G/F jealousy issues

[deroxor]

Well im back, for many of you who noticed me around awhile ago, and I got new issues. Long story short, me and my ex turned out to be way better friends after our relationship. We were hanging out occasionally for about 6 months, a totaly legit friendship, no foolin around, no nothin but spending time together. Well I have a new g/f now and me and my ex's friendship has died down dramaticly, I rareley see her, and I dont get to talk to her that much anymore.

But when I actually do get to see her and hang out with her, my currnent g/f goes into this jealous furry. In the last 5 months, ive only actually hung out with my ex about 4 times and it wasnt just me and her. The last time I hung out with her, I diddnt tell my g/f because there really wasnt any point.

My ex even has a b/f thats shes been with for over a year now!!! but that still doesnt change the fact that shes "all over me" or soo my g/f says. I mean I dont know what to do, I used to be best friends with her way before me and my g/f were even goin out. any advice???

[MizMinx555]

Yeesh, thats a tough one. I think the best course of action would be to really really reassure your current girlfriend (we'll call her the CG) that she is first in your affections and your ex is just a good friend.

I would DEFINATLY advise against not being upfront with the CG about seeing your ex. Imagine the drama if she found out later that you didnt tell her. It would COMPLETELY undermine her trust in you and reinforce her jealousy if she saw that you felt the need to hide it (even if you were just trying to avoid a fight). My advice would be to maybe do a double date with your ex and her boyfreind so that the CG could see that there wasnt a threat. After that, just take things slowly, maybe avoid being alone with your ex for a while (groups of friends, etc.) till your girlfreind gets comfortable with the whole situation. It's touchy, but this is the best I can do in the way of advice.

Hope it helped!!
Minx

[lilly2279]

Minx gave you excellent advice!

A double date is perfect. If she has her own girlfriend and you have yours, then you should all go out to dinner. Put your girlfriend's mind at ease a bit. If she sees how you guys are just buddies and that your ex is into her own boyfriend, maybe she will feel a little more comfortable.

One of my best friends is an ex boyfriend. I made sure my boyfriend knew about him, and the fact that we had a history, but that we were not good at dating each other. I would love for them to be friends with each other, they have some of the same interests.

I knew his girlfriend was jealous about us talking to each other on the phone and stuff. He said she would sit in his lap if I was on the phone with him, so she could hear!! Well, now she knows me and is a lot better now! We get along fine and she knows I am very happy with my boyfriend. It broke a lot of tension! Put yourself in her situation. Being informed is the best option. You have to be open. I would probably be jealous too! I mean you guys have a history and are still close! That can be considered some pretty stiff competition.

And welcome back!!!

[deroxor]

Ya thats great advice, accept for 2 problems with the double date. My g/f HATES my ex. she goes to school with her but she hates her, she told me she doesnt wanna hear anything that has to do with her and one of my other good friend. Second, my Ex's B/f HATES me. Because me and my ex got soo close, he doesnt like that very much. soo i guess im kinda stuck here huh?

[lilly2279]

grrr. She hates her probably cuz you like her so much. You just have to sit her down and tell her that your ex is YOUR friend and that is not goiing to change. Tell her you would NEVER tell her to give up one of her friends just because you didn't like them. She needs to have the same respect for you and your friends.

She also needs to learn to trust you. If she cannot trust you when you are being honest, then she doesn't know you very well. If it hurts you for her not to trust you, tell her. she needs to understand for the relationship to work. Just because your friend is a female, does not mean you cannot just be friends. She may not love it, but she has to accept it. You know that, now you just have to plan your speech to make her understand how it makes you feel.

Jealousy sucks. But I'm a girl and it can be pretty strong for me! And I totally trust my boyfriend. Insecurity is a main influence in jealousy. Let her know how beautiful she is to you.

Good luck!

[WallyLlama]

Jealousy and anger are often controlling emotions. That is, people use those emotions to gain a sense of control over a situation they either don't like or can't cope with.

You are not responsible for your current girl friend's insecurity and you did not - and are not - ultimately responsible for it continuing.

I'd recommend this approach. Inform your current girl friend that you fully intend to maintain a friendship with your ex. You can ask her what might help her deal with her jealousy, but don't accept any unreasonable rules she might lay down.

It is sorta interesting that your ex's bf has a similar problem with you, though... it makes one wonder if there's more going on here than we're being told...

[monie]

I like a lot of what Wally just said, but there are a few things I'd like to add.

There definitely is a trust issue here- your gf doesn't trust you with your ex. Also, perhaps she doesn't trust your ex with you? This is defintely something that you can try and try to change, but ultimately, there is nothing you can do to change your gf's opinions on this. Only she can do that.

There are, however, a few things you could do to make it worse. For instance, you hanging out with your ex and keeping it from your gf. If you keep doing this, she will eventually find out. That'll definitely raise her suspicions and probably get her pretty pissed off, dont you think?

The best thing is honesty. Tell your gf that you're not gonna give up your friends (ie your ex). If she cant handle it, thats something she needs to work on. As long as you are open and honest, it will be up to your gf to make the decision about whether or not to trust you.