to be difficult to have a healthy adult relationship.

You listed a number of "problems" in your post ranging from depression to bad teeth to living with your mother. I would suggest that "porn" is not very high on the list of things that need attention. Expecting a healthy sexually charged relationship in the environment you are in is simply unrealistic.

I realize this sounds a bit harsh, but at 23 (and I assume he's about the same age) it sounds like you both have some serious growing up to do.

[Rawbob]

I agree with Wally and TheTease:

You may be 23, but, and i hope you take this as honest advise - you both still have alot of growing up to do!

You live with a parent - so you have no sense of independence. You're falling on a crutch of "depression" and i'm sorry, unless you have been clinically diagnosed as depressed, you're just trying to find an excuse for all the issues you post!

If you don't love and honor yourself, how can you truely love others?

I sugguest you get to a physician as soon as posible to see if infact u are suffering from depression. There are many medication for this, and there are also many non-medical options (therapy, group meetings, etc).

Time to step up and take control - stop making excuses.

As far as sex and hygene...lets be honest.....ALL of us on here have had sex with our partners when we werne't really horney. but guess what....thats part of the deal! You can't tell him you're not horney and then tell him he can't masturbate to porn.

Thats like you going on the Atkins Diet and then not letting him enjoy bread for dinner because YOU can't have it! Sorry sweetie......you're very wrong on this one!

Now, to your credit - you do have a point about hygene!

Showering and hygene are basic courtesy's that we all extend to each other. I have a hard time beliveing his job allows him to come to work smelling of body odor.

Now....before i rant on anymore.....answer this question:

When you WERE making love with him, was he still not showering? If so, y ou're in a pickle..beacuse if you used to have sex when he smelled....now he does have a point that you're playing a game.

Either way....its time for you to take control of your life and get to a doctor. Don't jsut sit back and let stuff happen to you! JUst start small...and take it from there!

[oberon]

Not much left for me to say... except lend support to what's already been said.

Get treatment for the depression... both of you. *

You need:
*To get off his case about the porn... he's not going to leave you for the computer.
*To assume some control of your life. *Learn to do some of the things you've not bothered to before now.
*To start thinking about getting out of your mother's house.

He needs:
*To learn to shower and brush his teeth. *I'm sure you aren't the only one he's offending.
*To be more of an adult and take care of his problems without blaming them on you.
*To (also) get off his butt and help get the two of you out of your mother's house.

It's time to growup and take some responsibility. *

Good Luck and take care.

[Alspals69]

Well, all i can say is that you have some very good advice given to you.

If only it was simple to just take advice. I know its not, and if you decide to do something about this it may be a long journey for you. But if you don't do something, then what will you have in a few years?

The time to start is now. don't put it off to tomorrow, tommorow never comes.

When dealing with people, compromise is often the only way forward.

I must admit, the hygene bit doesn't sound good. He definately needs to sort this.

Good luck to you both.