Marraige

[carbheat]

Hi there.

I've been going out with my girlfriend about nine months now. I find myself thinking more and more about wether this is the girl I am going to marry. (Especially this last week - my love for her seems more intense then ever.)

In any case, I have a question for those who have been down the marriage road. I wonder how much you talked about marriage before the proposal? I can see some advantages about that, but it seems like bringing up the subject is like a "mini-proposal".

Any comments?

[Phanto]

Hi Carbheat,

I have been married for 3 yrs. anniversary coming up this month on the 26. I can tell you this, its not easy being married.

We knew each other almost a year (via internet haha) and knew each other a total of 2 months face to face. Which is about how long we talked about marriage. That was the easy part lol.

There are lots of things to consider before bringing the subject up.

Whats to happen beyond the honeymoon?

Do you both agree on children? How they are raised, religous upbringing?

(Knew a couple she was native american he was catholic, they want kids but she doesnt want them baptised he does. see the problem)

Finances? Will both of you have to work?

Where are you going to live? (my advice no where NEAR in-laws!!!!!) Ex:If she is close to her family and your job takes you out of state or away from family will she support you?

Who takes care of household chores?

Can either of you cook? Something so simple ( I hate cooking lol)

I mean if the subject feels like a mini proposal so be it, there are some things that need to be understood before someone makes a commitment like marriage. Nothing worse than finding out she cant cook, and doesnt know how to balance a check book after you have said "I DO"

One of the key to marriage i think is COMMUNICATION and FORGIVENESS. no matter how trivial it may seem the longer you keep it inside the bigger the explosion. The biggest test of love is forgiveing someone that has hurt you very deeply.


Just my experince

Hope it goes well for you

Phanto


Lifes short, learn from the past dont dwell on it and move on

[carbheat]

Thanks Phanto.

What you said makes sense. I guess I knew that, but I had the hollywood vision of a surprise proposal in my head. But that could lead to unwanted surprises down the road.

I met my girlfriend online as well. But we started dating pretty quick.

I'd still be interested in other peoples comments. I guess I just like to read this type of stuff.....

[LittleFury]

Pre-marital counseling might be a good idea. I know I'll be dragging my guy to it before we get married.

[Tessie]

You have to talk about everything. I understand the want of romance and visualizing a life of wedded bliss but trust me sooner then later the honeymoon is over and you are stuck together.

I really like the idea of pre-marital counselling or there are many books on the market that discuss this topic. One I know of has a ton of questions that you and your girl need to sort out first.

Like:

Do you want kids? How soon? How many?
What if you feel strongly about saving money and not going into debt and she is a shopalochlic?
What if she is neet freak and your a slob?
Do love and plan to watch sports and is she ok with that?
Do you want some sex everyday and she once a week?
What if she gets a great job but you will have to relocate to a new state, are you going to?

Deeper Questions would have to do with religion, morality, politics and the like.

I have been married for 17 years and it is hard work. We were your typical head over heels in love with each other and while I still love my husband there are things about him that I really wish weren't there. But the main part of a good marriage is compromise and learning to accept your spouse for the person they are. Remember you can never change someone.

[soulmates82]

no set rhyme or reason set of rules to guide individual situations. mate and i well extreme end but waited 23 years. not cuz of any question as to our love and dedication, just well felt married all along and silly piece of paper wasnt necessary. legal wise as to next of kin and all, yes, we now realize that problems might arrise with medical issues and property disbersement...
id sy dont rush things. if love is love and you are both happy as can be together, nothing is going to change that if its two years from now before you get married.
seems 9 months ought to give good enough time to know each other.... well lots of situations havent presented themselves yet to see how well you 2 get thru that. 23 years and we still been faced with new challenges - several have been quite a struggle to get past. one most recently almost ended our relationship for good. we did get thru it and feel much closer to each other and our love grew stronger..... had this happened early on, we both doubt we would still be together.
reality goes unnoticed and 2 folks forget that they will be experiencing things neither have before, buying a house, taking care of ill parents, .... now the both of yu are gonna have to make decisions you both agree on. my way, your way..... forget you will come and go and do and spend and..... you have to consider your mate. easy to say, can be freakin hard to practice.
1st and formost is if your mate never changed one habit, one quirk, one moral, one concept, one habit, one iodo of what they do and say and act and think and dress and go and friends and.... if this person as is, no buts, no ifs, no give in no changing a single thing about themselves, will you be 100% ok with that? are you willing to give up parts of you to make life easier with your mate? will you let her make decisions that you may not agree with but stick behind her and support her decision? can you let mate influence some of the way you do things? lots to ponder... lots to think about and talk about and get to know this person best as you can and if you can accept them and falts and all they are.... talk more, experience more, be apart for a weekend or what and do your thing with frat boys, let her giddy shop and pal with gals weekend in vegas or.... life is not always rosey and your problem or her tough luck.... dont rush the kid thing. get yourselves comfortable being married and having fun before even trying to arrange things around raising a family.

[secretly_shy]

Well, ive seen several different angles to the whole marriage thing...

A friend of mine got married in december, 4 days after her 21st bday and from start to finish (start being first date and finish being the wedding day) her and her man had been together 8months. We think its all been a bit rushed, but hopefully as they are both strong christians some fairytale ending will emerge.

Two other friends of mine have been quite clear that they want their boyfriends to propose.... one couple have been together for 4 years (they rent a house together and even have a dog) and another couple have been together a year and a half, and both away at different universitys. They guys just feel a bit awkward about people talking about proposals, as it means it wont be a suprise.

Me? Ive been with my man for a year and a half, we're taking a relaxed attitude towards everything (desite hits from friends and family about weddings!) and ive figured that if we're still together for the next feb 29th (2008) then i better propose (if he hasnt done so by then!)

There is absolutly no rush- if the marriage is ment to be then it doesnt matter whether u marry now or in 10years time! x

[Phanto]

yeah i agree with secret and shy. Lot of good info lots to talk about and lots to think about. Let us know how it goes

Phanto

[lilly2279]

Everyone is different. *Some people meet and marry in a matter of days or months and stay together forever. *

Some date and date and date and date, until everyone thinks they will never get married. *Then they do and split up a year later. *

You never know! *But marriage IS hard. *It's a lot of give and take. *You both have to be willing to be givers of patience and love and takers of responsibility and taking care of each other. *(if that makes any grammatical sense at all!)

As I always say "Love is blind... Marriage is the eye opener"

If you love each other and both care deeply and want it to work, it will. *Go with your heart, but let the brain make decisions too. *

Good luck.

[cajdi2004]

I can definately agree with everybody that marraige is hard work!!It is also true that everybody and every relationship is different.

My wife and I will be married for 14 years this may, but have known each other for 25 years. We met in college, split up and got back together years later.

After all this time, we are still learning things about each other. The relationship continues to change all the time. I think that is the most important thing to remember as time goes by. You will never be the same person tomorrow as you are today. Everything affects the relationship: jobs, family, kids, money............when you fail to see that people and relationships change and grow, you get into trouble.......as things change, you need to remember that you are a team and have to work together on your needs, wants, goals and dreams.

Another important thing that i have not figured out yet is why do people treat their family differently than they treat their friends or family? For some reason, there is some expectation or standard that you have of you family or mate that you don't hold the rest of the world up to. That usually makes for difficult situations and bad feelings.