Communication problem

[Cicero]

Hi there!

My g/f and me recently broke up, though it isn´t final yet. We were together for some time (1 year) and we had some problems.

The major one was pure and "simple" communication. When I said something jokingly she would - even if we both had been in a joking mode before - suddenly accuse me of being "mean" and totally withdraw from me for several hours. E.g. after a very romantic day we were driving by her home with the bus and I said - jokingly - "Look over there, a good friend of mine lives in that house" she broke down. She accused me of being disrespective of our relationship. I just don´t get it. Or we were joking about masculine and feminine hygiene. She rebutted some wild and far fetched statement on my behalf with "But men only change their underwear every other week" to which I replied "Yeah, bums perhaps". And then she started crying because I was being "inhuman to poor people".
The most recent one was at a restaurant. She also complained that I didn´t talk about feelings and people so I talked about one of her female friends. This one has been a single for years and I asked why that was the case since she´s attractive and has a good personality. She asked me suspiciously how I meant that and I said "If I wasn´t in a relationship I would try to meet if I saw her on the street." She left in tears and told me never to speak to her again. Of course I spoke to her again and asked what was wrong and she said I was lusting after her friend and was being a jerk. Since I know I am *not* lusting after her friend I feel misunderstood on my part and being treated wrongly. I find it especially hard to bear that she deems me of such a low character and that she doesn´t believe me when I tell her otherwise.

She claims I am not able to allow a close relationship and that I am subconsciously pushing her away with my "mean attitude". Since I love her and want to be close to her I am at a total loss.
How can I convince her that I didn´t mean it like she understood it? How can I understand her better? Everytime this happens I feel overwhelmed and speechless since it is totally irrational to me.

Regards

Pat

[iamawesum69420]

Well without good communication the relationship is doomed. Communication is key in every relationship. It sounds to me like she's very irrational and needs to be a little more understanding and lighten up a bit. My boyfriend and I joke around all the time about worse things than that. We even joke about accusing the other of cheating but it's all in good fun. Neither of us take it to heart. And we both will end up saying things we don't mean and I'll give him shit for a lot of things that he says but I make it clear that I'm just joking. I tell him over and over again that I don't really mean it and I'm not really pissed about it. There's no point in getting all pissy about certain things that are said that aren't meant. There are lots of things I could take the wrong way and get pissed about but how is that helpful or healthy to anyone.

Here's an example of something he's said that I jokingly give him shit about.....One day we were sitting on his bed and he was sitting on his ass and I was up on my knees beside him so I looked a lot taller than him. He looks at me and says, "Wow! You're huge!" He meant tallness but that's not how it sounded. We still laugh about that one.

[Alspals69]

Cicero,

You have my sympathy. I have been there!!

I always remember an ex of mine suddelny saying "what would you say if i told youi was pregnant". I stopped dead in my tracks with a million thoughts going through my mind and then started to speek. She cut me dead and said "Sorry, too late... you thought too long before replying" and walked away muttering about how crap i was. And no , she wasn't pregnant, just wondered what i would say to it!

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

sounds to me like shes a bit of a drama queen... or well. a tit. LOL dude, i duno i found your jokes funny people who take those the way she did.. probally have some kinda issue or something unresolved within themselves...

[Alspals69]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (LadyOfLucidDepths @ Mar. 19 2005,14:15)]... or well. a tit.

lol

Very Lucid indeed! But your right of course.

[Tessie]

I don't think a relationship that is right should have to work very much at communicating the intent of words. Sounds to me like you girl friend might not get your humor or like it much. She seems to decide what you mean when you say something instead of trying to know what you mean.

She either has to accept you for who you are and love you for it or you two need to move on. What are you going to do change the way you joke? Have to think before you speak on how she will take it? That will get old fairly soon I would think.

[Cicero]

Thank you all for the input. Somebody said she probably has a lot of unresolved problems. That´s right. She comes from a family in which the father was beating the mother and she once told me I had the same way to speak as her father.

Now what to do? I really don´t know. I don´t want to bite on my tongue everytime I speak and I don´t want (sounds childish) to have a relationship break apart because of such a idiocy.

Regards

Pat

[lilly2279]

Well you will have to sit her down and tell her you have no dark intentions when joking with her. Tell her you don't like always feel like the bad guy over silly little things.

I mean it sure would be different if you were "joking" about her weight, clothes, hair, etc. Your subjects are always harmless. As for asking about a friend... I probably would not have said you would ask her out if you were single... My boyfriend told me that about a girl I work with and it irks me every time I see her because I think if we broke up he'd trot over to her. lol. But that is plain old insecurity and not your fault. Might have been preferable to say that one of your friends would probably go out with her, ya know? Don't want her to think you're scoping out your next girlfriend.

It's almost like she is trying to fit you into an abusive roll. She's afraid you're going to be like her dad, but yet everything you do, to her, is mean and abusive. A girl like that would be crying about you to her friends about how cruel you are and turning everyday conversation into a drama to make you like look the bad guy and for her to look like the martyr who puts up with it. It's kinda twisted, but I believe true.

Talk talk talk. If she can't get over it, you'll have to move on for your own mental well being.

[oberon]

Well, I've sort of been there... I had a relationship with someone Northern (*southern drawl* a YANKEE! lol) and sometimes his humor seemed a bit mean-spirited to me. *Sometimes you have to allow for cultural differences.

I've also had to overcome the impulse to view how things are said by someone in relation to the way my father acted. *It's a fine line to know when someone is being rude and when you are projecting something from your past.

Honestly, to me, the latter sounds like what your girlfriend is doing. *Maybe you can help her see where her problem lies. *Until then, while it might be tedious, you might want to make sure you let her know that what you are going to say is a joke... before you say it.

Good luck.

[mmparks]

No communication.. no relationship. Its a drama queen and a thin skinned whiny baby that gets upset over joking.. unless she/he has had trauma as in verbal abuse or something before.. and even then, communication will remedy this to an extent, but do you really want to have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your lilfe?

Fortunately I dont have that problem. My man and I go to a grocery store and he says," How bout you go grab some of those frozen peas nasty whore" and I say ," sure thing limp dick".. or similar stuff like that.. its all about being with your best friend and your lover.. and communicating to a point where you know the intent behind the other's words. Joking is great.. and adds to the relationship. Just find your match, not a thin skinned person if youre a joker. *