fantasy and masturbation

[Jacky234]

hey,
i have a problem thats bugging me alot, and I am not sure what to do about it anymore...my bf does look at porn quite aloton his computer, and we have had lots of talks about it. and either he denies it (by saying it was his roommate's porn, saved under his name) or he says he jerked off to porn like 6 months ago like a couple times, but thats all. And i should be happy that hes not like other guys and that he did it a couple times in the past (6 months ago) we have been dating for almost 2 years now. i know its his, lots proof for it, ie. his roommate is on vacation right now, and theres still new porn. so he knows how much it hurts me, and he knows how i feel about it. it makes me feel soo soo unattractive, and it has been affecting our relationship, because i am really sad and unhappy alot (because of it) and i dont know what to do about it anymore.. I know it is normal to jerk off to other women, but he said that he accepts the way i feel about it, and therefore he says he only masturbates to me (he has lots of sexy pics of me) i obviously know hes lying, and i dunno how to deal with this anymore. I NEVER EVER fantasize about other guys EVER...why would I. i have no desire to wahtsoever.. can anyone help me plz., because I dunno what to do, and just bringing me down....

[iamawesum69420]

Well when he lookds at porn it's just a fantasy. As long as he's not living out these fantasies by going out and having sex with other women I really don't see a problem with it. But I'm just curious why does it bother so much that he looks at porn?

[oberon]

I'm with Iamawesum. *Why is this such a problem for you? *It's a safe outlet that doesn't involve anyone else. *It sounds like an insecurity issue for you. *

It doesn't mean he loves you any less. *It doesn't mean he finds these pictures more attractive than you. *It's just fantasy. * A visual aid. *These are women that he can think anything about that he likes and not have to worry about how they feel about it. *I doubt he (or you) wants you to be in that position. *It's not like he's looking for a meaningful relationship with the porn.

There are several topics on this issue on the board. *Search them out. *They contain some good advice.

Take care.

[Tessie]

I agree with the other posters here. You need to get over it and realize that men are much different then women. They are visual creatures that like to have some sort of stimulation while masturbating.

My husband (of 17 years) has always looked at porn. I know for a fact he doesn't compare me to the other women he looks at. He loves me just as much as ever and finds me just as sexy. Now I tried to get all moral on him once and put a stop to it and all it did was hurt our relationship. I just don't watch it much with him and let him do his thing.

I think you have insecurities that aren't based on facts. You need to believe him when he says he wants to be with you and that porn is just a tool he uses. You also don't want him lying to you about it and trust me he will.

[Rawbob]

I agree with all the other posters too..sounds like you have some insecurity issues.

I also hate to burst your bubble..but he's probalby still masturbating daily!

Let it go....there will be alot bigger issues you'll want to stand firm on besides him looking at porn!

Keep it up and you'll drive him away!

[yetagainsorrows]

Ok, I am going to more or less repeat what the others have said.

There is nothing wrong with the porn, trust me. Sometimes it's better than him going for the real thing. Try it with him, he and (gasp) you might like it together. Tell him some night that you want to look up some porn with him, and see where that leads...

I know it's hard to understand men most of the time. They jerk off for no reason sometimes other than they have it and are bored. Honestly, he isn't always thinking how hot the women are or he actually wants them, he is just using the image, not actually about the sex in it.

The only part that I see as sad, is that he can't admit it. This must make it harder for you. He needs to be honest, this is not a big issue so why should he lie. Then again you are snooping on his computer so his defenses go up and he lies to save face. Bring it out into the open and instead of questioning him like he's in trouble, talk openly about it. If you like porn or not.

I still say give it a try with him, maybe even go on line and buy a video to use together. Honesty and trust on BOTH sides is needed so there is no hurt and insecurities.

[Jacky234]

well but why does he feel the need to fantasize about other women anyways, I don't. When i touch myself, I either fantasize about him or nothing in particular... and he wants to jerk off so much why cant it be to pics of me... i mean thanks for all the replies...so the only I can do is accept it..and thats all...everyone is happy??

[cajdi2004]

1st of all men are just different than woman. how we think about just about everything including sex, porn and fantasizing. looking at porn and masturbating is not reality, it is just a good turn on.

you say he has lots of pics of you, but are they like the stuff he looks at? does he take the pics of you? do you incorporate that into your lovemaking?

does his looking at porn make him hot for you or does it satisfy him so he is not interested in sex?

do you let him jerk off in front of you? While he's looking at porn or pics of you or you?

I agree with yetagain, try it with him, maybe it will be a tunr on for both of you. maybe it will remove the negative stigma from it for both of you.

all else fails, maybe he's just hopelessly addicted to porn and you will never be able to deal with that.

[finewine]

Does it bother you because you are afraid you cannot compete with the beautiful images?
Does it make you fearful that you will not be able to meet his needs?
Are you fearful he will take the fantasy and make the fantasy real without you present?

If any of the above then tell him so and be emotionally vunerable with him. That he is denying it tells me he is not able to be vunerable with you for whatever reasons.

Use the "I feel" statements instead of "you are always" when talking with him.
"Hon, I feel that I won't be able to satisfy your desires if you watch porn." "I feel jealous of those beautiful women." "I don't feel very sexy or desirable when you look at those beautiful women." Start to unbutton your blouse while telling him this in your most sexy sultry voice (pm yetagainsorrows for some great moves to be sexy in front of him... push him down on the bed or couch or chair or wherever you are and undo his belt, unzip ( I just love the sound of zippers) his pants, sit on his lap and say I want to be your porn star....then take it from there into any one of his fantasies seen on porn.... after he wakes up from great sex let him tell you about porn and watch some together and let your imaginations take you where you want to go.

I agree with the others... try it with him and use it to spice up what you do behind the closed door... or in front of the closed door depending on your tastes and mood.

[iamawesum69420]

When my boyfriend I are together we a lot of the times find ourselves enjoying porn together. It's a lot of fun to watch it together. And I know he looks at porn when I'm not there and I do the same. Sometimes I think I do even more than he does. It doesn't bother me knowing that he's looking at pictures of other women. At least he's not out there finding "real" women and actually going through with his fantasies.